Reclaim Your Life

The Burning of Vancouver

2011-06-16T22:38:00.000-07:00

Vancouver Canucks lost the final game of the Stanley Cup finals. What happens? Shit we lost! Lets burn the city down! This is an interesting line of reasoning. How did they think? Did they think? Is this something that is general in contemporary Western society? We see these outbreaks of civil violence from time to time. What is interesting is the reasons behind; what triggered these events.

Gustave Le Bon (1841-1931) wrote a book in the end of the 19th century; The Crowd: A Study of the Popular Mind (1896), he called it. Le Bon claimed that a mass is no smarter than the most stupid individual within it. Consequently an army is no better than the worst soldier within in it.

Here Le Bon was supported by Genghis Khan, who answered a concerned and worried Mongolian general, looking at the Great Wall of China;

"Don't worry, a wall is no better than the worst soldier guarding it!" Of course Genghis Khan was wright and managed to penetrate the Wall and conquer Northern China.

One Canadian hockeyplayer once said:

"The game of hockey has often been compared with war, but it is more serious than that!"

Looking at the events in Vancouver on 16 June 2011, it seems that he got a point there, though I doubt that people being defeated by an opposing army, went on burning down their own city. I have always believed that was the privilege of the winning side! Be sure that this behaviour would even have surprised Genghis Khan!

Reinfeldt - the Statesman

2011-06-15T13:20:00.000-07:00

In Sweden we have a Prime Minister that has proven to be an alert and awake statesman. Fredrik Reinfeldt is highly approved of among the Swedish citizens for his listening leadership. Sometimes he goes out among the ordinary people and sense their hardships in their everyday life.

The life of the born statesman is not easy. He and his family has been evacuated from their humble living quarters in the Sager's Palace, and forced to move to another appartment. As many Swedes the Prime Minister is feeling the pressure of paying a rent that eats a large part of his salary. Thus, he is ably to feel the same emotions as Swedish nurses and teachers. The part left when the rent is paid is just a small fraction of his pay as a Prime Minister. I would like to thank him for listening to the people, sharing their burdens, feeling with them and being awake and handling our affairs. How can anybody match this?

Oh, I almost forgot a tiny and not very important detail, in fact, a mere footnote; Reinfeldt does not pay his own rent, that is the task of the Swedish taxpayers. But he feels with the Swedes, be sure about that...

Fredagskatastrofen

2011-06-10T10:01:00.000-07:00

Först måste jag erkänna; jag är från Örebro. Där tar vi aldrig något för givet. Tvärtom vi målar alltid upp ett värsta scenario och blir glatt överraskade när det inte blir så. Det lärde vi oss vid sådana historiska tillfällen som då IFK Göteborg, de raringar, hälsade på 1970 för avslutning av fotbollsallsvenskan. Till saken hör att 1969 vann IFK fotbollsallsvenskan. Nu var Örebro SK ofina nog att besegra IFK och sparka ner dem till division 2. Götebrogsupportrarna rev staden på väg hem.

Nästa traumatiska händelse var när stadens stolthet ÖIK skulle ta steget upp i Elitserien i hockey. Det fanns bara ett litet aber i vägen. Nåt konstigt gäng ingen hade hört talas om tidigare; Väsby hette de visst. Naturligtvis, då örebroarna för en gångs skull krupit ur sitt skal och anade ljusare tider, då inträffade den totala och optimala katastrofen; svänggänget från Väsby lyckades vinna matchen med 1-2.

Hela den pessimistiska staden sveptes in liksom i en våt filt av självförbråelse. Spelarna flyttade till andra klubbar och klubben lades ned på grund av ekonomiska oegentligheter.
Så som örebroare i förskingringen finns den där taggen kvar i hjärtat; förhäv dig inte, utan var beredd på det värsta... så blir du inte besviken. Ibland är det ändå så att man sänker garden och vips så händer det; vardagskatastrofen...
Denna fredag satte jag glad i hågen igång att tillreda ett spännande recept: Färgglad falurisotto hette den kulinariska läckerheten. Optimistiskt läste jag in vad som behövdes och inhandlade attrialjerna.

Den stressade nutidsmänniskan är ju dessutom van att dela in tillvaron i delheter. När dess delheter sedan delats finns det inga kopplingar mellan dem. Varorna köptes in och på fredagseftermiddagen skulle det hela tillredas. Mums!

Med stigande förvåning börjar jag göra iordning ingredienserna. Märkligt med 600 gram benfri lax i en falukorvsrisotto... men okej falukorven kommer väl på slutet?

Grovsalt och gurka verkar ju mer normalt. - Hmmm, en matsked dijonsenap... ja det är ju klart... senap och korv det går ju ihop... 4 matskedar matolja, då steker ju inte korven fast... 1 matsked rödvinsvinäger... ja är det inte det så är det ju vitvinsvinäger, det är det ju i allt nu för tiden. 1 matsked flytande honung och en dl hackad dill, salt och svartpeppar... hmmm lite trist kryddning tror jag... plus 2 dl crème fraaiche och 2 matskedar vatten... jojo men var är falukorven... Vafalls, ingen falukorv... hur ska det då bli en falukorvsrisotto?
Nåväl det framgår väl av "Så här gör du" delen.
Steg 1: Koka upp en gryta med vatten och tillsätt ris, lök och buljongtärningen.
Steg 2: Låt koka i cirka 20 minuter under lock på svag värme.
Steg 3: Skär falukorven (se där, där var den), paprikan och rödlöken i tärningar. Lägg falukorven och grönsakerna i grytan och hetta upp. Servera med lite sallad till.
Här någonstans fullbordades sammanbrottet. Ingredienserna passade helt enkelt inte ihop. Inköpslistan stämde inte med receptet. Och ett gott råd: laxrisotto tillagad på detta sätt är inte gott... middagssällskapet såg förvånade och skeptisk ut... i den ordningen...

Vardagens små katastrofer

2011-06-08T01:49:00.000-07:00

Observera att björktrasten på bilden inte nödvändigtvis har något att göra med texten nedan.

På väg till jobbet idag höll jag på att bli påflugen av en björktrast. Det här var inte den första incidenten med denna typ av fågel. I förra veckan cyklade jag genom ett grönområde och blev påflugen avg en arg trast. Den flög rakt in i framhjulet på cykeln. Argt kraxande flög den i en looprörelse och kom tillbaka för att flyga in i framhjulet igen. Den här gången rök en hel del fjädrar. Trasten flög dock argt kraxande vidare.

Jag vandrade vidare och då jag passerade en mindre sjö fick jag syn på två skäggdoppingar. Skäggdopping numero uno hade en smaskig groda i näbben och förevisade den för skäggdopping numero due. Allt för att reta skäggdopping numero due tycktes det. Slutligen svalde skäggdopping numero uno grodan hel och hållen.

För ett par månader sedan observerade jag en sörjande gräsandshanne på banvallen, också på väg till jobbet, framför honom på banvallen låg hans väldigt döde kompis, som verkade ha blivit påkörd av tåget. Jag knäppte en bild, men tyvärr var det med mobilkameran så det går knappt att se vad den föreställer.

Vad tyder då allt detta på? Oreda i fågelvärlden? Ett omen om världens nära förestående undergång? Trädgårdstomteguiden föreslår att vi ska spå i kaffesump för att utröna svaret. Han påstår att det är så ekonomerna gör när de försöker förutsäga vad som ska hända på aktiemarknaden.

Epilog: ... senare samma dag kamikazeflög en kaja in i mitt kontorsfönster... är de ute efter mig?

Ödets ironier

2011-05-24T11:10:00.000-07:00

Den reinkarnerade veganen återföddes till sin fasa i Köttkulla!

2011-05-12T04:29:00.001-07:00

Today Thursday was the ceremonial ending of this part of our Mongolian education project in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia. Ten lectures at the Mongolian University for Science and Technology (MUST) and one held at the Tsesee Goun Management College was finally done. It felt rather good actually. My method in education can best be described as when Wallace and Gromit build the railroad at the same time as they are running the train. The ceremonial end was a lunch meeting downtown UB with dean G. Batkhurel and my assistant here Anarzul Dorligsuren. The Mrs. and I and our Mongolian friends met at the Mongolian BBQ downtown UB for lunch.
The establishment itself seems to have changed owner since the last time (think it was in 2004 or 2005) when it was owned by a Mongolian and an American. Now it seems to have been overtaken by a company called Nomads (surprise?). Since the last time the American influence on the establishment has seemingly diminished. What are the main impressions of Mongolia 2011? After all there has been some 20 years since the transfer from totalitarian rule to democracy?
On Sukhbaatar square demonstrating herders from the rural areas protest against the criminal coalition government of Mongolia (to their understanding). Mongolians I’ve been talking to claim that all politicians are liars and frauds.
My personal opinion is that this is a direct effect of how international organizations as the UNDP, the ADB and the IMF treat developing countries as Mongolia. They put pressure on Mongolian politicians by talking about where the limitations of economic policies lie. Thereby the Mongolian politicians loose the national economic sovereignty and cannot fulfill any promises given in democratic elections that has economic implications. Thereby the political process is deprived of its meaning. It becomes as described in Seinfeld’s definition of his and George’s TV-series within the Seinfled TV-series and its theme and layout: “It’s about nothing!”
If you remove the economic content of politics, politics turns into a meaningless ceremonial. It’s my opinion that neoliberal policies, designed to deprive politics of economic content actually ruins democracy of its meaningful content. If we want to continue to have a democratic society neoliberal aspirations to de-politize different areas of society must be combated. When democracy has been changed into meaningless ceremonial it is simply too late.

Mongolian politics and new tidings

2011-05-12T04:29:00.000-07:00

Mongolia's new political landscape?

2011-05-11T01:56:00.000-07:00

My input into the Mongolian education sector was terminated for this time today. Yesterday I finalized a course called "Public Administration and Business in the European Union" at the Mongolian University for Science and Technology (MUST), where I've been given a series of ten lectures. The students seemed happy enough. Hopefully this state of things will continue over the examinations. Today I held a single lecture at the Tsesee Goun Management College on the topic "Mongolian Democracy 1991-2010". It was en exposé over my own election obeservations since 2004 and my careful readings of reports and overviews of earlier elections. I had the idea that the election in 2009 was the last one, but now political development in Mongolia has taken a unppredict turn as longterm dominant political actor Mongolian People's Revolutionary Party (MPRP) has split into two. First, the main part taken back the old name Mongolian People's Party (MPP) and a fraction has broken out under the leadership of former Prime Minister N. Enkhbayar and under the old name MPRP. This has caused a dispute taken to court where the MPP claim the right to the MPRP name.
Politically this split decreases the possibility to predict the outcome of the upcoming election in 2012. This circumstance is very exciting for a political scientist like me. First, the political landscape has thereby changed. Second, nobody can tell for sure which election system will finally be used? Probably there are more question, but they have to wait for a more thorough analysis when time and space allows it.

Mongolian Politics

2011-05-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

The MPP Flag on top of the restored MPRP building in Ulaanbaatar.

The MPP Symbol

A week ago I landed in the Mongolian Republic en route from Beijing. I've not been here for two years, so I was surprised to hear that the Mongolian People's Revolutionary Party (MPRP) had changed their name into Mongolian People's Party (MPP). Possibly changing their name back to what it was before 1921, or just erasing their communist past. It cannot have been an easy task to change a name in use for 90 years. Its like a trademark for political stability in Mongolia.

The revolutionary part has not been entirely washed away, as their new flag is identical to the French tricolour, with a roselike flower in the middle. However, this change did not come about without protests, as the former Prime Minister and President N. Enkhbayar decided to start his own party, retaking the familiar name of MPRP. The result was that the renamed MPP decided to take the case to court and sue Enkhbayar and his associates. That's where things stands at the present.

Former PM and President N. Enkhbayar

Former President N. Bagabandi

The idea is not new, though, as the former President N. Bagabandi also presented ideas that got political commentators to speculate if he would start his own party after the termination of his presidency. It turned out that nothing came out of this. However, the result seem to be that approximately 20 years after the downfall of communism, the former Communist Party has finally split into two parts.

For the upcoming election in 2012 this means that the result becomes rather unpredictable. MPRP stood for stability in Mongolian politics, as it possessed a superior organizational build-up compared to their opponents in the opposition.

Gradually this changed as the Mongolian National Democratic Party (MNDP) became their coalition party after the election in 2008. After this cooperation (starting in the mandate period before 2008) the MNDP became more and more integrated into the power institutions that preserved MPRP's grip on power. As grip over the Central Election Committee (CEC) decreased after the election in 2006, as the chairman came from the MNDP, the total control of the MPRP started to erode.

However, much can still happen, as we will have to wait for the court decision on the legality of the name of Enkhbayar's party. How will the MNDP respond to this? Where will the legitimacy of the MPRP go? To the MPP or Enkhbayar's party? What kind of policies will evolve out of this?

Oporto in Portugal

2011-04-09T11:02:00.000-07:00

Three days ago we had a minor road accident in the tiny town of Felgueiras, in the inland of Portugal. Our left front wheel was damaged and we had a minor brake failure. We managed to reach our hotel in Entres-os-Rios and to travel around the countryside in the Douro Valley. We arrived yesterday in Oporto with our wrecked car. The car-rental-company proudly presented their insurance policy (or actually as it turned out, their insurance company's policy). Oh no, in the policy it was to our astonishment written that the insurance policy did not cover a) windshield or glass damage; b) damage on tires. I told the two guys that the damage done to our car was a little beyond a flat tire. Then they presented another unexpected exception: The insurance policy did not cover damages inflicted on the car from below... Suddenly I remembered an old scetch from "Marty Feldman Show". Feldman is trying to understand the insurance policy in order to find out what kind of damages the insurance do cover. He and the insurance agent go over case after case, but there is always something that makes the insurance company able to claim that they cannot pay for just that particular type of damage. In the end Feldman gets fed up and asks: "- What exactly do the insurance cover?" The insurance agent looks at him seemingly surprised and answers: "- This insurance policy covers only collission between the insurance taker's vehicle and a rhinosaurous on a one-way bridge!" I think that finally has reality been catching up with Feldman's satire...

The Sun is Shining Bright

2011-04-04T03:04:00.000-07:00

Finally me and m wife have reached Esposende, Portugal. Safely we made our way out of the horrible climate of Sweden. Travelling from arround zero to five degrees to fantastic 24 degrees and sunshine. Yesterday we took our little Hyundai on a daytrip to Galicia, Spain. We had a very expensive dinner at the Roman Restaurante in Pontevedra. My wife ate a tournedo and drank some Rioja wine, while I took a Galician hot soup and scallops with rice. We had plans on going to Santiago de Compostela, but we ran out of time and decided to turn arround in Ponteverde instead, and return to Portugal. On the way north we had a lovely lunch in Viala Praia de Acostar, in the sunshine, viewing out of the tiny little bay. We had tapas, water and some espessos. Strolling along the beach we saw some sandpipers och a lot of local fishermen and women fishing from the shore. Back in Esposende we spent the evening in a local pizzeria, eating pizzas and drinking the local beer, Superbock. Actually they had a locally brewed stout. Not the best ever, but quite okay. On the TV Benfica, Lisbon played Porto FC. By the sound later in the evening, cars blowing their horns and people yelling and cheering in the street, we concluded that Porto won the game. Assuming that the locals were Porto fans. Which is not for certain, as everyone familiar with football in Southern Europe knows. You might actually be a fan of a club very far away. My friend Rafaele, for instance, lives in Bari, in Southern Italy, but is a fan of Juventus, from Torino in the north. The footballers were not the only disturbance here though, as for some strange reason the local lighthouse blows out a strange sound every minute. I asked the portier why and he said that it was a warning to the fishermen on their boats trying to go out during lowering tide. I asked him if a warning sound being on frequently and almost all the time lost is warning value...

Trädgårdstomteguidens vinskola

2011-02-21T11:01:00.000-08:00

Den första och kanske viktigaste vinkunskapen är hur man skiljer mellan röda och vita viner. Här finns en del osvikliga knep att ta till: Ett sätt är hälla en slatt av vinet, som du funderar på vad det är för sort, på en vit bordsduk. Då det testade vinet lämnar en lila fläck efter sig, så är det nästan helt säkert fråga om ett rödvin. Ett annat sätt för riktiga vinkännare är att på bara på smaken avgöra om vinet är vitt eller rött. Då finns en del karakteristika att ta fasta på: vita vinerna smakar i regel ättika, medan de röda mer smakar som stämpelfärg. Det senare försöket utförs så att man genom att suga på en vanlig kontorsstämpel och sedan jämför smaken med ett vin, i syfte att konstatera om detta är rött eller inte. För att blanda bort korten så har vissa vintillverkare emellertid sett till att blanda in vissa smaker som eliminerar stämpelfärgssmaken och ättikssmaken. Detta avspeglas då i priset som då blir ohemult högt. Undvik därför onödigt dyra viner.

Till fiskrätter, såsom fiskbullar, fiskpinnar och matjessill föredrar de flesta vitt vin, medan man till kötträtter såsom falukorv och pyttipanna bör ta ett rött vin. Besvärligt blir det bara om man tar fiskbullar med hummersmak, då ett rosévin kan vara att föredra. Kycklingpyttan är också rätt knivig, eftersom inget kan sägas vara fel i detta fall (se avsnittet om rosévin ovan). De riktiga vinkännarna köper då detta i specialvin specialistaffären, medan den mer ekonomiske får tillgång till denna specialité genom att blanda vitt vin med en slatt rött. Ett slags grogg med andra ord. En annan specialité är det berömda portvinet, som är ett vin som man serverar i porten. Har man inte någon port, kan man bjuda på det i trappuppgången eller i hissen. Gärna i en brun papperspåse för att få till den där rätta stämningen.

I de fall då man väljer att servera väldigt torra viner bör man se till att det inte är tvärdrag eller att någon av gästerna råkar nysa, ty i sådana fall dammar vinet lätt ner i lägenheten. Då man serverar ett torrt vin är det därför lämpligt att ha en dammsugare i beredskap eller ha kontakt med ett lämpligt företag som levererar hushållsnära tjänster. Se upp för ovälkomna extra kostnader vid vinkonsumtion (kommande artikel om faran med att dricka onödigt dyr, svår att uttala och otäck alkohol).

Då man själv ibland tvingas bära hem sina vinflaskor från Systembolaget, gör man klokt i att köpa ett lättvin, så att det inte blir för tungt att bära. Lättviner har också den fördelen att det känns lättare i huvudet dagen efter än då man valt ett väldigt tungt vin. Ett varningens finger bör höjas för de tunga vinerna. Inte nog med att de tynger ögonlocken framåt natten, de har också följdverkningar dagen efter, som sendrag, hjärnskakning och sprängande huvudvärk.

I de fall då man vill bjuda viltkött bör man välja något slags vildvin, medan man till grillat svett och annat vidbränt kött serverar riktigt brännvin. Flamberad renstek sköljer man givetvis ner med renat, men det hörs ju på namnet. Kom ihåg att vinkännedom är två procent smaklökar och 98 procent bondförnuft. Det hörs ofta på namnet vad förpackningen innehåller.

Ord, fraser och uttryck som du ska undvika att säga när du druckit vin:
• Oöverträffat
• Innovativt
• Preliminärt
• Kvastskaft
• Gliringar
• Ogenbratt (umgås inte med folk som heter så)

Ord, fraser och uttryck som är väldigt svåra att säga när du druckit för mycket vin:

• Västkustskt
• Konstitutionerad
• Substantiera
• Tillvägagångssätt
• Tvagningsförbud
• Frustrerande

Ord, fraser och uttryck som är i stort sett omöjliga att säga när du druckit alldeles för mycket vin:

• Tack, men jag vill inte ha sex.
• Nej, ingen mer sprit för min del.
• Ledsen, du är inte riktigt min typ.
• Jag tror inte gäddbullar passar till det här vinet.
• Je t’aime… (undvik därför Frankrike och södra Belgien)
• Ich liebe dich (undvik därför Tyskland, Österrike och England; i det senare fallet kan det bli fatalt om det sista ”h:et” uttals som ett ”k”).

Till sist: vin kommer ofta i konstiga förpackningar. Lättast är den så kallade vinboxen, eftersom den är jord av papper och plast och innehåller mycket vin. Man behöver då inte hålla reda på allt det där krångliga med lätta och tunga viner. En annan vanlig förpackning är vinflaskan. Den finns i många olika utföranden, varav en del är väldigt ömtåliga, men lätta, medan andra är tåliga och tunga. Vilken man väljer är en avvägningsfråga rörande hur fumlig och stark man är. En tredje är tetraförpackningen, vilken är lätt att stuva in många av i kylskåpet. En fjärde är plastflaskan, som man dock inte ska använda sådana finesser som vakuumpump på. Den ekonomiske har det självklara valet klart:: vintunnan, som är tidlös, stilren och innehållsrik. Mycket nöje!

Nature Strikes Back?

2011-02-13T04:22:00.000-08:00

Nature is a funny thing as long it is postioned inside your TV-set. In reality it can be mean, evil and nasty! In the 16th Century a Swedish noble man named Carl von Linné went out into nature and started the systematic work of mapping it and to name all plants and living beings he could find there. However, Linné had a problem; he had to explain nature so that ordinary people understood what he was talking about. In order to that he took traits from human life, culture and habits and transplanted them into flowers and animals. Others followed him and we could learn from books dealing with nature that birds and animals lived in marriage like forms. Nature was made a mirror picture of human life - that was human life as it was in northern Europe in the 16th and 17th centuries.
This continued into our time when people start to address this as what is being "natural". Every thinking human must be sceptic about such a discourse. It has nothing to do with reality out there in nature. A lion or a wolf does not kill another animal because it is evil and a killer, it kills because thats what lions and wolves do in order to survive. In philosophy this kind of explanation is called a tautology... an explanation in which the answer contains parts or the whole question. Or a circular definition.
So why is the Garden Gnome Guide caught in the mouth of an old female elephant? Maybe he said something stupid that annoyed the elephant. Or he might have interfered in some way with some foodstuff the elephant was interested in. Or he might have done something many, many years ago which he had forgotten, but obviously not the elephant. Mythology tells us that elephants have very good memory capacity.
The following story will illustrate this. A little boy went with his father to see when a circus came to their small town. It was a big event in the small town and people stood along the main street as the animals and the people of the circus paraded before them. Among the animals was a group of elephants and among them a very young male elephant and this was the young elephant's first parade ever and he was probably as excited as the little boy. As he passed the little boy, the boy took out a piece of chocolate and showed it to the little elephant. The little elephant was overjoyed and tried to catch the piece with his trunk, but the boy was quicker and took it out of reach and laughed at the little elephant...
Many years later the same circus returned to the very same town and the boy was now a grown man with a son of his own. He remembered his youth and the excitement he had felt when the circus came to town and he took his son to give him a similar experience. As the elephants passed, first among them marched a giant of an elephant and as he laid eyes on the father he immediately gave the man a strike with his trunk. So you see, this was the same elephant, still remembering the chocolate bar he once was promised but never got...
What can we learn from this? Elephants never forget? Of course not! This is a fable and the purpose of a fable is to give animals human traits and interprete the story to give advice to humans...
What did the Garden Gnome Guide learn? Beware of old nasty elephants!

Life on the Wild Side

2011-02-12T05:52:00.000-08:00

Living a dull and un-exciting life? Be cool! There's a cure! Join our tour around the world with the Garden Gnome Guide and the Combat Gnome. Unfortunately today the Combat Gnome got interested in the Safari Guide's guns and rifles and during that study our dearest friend, the Garden Gnome Guide, this timid and frriendly creature, got busted by a lioness. Real bad! As we can see a gnome's pride, the hat got severly damaged. Of course, our friend doesn't go on a safari naked, but has brought with his huge collection of identical gnome hats.
There has been a discussion within the gnome community to have an exhibition showing the world the enourmous variety among gnome hats. A dream would be to show the famous talking gnome hat, the listening gnome hat and the seeing gnome hat. But first you have to find them and that is a task tried by many and so far without success.
How the tragedy above ended? Well the Combat Gnome got hold of a huge gun and scared the lioness off... pity there was probably some dissapointed cubs somewhere behind her...

Stilpoäng

2011-02-11T16:41:00.000-08:00

I dagens samhälle är det oerhört viktigt att det man gör ser rätt ut. Överallt ska vi bedömas och mätas för att se om vi är nyttiga individer i samhällsapparaten. Det har en figur som kallar sig utbildningsminister bestämt. Alla ska mätas. Så vi måste nog ändra på vår allmänna livsinställning det går inte längre att föra samma förslappade stil. Vi får skärpa oss. Det blir fler och fler övervakningskameror och det innebär att vi blir inspelade på fler och fler ställen och i fler och fler situationer. Vi måste alltså inse att vi egentligen alltid är presumtiva skådespelare i en möjlig film. När som helst kan vi hamna på till exempel Youtube till allmän beskådan. Det tål att tänka på! Någon kanske sitter där och granskar våra insatser och poängbedömer dem och sedan en dag blir vi rannsakade och finner att vår poängskörd helt enkelt är för dålig... Vad händer då?

Exhausted at work?

2011-02-09T08:52:00.000-08:00

Do you feel exhausted at work, or perhaps you think you have a dull and monotonous work and long for something more exciting? We sent out our team, the Garden Gnome Guide and the Combat Gnome to explore possibilities. Looks exciting doesn't it?

Russian New Year 2011

2011-02-06T03:52:00.000-08:00

Hi there all dwarves, gnomes and folks. This is a late report on Russian New Year Celebration 2011. The Combat Gnome was sent to Moscow because we thought he was better equipped to deal with the KGB culture, or as it is renamed today, FSB culture, than the more peaceloving Garden Gnome. Unfortunately, new year is celebrated on 1 January in Russia also, which meant no extra celebration for the Combat Gnome.

Standing before the Kremlin, looking at the fireworks a strange character approached. There was something familiar with him. Something looked as someone the Combat Gnome had seen before. It was a Gnome allright and the Gnome asked for matches to light his lamp. Unfortunately the Combat Gnome left matches and Molotov cocktails at home in order not to annoy the Russian authorities.

- I have to light my lamp, you know, said the familiar looking Gnome, you know I reinvented this holiday in 1947 in Russia, so actually they are celebrating me and my enlightened regime.

The Combat Gnome had no idea of what he was talking about and saw him leave the celebration annoyed of not having a shining lamp in his hand. After being intoxicated by a number of Russian vodka shots the Combat Gnome lost track of his thoughts, space and time. The last thought he had was that despite the Russians makes their own champaigne, they still drink a lot of vodka during party hours... lots of them...

The day after he sent an sms to Gnomeline studio: "I think I met Alexandr Lukasjenko yesterday..."

New Year Celebration 2011

2011-02-05T00:13:00.000-08:00

Dear dwarves, gnomes and folks, this is the Garden Gnome Guide reporting indirectly from the celebration of the Chinese New Year 2011, on the third of February 2011. There is some kind of peculiar delay here. After our new year celebration at Gnomeline I felt I needed more of that, so I went on a world tour looking for celebrations of new year. Luckily different people celebrate new year att different times of the year, which means there's a lot of celebrations going on out here.

Behind me is the celebration of the year of the rabbit going on. I was told that someone that someone born in the year of the golden rabbit is nice, though a bit introverted, well suited to become a teacher. I myself am a goat, which means that I have a character based on intelligence, creativity, dependability and calmness. This means in principle that you may trust my reports...

Away from the Daily Turmoil

2011-01-03T09:46:00.000-08:00

The Garden Gnome Guide felt fed up with everything and took his best friend Piggy with him and left fo the Arctic, which can be wonderful this time of the year. Spectacular sceneries. wildlife in abundance! What can beat that?
Away from everyday politics as when a Swedish politician argued that fat people should be extra taxed for their unsound lifestyle. Furthermore he thought people that falsely got money out of the welfare system should be paraded in public, dressed in hyena-suites. The Garden Gnome Guide felt that society had hit an all-time low and left.
All this and all the exitement during the Anti-Santa Terror Campaign made him long for the stillness of the Arctic. As he was padling his kayak through the stillness he became aware of something disturbing the quite Arctic scenery. A disturbance of an unwanted sort...

Oh yes, it was that horrible scumbag, Professor Anthrax, having a disagreement with an angry Polarbear. The Garden Gnome Guide wisely choose to ignore this incident and leave the result to nature...

Capture of Terrorist Leader

2011-01-02T11:21:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! Today I, the Garden Gnome Guide, can proudly present to you our greatest achievement up to now. We've captured the legendary terrorist leader, known as Santa X. He is suspected to be behind the bombing of the Gnomeline Studio and the the destruction of the Detention Centre at Gnomantanamo Bay. What is your opinion Professor Svinhufvud?
- It is the consequence of ordinary and continuous detective work that finally paid off and led to its' capture. This is a really mean and nasty character. They don't get much worse than this specimen! Lets see if we can communicate with it! Hey you useless Santa imitation, what can you say in defence of yourself?
- This is an outrage! I tried to deliver X-mas presents to my family and suddenly a lot of thugs attacked and abused me! I protest against this kind of treatment!
- You hear! It has no insights into its' problems! Its actually in a state of total denial! They all are like this! Their stories are stereotypes, which no one can believe. All tell the same tale! Still they are convinced of their innocence. They act as if they were high on some unknown drug that totally distort their perceptions. They cannot be prosecuted... we have to hold them in detention until we find a cure! Its sad really!
- That's all dwarves, gnomes and folks! We'll be back if there is any sensational developments!

Sexual Abuse or Free Love

2011-01-01T07:35:00.000-08:00

- Tonight I, the Bluegnome is downtown Dwarvesville to try and interview Gnomas Foxy and Doxy, and to try and find out what really happened between them and mr.Xhantar. Is it possible for me to get an interview with you two ladies?
- It is possible, but if we don't like the questions or issues brought up we will terminate the interview on the spot.
- Okay, I understand that! Mr. Xhantar says that what you're saying and accusing him of is all a pack of lies. He claims that you had sexual intercourse with him just because he is famous and afterwards you accussed him just to get some extra cash from the media selling your story. How do you respond to that?
- He is lying of course! he is the kind of man who thinks that the world is a private candy-box just for him and that he can do anything he wishes to. In that respect he is omnipotent! Like a god!
- Oh, but he claims that you presented quite another story until you got associated with your lawyer mr. Castlestream?
- Of course mr. Castlestream is our legal advisor and we put full trust in him and his professional skills. He has also told us what to say and when to say it! In accordance with his advice, this interview is now finnished!
- That's seems to be all for now dwarves, gnomes and folks!

- Luckily we got hold of a taping of that interview and we have the material to compare it with another interview undertaken by the always reliable Garden Gnome Guide, at the recording studio of Foxy and Doxy.
- What is your opinion of mr. Xhantar, Professors Duodenum and Anthrax?
- They are scumbags and are capable of anything to get away with the illegal activities they are involved in. When we charged mr. Xhantar, they immediately started a smearing campaign against us and our good reputation. Business looks really bad now for us, because people seems reluctant to get involved with us. The old saying, where there is smoke there is also a fire, is becoming true! And they are guilty as hell, all three of them!
- I thank you for your cooperation and I have the pleasure to invite you to work at Gnomeline with the entertainment department. It is a small compensation, but it is something to fend off the inconveniences created by Xhantar, Duodenum and Anthrax.
- Gee, thanks a lot!
- So you, dear viewers, see that it all boils down to who you believe in: either the two Gnomas Foxy and Doxy and their legal advisor mr. Castlestream or the academic side, consisting of Professors Duodenum and Anthrax and their associate mr. Xhantar.

Terror Attack against Terrorists?

2010-12-31T05:17:00.000-08:00

- We great our viewers wellcome and and we are reporting directly from Gnomantanamo Bay, where it seems as a massive attack has been undertaken. The whole prison camp seems blown to pieces! What is your opinion Professor Svinhufvud?
- This is a tricky one! There are two possibilities as I see it! First, all the fake Santas made a prison break out and staged the explosion as a cover up, in order to avoid being captured again. It is difficult though to imagine approximately 1400 persons in orange overalls running away undetected. Of course you could easily disguise as workmen, but still you're too many...
- It seems difficult, but what about the other possibility?
- That's another scenario! It is when the terrorists are the victims of terror themselves! Somebody did not like these fake Santas and their deceptive activities and decided to blow them to pieces...
- Is there any evidence pointing in this direction?
- No we have not found the epicentre of the explosion yet. It's tricky I tell you! Furthermore, we have not found any bodies, which point at the first possibility as the most probable.
- We thank Professor Svinhufvud for his insightsful, intelligent and knowledgeable comments. That's all from the bombing site for now!

Santa Terror Attack against Gnomeline Studio

2010-12-30T07:33:00.000-08:00

-This is the Bluegnome reporting directly from outside the building where the Gnomeline Studio is located. It seems like there has been a terrorist attack directed against the Gnomeline Studio. A wellknown fake Santa-Terrorist seems to been involved, as he was seen leaving the crime site.

Inside the building our sources claim there is chaos and when the attack came, it seems like Professor Svinhufvud was preparing for one of his comments on the fake Santa Terror. Some who have been rescued from the building claim that it was a bomb that went off. Others say it was a fire that went out of control as Professor Svinhufvud was exposing the practice of specific arsonist tricks, when he lost control of the fire. We have a citizen here. What is your opinion?
- Hello my name is Jeffrey! I want all these gnomes, dwarves and crazy academics to go away! They destroyed our X-mas and now they are attacking New Year as well. They talk about terror and how to fight it... I now how to stop it! Round'em up end send them out on the Ocean and let the Air Force train target bombing on'em!
- So that's how ordinary citizens feel about this! This is the Bluegnome reporting recent events for Gnomevision!

Svinhufvud Accuse

2010-12-29T03:20:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! Today we have with us in the studio, here at Gnomeline, Professor Svinhufvud and on an external link Gnomas Foxy and Doxy and mr. Xhantar. I pass the word to Professor Svinhufvud! What's up?
- Well I was falsely accused yesterday for setting up fake attacks by fake Santas. Not only my own person, but also the Combat Gnome and the whole Combat Group, was falsely accused. The whole lot of the so called evidence was fabricated and constructed to make me look bad! But today it turns out that my accuser; mr. Xhantar has been caught with his trousers round his ancles! Isn't he a stinker?
- With us on a link from the Gnomelido Bar in downtown Dwarvesville we have Gnomas Foxy and Doxy! What can you tell us?
- We were sitting in the bar minding our very own business when this Xhantar-guy approached. He offered us drinks and stuff and finally he came with a suggestion of a photo-session in a room in the back of the bar. As he said that we were to be fairly paid for our small services, we agreed to his suggestions. In the back room it showed that he had other things in mind. He was not alone. There were two other guys there. Real scumbags if you ask us! And they did disgusting things!
- Who were these men?
- The police helped us to identify them as Duodenum and Anthrax! Really nasty bastards. They tied us up and made us do unspeakable things. Against our will! We did not want this we said! But we were told to shut the fuck up! Afterwards they throw us out in the cold winter night, practically without clothes! This Xhantar laughed and said that we should test ourselves for certain types of sicknesses! We have not slept ever since! He is an animal that one! A beast of a dwarf!
- What do you have to say, mr. Xhantar?
- That's the worst rubbish I've ever heard of! Okay we had a nice time together, but they were there of their own free will! And there were not anybody else there! To include Duodenum and Anthrax is an outright lie. This Svinhufvud is an intrigant son of a bitch, totally lacking scruples!
- What is your response to this Professor Svinhufvud?
- It's ridicilous! Yesterday they presented material that was consisting of photos taken of paper figurines; a total fake! Even the baloon was fake! People capable of such fraude, cannot ever be trusted in any respect!
- How do you plan to proceed with your accusations, Foxy and Doxy?
- Our lawyer, mr. Castlestream, has aviced us to go to court and press charges for rape and serious molesting against Xhantar, Duodenum and Anthrax. We also claim damages 20 million Euro!
- It is clear that a society ruled by law can't accept that scumbags like this are allowed to move arround without restrictions. They must be put behind bars where they belong!
- We thank Professor Svinhufvud for this insightsful and balanced comment and wish you all, dwarves, gnomes and folks good night?

Santa Terrorist Exposure

2010-12-28T04:33:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! Today we can present sensational material from Wackoleaks! Tell us more mr. Xhantar!
- Well yeah, after long surveilance we succeeded to get a snap-shot that proves that Svinhufvud and the Combat Group doesn't play with open cards. They have a hidden agenda. The snap-shot reveals Svinhufvud instructing fake Santas to make a fake terrorist attack. In the background we can see the Combat Group's Battle Baloon with the Combat Gnome in the front. The setting shows the crime, the planning and the involved actors en flagrante!

- Professor Anthrax what is your response to this sensational information?
- It's just what you could expect! Svinhufvud would do anything to prove his point. He has a long history of deception. Whatever he says must be considered as a possible lie and deception!
- What do you think of this Professor Duodenum?
- It's an outrage! The man is totally out of touch with reality and is actually trying to draw the rest of society into his sick perceptions. He wants our reality to be like his sick fantasies! Disgusting! For a month his has been rouming arround the world with his terror tales and now it is shown to be a total fake!
- Mr. Xhantar, what is your opinion of this?
- Well, we at Wackoleaks are pleased to reveal this kind of exposure of fakes, half-truths and outright public lies. We are here to serve the public! For a small cost of course!
- We thank mr. Xhantar, professors Anthrax and Duodenum for their illuminating information on this topic. Good night dwarves, gnomes and folks!

Svinhufvud Denies Fraud

2010-12-27T04:01:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dear dwarves, gnomes and folks! We have with us this evening in the Gnomeline Studio Professor Svinhufvud. Yesterday Professor Svinhufvud Wackoleaks accused you of grand scale fraud and that the war on Santa Terror was just about arresting ordninary citizens minding their own private business! Is there any substance in the claims of mr. Xhantar, professors Duodenum and Anthrax?
- Of course not! It is as always; a storm in a tin bucket! We have, in fact, hard evidence, proving that there has been REAL TERROR ATTACKS hurting ordninary people, destroying private and public property and terrorizing people! I have the photos and I have the the moving pictures as well!!!
- I see... there is no doubt then?
- Not a chance! It just wishful thinking of the scumbags back over at Gnomevision. The photos are clear in their information and they clearly show fake Santas running from the scenes of their crimes. I can add that all of these perpetrators you see here are held at Gnomantanamo Bay at the proesent.
- Can you describe what we see here?
- Of course! I'll be delighted to. First we se a Santa who set up a car bomb outside a mall. A disaster! Arround 100 casualties and a lot of damage to business installations. You can see the perpetrator running in the front. Isn't this a sight of a man totally lacking scruples?

- The second is a downtown bombing in Dwarvesville, destroying a supermarket causing the death of no more than 23 people, twelve gnomes and ten dwarves. Terrible and you see this Santa terrorist escaping in the front. It's making me sick actually just to look at it!

- Finally, the third is a bombing of a combined hardware store and supermarket. You see the terrorist running in the front. Here 43 people, two gnomes and seven dwarves were the victims.

What mr. Xhantar, Professor Duodenum and Professor Anthrax fail to see is that real dwarves, gnomes and folks are suffering from the ruthlessness of these rough Santas. Instead they accuse me. Talk about shooting the messenger!
- Thank you Professor Svinhufvud for setting us all on the right track. That's all dwarves, gnomes and folks, have a nice evening!

The Truth about the Santa Terror

2010-12-26T03:37:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dear dwarves, gomes and folks! This is the Bluegnome reporting directly from the Gnomevision studio and with us tonight are distinguished Professors Duodenum and Anthrax and on a link the admirable mr. Xhantar. You have sensational material for us tonight mr. Xhantar, haven't you?
- Oh yeah! Today we at the Wackoleaks release a lot of documents, 192,234 in fact, proving who the group behind Svinhufvud and the combat Gnome really has been holdning in custody at Gnomantanamo Bay!
- That sounds really intriguing, tell us more!
- It seems that of the 1,478 fake Santas arrested at Gnomantanamo Bay 942 was husbands and fathers preparing for X-mas celebration for their own or their neigbours kids. Arround 345 was arrested in malls and supermarkets taking up wishes from kids and the rest, 191, was actually involved in activities they could not explain in a rational manner. Of these 23 were armed with guns, knives and explosives. This means that Svinhufvud and his gang has rounded up approximately 1,456 innocent people and are still holding them in detention.
- This sounds not quite right...
- Not quite right! I beg your pardon! Is there something called rule of law here? Or has Svinhufvud ruling as a military dictator. I demand that all the detainee's at Gnomantanamo Bay are released immediately. This can't go on! It has to stop!
- I totally agree, as soon as we put that Svinhufvud charactyer behind bars the better! Having weapons for your personal protection isn't a crime as long as you can provide a licence for it! Explosives may be used celebrating X-mas and New Year, and then this is neither a crime!
- It seems that Svinhufvud has done some miscalculations here! That's all dwarves, gnomes and folks! See you tomorrow!

X-mas Day Terror Up-Date

2010-12-25T01:30:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! Tonight Professors Duodenum and Anthrax are with us here in the studio and on link we also have Mr. Xhantar available! What are your comments on the last development of this Santa terrorist business?
- It's an outrage! This lunatic Svinhufvud has totally destroyed X-mas. This lovely institution, invented for profiting business and sales of tottally unnecessary products. Business and sales are down both in Gnomopolis and Dwarvesville! It's a catastroph! Thanks to him we are on our way into a deep recession.
- All this can be blamed on Svinhufvud?
- Yes of course! Usually I am not fond of easy explanations, but where Svinhufvud is involved, he is to blame. It is as sure as there is rice in China and that bears take a shit in the woodlands!
- Furthermore, Svinhufvud has an ability to badly influence those cloose to him. He is like the bad apple in the basket, contaminating the whole lot! It would be better if he didn't exist!
- But what about yesterday? The Santa robbery in Stockholm and all the other things fake Santas did yesterday? Shouldn't we be worried about them?
- Of course this is severe incidents, but Svinhufvud actually makes them worse!
- Worse? How come?
- He exaggerates the events! Takes a small and insignificant event and make into a huge problem that threatens all of society as we know it!
- Oh, that is bad!
- Yeah, that's disinformation!
- We thank professors Duodenum, Anthrax and mr. Xhantar for their valuable and insightsful comments on these events. That's all dwarves, gnomes and folks!

Santa Robbery in Stockholm

2010-12-24T06:04:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! We have disturbing news from Stockholm, capital of Sweden, a northern banana monarchy! It appears that one of the Royal Guards, guarding the royal castle been robbed of his AK5 during the night. The robbers were... guess who? You're right; two fake Santas. Luckily we got a snap-shot of them, right before they rob the guard. It was the Garden Gnome Guide who creatively got the snap-shot with his cellphone camera.

- What did I tell you? They are planning something big!
- But why in Stockholm? It is out in the middle of nowhere? Wouldn't it be better to hit some big megapolis like Gnomopolis or Dwarvesville?
- Who knows what's going on in the heads of these deranged characters. No normal being can have any idea about that...
- So they are inscrutible?
- Quite so! Look at the screens behind me. First the snapshot of the robbery. It is almost as something two drunk guys going home from the pub in the middle of the night can come up with. Then there is the Santa that is showing his private parts in public, right behind me, and then finally a Santa kidnapper driving away with a blond girl. Do you need anymore evidence? These men are mean, evil and nasty!
- So people are wrong thinking that Santas are nice and generous?
- That's an illusion I hope that our work has terminated for god.
- That's all dwarves, gnome and folks! Merry, merry X-mas...

The Santas are all Guilty

2010-12-23T01:06:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! We have with us tonight on a link Professor Svinhufvud from Dwarvesville and live in the Studio the Garden Gnome Guide. What is your response to yesterday's pointless accusations Professor Svinhufvud?
- Well eh! What do you expect dealing with scumbags like that? I'll expalin by the force of the metaphore: "If you take that old tale about the the frog and scorpion, where the scorpion asks the frog if can take a hike on the frog's back crossing the river.
-Oh no, says the frog, I ain't that stupid. You will sting me and then I'll die!
- No you're quite wrong, says the scorpion, cause then we'll both die and I'm neither stupid nor suicidal! The frog starts thinking and comes to the conclusion that what the scorpion made sense and agree to take him across the river. Halfway out in the stream the scorpion stings the frog. With his dying breath the frog screams:
- But you promised and now you will also die...
- Sorry, said the scorpion, but it is my nature!" So you see, you may have illusions of the actions of certain people, but in the end they will act according to what's in their nature.
- Oh I see. What's up in the Santa Anti-Terror Campaign?
- Well we are now in the position of intensifying the finnish of the campaign! During the last 24 hours we have rounded 600 more Santas and sent them where they belong to Gnomantanamo Bay. But the Garden Gnome Guide knows more.
- What can you say about the state of things today?
- We are now entering the beginning of the end and we are hunting down the last ones of these fake and false Santas. But it is difficult, thanks to these false accusations from sources like Wackoleakes, and people tend to behave with suspicion against us. They ask us if it is really necessary to take the Santas away and if we don't understand that the kids are becoming sad when they see Santas being arrested in every street corner. Well I can only tell you only this: - A Gnome has to do what a Gnome has to do!
- That's is a remarkably straightforward answer!
- It is isn't it! I'm known to have a skill with public relations. I'm also known as a very very humble Gnome before I went into public relations! Doubtless, it would have been better to put me in the front rather than the Combat Gnome!
- How so?
- Certain problems can be solved with a baseball bat, others not! A nice and polite language is often more efficient than the most powerful blast with the baseball bat. Words rather than hard hickory! But read me right! We are determined to bring this campaign to a total success, be sure of that!
- I can't say it more elegantely myself! And I, Ambjoern Svinhufvud, promise that in the end, I and my forces will prevail. Let there be no doubt about that!
- We thank the Garden Gnome Guide and Professor Svinhufvud for reassuring us of a Merry Merry X-mas! That's all dwarves, gnomes and folks!

Santas all innocent?

2010-12-22T07:13:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! This is the Bluegnome, reporting directly from Gnomevison Studio. With us tonight we have, in the Studio Professors Duodenum and Anthrax, and on link Mr. Xhantar, all before a live bluegnome audience. We have the last days heard about a hideous fraud initiated by Professor Svinhufvud and his Combat Group. What is your response to this Mr. Xhantar?
- Our documentation at Wackoleaks tell a straightforward and plain story. At the Detention Centre at Gnomantanamo Bay, around 720 so called fake Santas are held in custody. Without any accusations or evidence presented against them. This is actually a case where certain members of society operate outside the law and against its intentions.
- I totally agree with Mr. Xhantar and claim that all this is to blame on Professor Svinhufvud. We ought to free all the so called fake Santas and put Svinhufvud and his gang behind bars instead. This Svinhufvud bastard is destroying X-mas for ordinary people and making dwarves and gnomes very impopular. His threatening the existence of our whole community.
- That dangerous?
- He is a menache to society... but we will get him... hopefully before X-mas! Otherwise we will have a lot of unhappy and vengence wanting kids on our backs... They can be really mean if they don't get what they want!
- That's all dwarves, gnomes and folks! Good evening to you!

All Accusations are False

2010-12-21T05:41:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! Today we have the admirable and distinguished Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud with us. What is your response to all these outrageous accusations of yesterday?
- Well, ahh, of course they are all false! There is nothing at all true in them! The fantasies of mad men!
- Nothing?
- None whatsoever! I will explain so you all, dwarves, gnomes and folks will understand what has happened.
- We are all ears!
- Well, to begin with we have the photographic evidence. On my left, right behind my, we see the Santa escaping over the rooftops. We also have him in custody and he has given us his full confession. The second you can find on my right, which is the fake Santa that we caught escaping right outside the shopping centre. He has also given his full confession and also given us the names of the fake Santas that died in the attack. There were three of them. We also secured the remains of the truck. The truck contain evedence that point to certain group of collaborators. But that's classified for now!
- Oh, that is impressing Professor. But still, it does not really explain away the accusations from Duodenum and this Xhantar character.
- No you're quite right. If you look up to the screen in the middle, that's the big one, I will tell you something about disinformation. There they are, all four of them,... all of the scumbags!
- Yes I can see that...
- Take the old saying: "... where there is smoke, there is fire!" If you say something which is completely false, it will plant a feeling of doubt towards your person among people. That's because your opponent use a rhetoric trick, undermining your ethos; that is your credibility. In the heads of people there will always be doubt about your honesty. But you have to expose an explanation that is logically consistent. People have to believe that is was possible for you to cheat on the public. That brings us to the final part of the rhetoric triad; pathos... you convince people that the accused is guilty beyond doubt and then you hang him, metaphorically speaking.
- It is a very interesting story, but I don't understand what it has to...
- Don't be stupid! It's obvious! I made those charlatans over at Gnomevision loose face and now they are coming after me to save that bastard Anthrax... and he is where he belong... in the luny bin...
- Oh! On the contrary, we have a fresh report here that says that Professor Anthrax was released from the psychiatric facility where he was held the last few days...
- I'll be damned... he talked his way out of that one too... that son of a bitch...
- Does that make you feel unsafe?
- Bahh, me unsafe... but I'll surely will consult my lawyer. That Anthrax... he is utterly mad and capable of anything!
- Well that's all dwarves, gnomes and folks; a very, very good night to you!

Gnomevision Expose Fraud

2010-12-20T04:33:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dear dwarves, gnomes and folks! Today we are able to expose what seems to be a great fraud! A scandal in fact! Explain to us Professor Duodenum!
- I'll be delighted to do so! It seems like there are certain conditions concerning yesterday's bombing downtown that are unclear, to say the least!
- How so?
- It seems that documents has been released that reveal that Svinhufvud and the Combat Group did not only fight the fake Santas, they in fact staged the whole thing...
- Where does this information come from?
- It has been provided from the new company Wackoleaks and it's spokesgnome Julio Xhantar. Luckily we have him with us tonight on a link from Gnomopolis! Hello Julio, how are you!
- Hi there! I'm fine!
- What does the information say more exactly?
- It seems like Svinhufvud and the Combat Group took prisoners from Gnomantanamo Bay, dressed them up and provided them with the bombs and drove them to the Shopping Centre.
- But thats awful... looks like a complete set-up!
- Sure, thats what you can expect, dealing with scum like that!
- We have with us also Professor Svinhufvud on a link from Dwarvesville! What is your response to this accusations?
- This is ridicilous! This group around Anthrax are upset because he got locked up in the nut-house and now they try and retaliate against my humble person.
- Mr. Xhantar, what is your source for this information?
- Sorry! That is classified information! My sources are secure with me!
- You see! This is the old strategy; where there is smoke there has to be a fire!
- We will get you! You old scumbag!!!
- I'm sure glad I didn't go into that studio!!!
- We have stop the broadcasting here and wish you a very, very good night dear dwarves, gnomes and folks!!!

Downtown Terror Report

2010-12-19T04:01:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! This is the Combat Gnome and Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud reporting to you from downtown live! A spectacular bombing has taken place in a shopping centre and the full magnitude of it is yet unknown. It seems like the management hired some Santas to increase sales. Unfortunately it was this sinister fake Santa type they choose for the job! What is your response and reflexions Professor Svinhufvud?
- Well! What can you expect? You warn people and tell them how to behave to minimize risk! What do they do? The opposite of course! The result we all can see behind my back. Not much of a shopping centre left after that bomb, eh? One of the perpetrators is lying behind me. I had to let my combat gnomes immobilize him! Fine job they did! Another one is escaping over the roof, but we will get him, be sure of that!
- Why did it turn out so bad?
- Well, what do you expect? They let the damned Santas move in their gear using a truck! How stupid can you be? There were tons and tons of TNT in there... madre de los dios!!! Unfortunately, we cannot charge the management who allowed all this, cause they had a board meeting when the bomb went off on the upper floor... I guess they will have to find a new management group now... nut there is no scarcity of that type professionals nowadays...
- This is a sad experience to learn as people neglect sensible pieces of advice and go on as there were no danger at all. We have to remember that the scumbags we are dealing with here are completely ruthless! The one escaping over the roof we will give a good bat beating, be sure of that!
- We thank the Combat Gnome and Professor Svinhufvud for these words of wisdom and wish you all dwarves, gnomes and folks a very, very good evening indead!

Gnomeline Exposure of Anthrax Scandal

2010-12-18T04:31:00.000-08:00

-Good evening dear viewers and others! Today we have something special for all of you. We can actually show what happened down at Gnomevision yesterday when Professor Anthrax got into a psychotic or almost catatonic state. As we see on the video he is actually biting the Bluegnome in his hand and right after smashes him in the head with a hammer. What is your comment Professor Svinhufvud?

- As you can see, he is totally out of control! A mad man in at large! Look at those strong teeth crushing the fingerbones in the Bluegnome's hand! That' what I call a bite! Extraordinary, indead! And look at that blow! What a skill with the hammer! A carpenter can't do it better! I'm impressed!
- Impressed? I thought you were going to be shocked!
- Shocked? No I thought he was going totally bananas, but to quote William Shakespeare's Hamlet: "Surely this is madness, yet there's method init!" Nice controlled hit with the hammer! Makes you happy to see such skill...
- Hmmm, what do you think will be the consequences of this scandal?
- It is entirely up to the Bluegnome. Personally I would sue him of his very last centavo and call for the harshest punishment in the law book.
- You would actually want him to hang for that?
- He is clearly a waste of space and has always been. The world would be a better place without him.
- We thank Professor Svinhufvud for those words and with us from a hospital downtown we have the Bluegnome: How are you doing today?
- Well despite the circumstances! A bit of headache and a wound in the head and two brooken fingers.
- Will you file charges against Professor Anthrax?
- We are in a negotiation his and mine lawyer and I can't reveal anything until those negotiations are finnished.
- We thank the Bluegnome for sharing this with us. Good night dwarves, gnomes and folks, that's all for now!

Gnomevision response to Last night's Call-in

2010-12-17T01:09:00.000-08:00

- Good Evening dear viewers! This the Bluregnome direct from Gnomevision's Studio. With us tonight live we have Professors Anthrax and Duodenum. And by link Professor Svinhufvud. First I will address you Professor Svinhufvud: What do you think of ordniary people's responses to your performance yesterday? They were very agitated to say the least.

- Well you know people act on things that really are a storm in bucket full of water, that's their life in principle... where no problem is... they see plenty... I see a terrorist... they see a nice man promoting a joyful holiday... I arrest the terrorist... they see me as the villain...

- You don't think you're acting patronizing and even arrogantly towards the public now?

- You could see me as a benevolent Grandfather, caring for his grandchildren... a little bit worried, but still caring and acting in their best interest.

- That didn't seem to work on that Sandra girl, did it?

- Ah you know children... sensitive beings aren't they, but charming in their awkward way. You cannot actually reason with a six-year-old...

- Professor Anthrax, what is you reflexion on this comment?

- It is consistent with what I claimed for decades. This joke of a man is an ass and a swine, which his name indicates. He doesn't care for ordinary people because he doesn't understand them and the reason for that is that he is a freak! Who other than a freak would surgically alter himself into a gnomelike dwarf?

- I beg your pardon! I thought this was going to be a civilized debate about people's fears and problems. But it seems to boil down to a personal vendetta. I think that Professor Anthrax is as beneficial for society as the disease his name is reflecting!

- I'll kill you... you bastard!!! I'll wring your neck and...

- See what I mean... totally out of control... hardly civilized at all... send him to the nut-house... you probably will ave to restrain him in some way... ohh, that cannot be called normal... maybe a fling of foot and mouth disease?

- Arrgh... hrmfpf... grfff...!!! Kill... kill... destroy... arghaahhh!!!

- We have to break there... it seems that Professor Anthrax has moved into a stage of uncontrollable rage... can somebody help me here... before he chews up my hand... Good evening dear viewers and I hope you will have an enjoyable evening...

People ask Professor Svinhufvud about X-mas

2010-12-16T09:31:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dear viewers! As it has come to our attention a lot of people seems to worry about not be able to celebrate x-mas at all because of all this fuzz about Santa terrorism. I have to advice you to go back and listen to our advice on x-mas safety. Not everything about x-mas is dangerous!

- Who is this we with us?

- This is Thor-Arne Freyen, and I want to ask Professor Svinhufvud if this Santa panic isn't vastly overrated?

- On the contrary! I would say you cannot be to careful. You don't want to cause a family tragedy during x-mas, do you?

- I still think it sounds as a bit of hysteria in it!

- Hysteria? I beg your pardon? Shall we wait until a bomb blows up in the midst of your family?

- No I didn't mean to...

- No don't think so! Leave the worries to us and just follow our suggestions for precautions and everything will work out just fine! Thank you!

- And who is with us here?

- Me... I am Liu Meimei...

- And what do you want to ask about?

- Sorry, what kind of programme is this?

- We have an open call-in where you can ask Professor Svinhufvud about X-mas precautions!

- Sorry, I don't know what X-mas precautions is!

- Never heard of x-mas?

- Sorry we don't celebrate in People's Republic...

- Who is with us here?

- Iits Ssandra... I am sad...

- Why are you sad Sandra?

- I was just going to tell Santa what I want for X-mas when those terrible combat gnomes attacked him and took him away... they hit him...

- You should be glad Sandra... he could have killed you... nasty bugger that one...

- No he was kind...

- Tsss, tsss... children... easily bribed...

- What is your opinion of these voices of the concerned public Professor Svinhufvud?

- Well, when people comes to their senses, which will be around the second of January, they will realize that I done them a great favour and saved them from disaster. No doubt about it!

- We thank Professor Svinhufvud for these words of comfort and great you Good Evening dear viewers!

Safety Advice for X-mas

2010-12-15T11:03:00.000-08:00

- Good Evening dear viewers to Gnomeline Information! My name is the Garden Gnome Guide and I am going to inform you on how to avoid dangers during x-mas when shopping. We all know, that is the gnome community, shopping excessively during x-mas is damaging to your inner being. A good and healthy gnome does not engage in such activities. Unfortunately not all of us has yet reached gnomehood. In fact, the only one we know of, is the admirable Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud, who in changed himself into gnomehood artificially by surgery. It is few who want to pay such a price to reach perfection in mind and body.

Nevertheless, if you feel that you cannot resist the temptation of excessive shopping during x-mas, I have some advices for you.

1. Don't go into crowds where you cannot see everybody that's in it. At the very centre there can be a vicious Santa with nasty motives and agendas.

2. If you spot a sack, avoid it. Don't think for a minute that these sacks have to be of the traditional brownish type. They can have any colour. We have a theory that generally fake Santas are colour blind or don't care. No sense of tradition in other words.

3. Beware of glimpses of the colour red. Where there is red colour fake Santas are not far away.

4. Be alrted by the sound "Hou hou". It is only Santas and imbecilles that sound that way. And you can be nice to imbecilles the rest of the year.

5. You don't have to be alerted by reindeer though. Fake Santas are never equipped with genuine and live reindeer.

6. Keep distance towards open chimney fires. Fake Santas have been known to throw bombs down chimneys and it might destroy your x-mas.

If you keep to these advices I think that you're going to have a nice and Merry Merry X-mas! That's all dwarves, gnomes and folks!

Santa Invasion Debate

2010-12-14T11:32:00.000-08:00

- Good evening everybody! This a broadcast directly from Gnomevision. Presenting for you Professor Stareling Duodenum and Professor Anthrax live in the studio. The course of the events seems to have escalated. What is your insightsful opinion Professor Anthrax?

- Well, what we see here is pretty much what could be expected. The madman Svinhuvfud went right into the hornets nest, and look what he brought upon us! There are Santas everywhere! This is ridicilous! Have can there be more terrorists than people to terrorize?

- And this is unusual?

- Very much so, indead! This will tear on the law enforcement resources. I don't know if we really can match this. We will need prisoncamps the size of Nou Camp in Barcelona! Several of them!

- Yes, we think that all these Santas, look on my right, there are thousands of them in downtown Moscow. The Russian Omon Forces cannot match this. They are helpless. It's worse than during the coup d'etat in 1991.

- Usually, the terrorist are few and the ordinary people are many, but this... we have no experience of problems this size. For all we know, they might have bullet proof vests and then it becomes very tricky...

- Okay, we will look out and report if the situation detoriates and come to you, dear viewers! Good Night to You, dear Viewers!

Santa Terror Sack Found in Madrid

2010-12-13T11:47:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dear viewers! This is the Bluegnome reporting live from Madrid, Spain. Today a sack has been found right in middle of the Plaza Mayor in Madrid. At the present the Spanish anti-terror-forces have employed their Robotbomb Disarmament device to try and disarm the Santa Bomb Terror Sack. The Santa himself was seen running from the crime scene in wild panic. José Destroudo with the Anti-Terror Group tells us that he won't be at large for long now. Meanwhile the Plaza is evacuated and no people are allowed for the next two blocks. Señor Destroudo tells us that there might be weapons of masssestruction in the sack and the group does not want to destroy the central parts of the Spanish capital. That's all for now folks and Gnomes!

Santa Terrorist in Psycho Therapy

2010-12-12T06:25:00.000-08:00

Wellcome dear viewers! Today I, the Garden Gnome Guide, will present some interesting results into the investigation of the dark minds of the Santa Impostors! Behind me we have the character to be analyzed. He can be described as man in utter delusion and he is barely aware of his whereabouts. Typical is his mindless chanting:
- Hou hou...
We've been going to great a length to try and reach him, but his speach only contain some barely understandable phrases:
- Hou hou!
- What do you want for x-mas?
- Have you been a nice boy this year?
- Have you been a nice girl this year?
- Have you eaten your porridge this year?
You see that a therapist cannot make anything out this and we have began to think about the condition as a decease, something contagious and dangerous! Might actually spread in the wider population! From psycho-dynamic viewpoint it is depressing as there is simply nothing there. The only possibility to describe the condition from psychiatric viewopoint is as an early stage of catatonia....
- What does that mean?
- In the end the sick person will freeze in a static position unable to move and out of reach for any meaningful contact! We will see these character lying around everywhere, in parks, plazas and streets! Just like garbage, if you ask me!
- We thank the Garden Gnome Guide for his insightsful analysis of this tragic condition!

Svinhufvud explains the Meaning of Santa Terror

2010-12-11T08:00:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dear Gnomeline viewers! Today we have with us the the artificial dwarf and the distinguished Professor Svinhufvud. You Professor Svinhufvud have promosed to explain to us about the Santa Terror and how to deal with the threat. How we will be able to still sleep well in our cozy beds.

- Thank you, thank you! You're much too kind to my humble person... Dear folks, dwarfs and Gnomes, we live in difficult times... troubled times I dare to say, troubled indead... hmm... hmmm... if we look at the screen to my left, we see an archetypical Santa, unfortunately drunk and fallen out of the chimney. We could bear these extravaganzas, but not what it has all turned out to be lately. In the middle we see a parade of badly disguised Santas... these are a part of what we are up against... these Santas are relatively easy to find and expose and terminate...

- Terminate?

- I mean lock up in custody, until x-mas is over for now... but our real trouble is the one on the lower right. That particular specimen or type isn't easily exposed, but has a rather convincing disguise cause it is basically genuine. Yeah, tricky these are. Tricksters you could call'em! You cannot pull them by the beard and expose'em that way... there is no way the layman to see through this kind of disguise. Will look like the genuine thing to'em... hrmf, hrmf...

- We thank Professor Svinhufvud for these illuminating words out of his limitless wsidom. Good Night everybody! And beware of Bad Santas out there!

Attack in Paris

2010-12-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

- Good evening! This is the Bluegnome reporting directly from Paris for Gnomevision, and here Professor Starling Duodenum has just led an attack against the Santa Terrorists. We ask Professor Duodenum, how did it turn out?
- Well if you ask me it went okay! Law enforcement operations are the culmination of work that goes on for weeks and weeks, and what we see in news flashes are just glimpses of our reality. It's hard work with little of glory and heroism!
- But what happened here?
- I dare say that we had a good and successful operation. Not excellent, but neither a disaster.
- Did you catch a Santa Terrorist?
- Not exactly! The French police claim that our troopers shot an old lady dressed in red dress. What they don't understand is that our men register red dress and white hair... that's two out of three... and she also had a brown handbag... which for our troopers was a Santa sack filled with explosives... The French said that we will have to pay for this... dearly...
- Ohh... what happens now?
- Oh, we have a new operation... this time I will beat that damned Svinhufvud... I promise you that!!!

Santa Terror Protection Education

2010-12-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

Dear viewers! Welcome to Gnomeline Education in cooperation with the Anti-Santa-Terrorist Combat Group.
I am the Garden Gnome Guide and I am your guide into the minds of evil and nasty Santa impostors. What's behind that seemingly nice and joyful surface? You meet them in stores, on streets and even in your home - they are always expressing this strange sound: - Hou hou hou... What does it mean? Does it have any meaning at all? Santas in their modern form and shape are a relatively new part of our society. There are traces back in folklore and old Christian tales, but they could all be taken rather lightly. We have to look at their present appearance.
This appearance is mainly a social construction to promote sales of largely unnecessary merchandise. Its a salespromotion that is being an integrated part of modern consumerism. Okay, they make us spend a lot of money on things we really don't need. That's bad, but it isn't necessary evil! But when these sinister Santa Terrorist take over wearing their disguises and infiltrate society it becomes evil, if the goal is to maim or seriously injure innocent people.
People ask us if it is really necessary to arrest and imprison every Santa we find! We have only one answer to this:
- One lousy terrorist on the loose out there is one too many! We will hold them until after x-mas, when they become harmless as nobody gets tricked by a Santa from February to September!
Think of this: -
Beware of characters in red clothes, white beard and hair! If somebody says "hou hou", take it as a threat and report it to the authourities in general and the Anti-Santa-Terrorist Combat Group in particular!!!

Warning - Beware of Santa Impostors

2010-12-08T01:54:00.000-08:00

The Combat Group hereby inform the concerned public that during this x-mas there might be fake Santas coming into your homes. We warn you that these impostors have hidden agendas and sometimes weapons and bombs with them into your homes. Don't let any of them into your home. Be sure that it only takes one Santa with a suicidal belt to destroy your x-mas and maybe ruin your family forever. Allow no trespassing!

Be also alert when visiting malls and shopping centres as these impostors frequently visit and seemingly work in these places. The danger is actually worse in such places, because these fake Santas are able to bring loads and loads of destructive weapons and bombs in their x-mas sacks. If you spot one of these x-mas men, keep the distance and call for the Combat Group and we will take care of them and save your x-mas...

The Combat Group bid you beware and a Merry Merry X-mas

Rounding up the Rough Santas

2010-12-07T13:42:00.000-08:00

Today we on Gnomeline News brings you a live field report from the rounding up of some Terror Santas. They were surely planning some sinister business when they were discovered by the Combat Group and drove towards the rouning up place, the Combat Gnome told us. He said he was sorry he couldn't talk directly to us, cause this matter demanded his full attention. He said that the Santas had a lot of sacks contain their typical terrorist gear. He was glad that he saved the lives of numerous innocent people by this act.

The Santas on the other hand was screaming and yelling, demanding legal representation. Which, by the way, is impossible as they have no rights. Having no rights, there can be no trial, no lawyer and no judgement.

Gnomevision Debate

2010-12-06T11:47:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dear viewers! This is the Bluegnome directly reporting from the Gnomevision Studio. Today we the pleasure to present the distinguished Professor Victor G. Antrax and his collegue the Associate Professor Stareling Duodenum, who are joining us for an analyses of the events of last week in general and yesterday in particular! What is your response to these events Professor Antrax?

- What do you expect? I go to a conference at the Incheon University and what happens? When I return the whole place is turned into a luny bin! Is it too much to ask of people to restrain themselves?

- So you mean that this whole business with the Terror-Santa conspiracy is rubbish?

- Oh no! You've got me all wrong there! The Santas are guilty all right! But it is our business to deal with'em, not that charlatan Svinhufvud's! We have been watching these Santas for a long time now and were just ready to make our move when this Svinhufvud destroys everything!

- I can't agree more! He actually spoiled years of surveillance and investigation into this business. And now everything is spolied... down the toilet... kaputt, zu vergangenheit gegangen! said an angry Duodenum. And they opened that prison centre, when we had spent loads and loads of cash building our own detention centre. We were actually planning to catch every last one of these Santa imposters on x-mas Eve!

- On x-mas Eve, then all the children would have been sad! said the astonished Bluegnome.

- Nevermind the children, I'm referring to our common future... a future without these charlatan's without talent. They will surely be better off in the long run...

- So how will you respond to Svinhufvud's initiative?

- We will have to come back to you on that one... that's all I can say for now!

- We thank Professor Antrax and associate Professor Duodenum for this insightsful piece of information...

Svinhufvud's Declaration

2010-12-05T08:58:00.000-08:00

- Good Evening, to all our dedicated viewers! Today we are looking forward to listen to Professor Svinhuvfud's Declaration of the reasons behind and the motivation for the Anti-Santa-Terrorist Campaign. I welcome you Professor Svinhufvud!

- Thank you very much! What I have to say today is indeed very serious and nothing to laugh about! To long did we have given a blind eye towards this threat to society as we know it. This means that they have been able to infiltrate us for centuries and no one noticed. Yeh, of course the Gnome community immediately recognized these imposters as they tried to take the rightful place in society, reserved for the Gnome community.

It all started back 1087, as Barinese pirates went to Myra in Anatolia and stole the relics of St. Nicholaus and brought the bones back to Bari, Italy and built a huge church in Bari to celebrate the theft. No good start there, I'll tell you!

Nevertheless,, to make a long story a little bit shorter: the really big and seriously threatening infiltration started as the modern way of celebrating x-mas began in the beginning of the 20th Century. Suddenly there appeared a numerous of ways to mask oneself and go out to do bad things. The Santa disguise was perfect to conceal bombs, molotov-cocktails, guns, light artillery and suicide bombing devices. And the sack with the parcels! Unlimited possibilities! But now all this has to end. I plan to propose a binding law where it becomes forbidden to impersonate Santa. Instead this task will be transferred to the Gnome community and they will provide the public with the services of imposters we use today.

- We thank Professor Svinhufvud for this declaration! Something you want to add?

- Just that those who are eager to konow more just have to read our Manifesto of Shortness, where all is revealed. All in the name of the Great Gnome Master.

Report from Gnomantanamo Bay

2010-12-04T11:54:00.000-08:00

- Good evening dear and eager viewers! Tonight we bring you a report on how things are down at the Terrorist Detention Centre at Gnomantanamo Bay. How are things, we ask the Combat Gnome?

- Pretty awful! These Terror Santas haven't got any manners at all, so we have to teach'em the hard way. Nothing a hickory baseball bat can't fix!

- Let me out of here you lousy midget son of a bitch!

- You hear? No manners whatsoever! But I'll teach'm!

- Why is he protesting?

- This lying bastard claims that he was just minding his own business delivering x-mas presents to an orphange! Do you believe that? They'll stop at nothing in their filthy terrorist business. To deliver nasty bombs and the Great Gnome Master knows what!

- You damned motherfucking dwarf! Why did you have to destroy all the orphan's x-mas presents?

- Tsss, tsss... yeh hear? Claims to be the saviour of innocent animals, women and children... As far as we know he could very well be a paedophile! That would explain his interest in children...

- We hear of children and social workers meeting to demonstrate against your violence against innocent Santas just working to make children happy, who hasn't got any family. What do you respond to that?

- They are naive and basically misinformed by the huge traditional apparatus of the x-mas lobby. Merchants and thiefs, basically if you ask me! But this will be explained to you by Professor Svinhufvud. He will reveal the truth about this whole business of Santas and stuff!

- When can we expect this enlightenment?

- Tomorrow he told me...

- I thank the Combat Gnome for this report and we turn to other news...

Gnomeline Fieldreport

2010-12-03T07:35:00.000-08:00

- Good Evening dear viewers! Today we can provide you with an exclusive fieldreport from the ongoing Campaign against Santa-Terrorism. On the screen just now you can see the Combat Gnome (the one with the baseball-bat) and two other fighting gnomes. What happened here?

- We came across a Terror-Santa, who was equipped with his usual red-coloured gear and a big brown sack, filled with suspicious looking parcels. Presumably bombs of some sort! The combat group succeeded to paralyze the Santa and remove the sack out of his control and then took away his clothing in the search for suicide bombing devices. The evidence has now been removed from crime-scene and we are now waiting for transportation of the Terror-Santa to the Gnomantanamo Bay Terrorist Detention Centre.

- How do you evaluate this terrorist-attack?

- It must be considered as serious. After all he had a lot of suspicious looking devices on his body and in the sack... He also put up real hard resistance.

- As for instance what kind of devices?

- I'm sorry, but that is classified information. But he was yelling about his constitutional rights. Rubbish of course! Terrorists have no rights!

- We thank the Combat Gnome for this illuminating report from the field of action.

The Gnome Anti-Santa-Terror Combat Attack Group

2010-12-02T09:24:00.000-08:00

- Today we proudly present the Gnome Anti-Santa-Terror Combat Attack Group (GASTCAG). Behind me we see what we are after: Bad Santas! Here impersonated by Billy Bob Thornton. Everybody know that this is a movie character, but nevertheless the character is the very image of the sort of terrorist we are going to hunt down and put away! said Professor Svinhuvfud. And now I give the word to the Garden Gnome Guide who is going to have the full operative responsibility for the actions taken in the field!

- Pleased to see so many of you here! said the Garden Gnome Guide. We have decided to create a prison-camp for the detainees at Gnomantanamo Bay, where they will be held i custody indefinitely. We will hunt them in the streets, in the plazas and in the malls! Wherever they show their distasteful disguises in public we will restrain them, detain them and imprison them. Simply because they are a threat to society as we know it. Look at the character behind me, the perpetrator of hideous and unspeakable crimes against children and their parents! Thats what we are fighting!

- Thanks for that illuminating information! We will stop at nothing until this threat is defeated and swept away from the face of the Earth! said Professor Svinhufvud aggressively.

- Does this mean that there are going to be no Santas at all this X-mas? one of the journalists asked...

- I can promise you nothing! They may all be scumbags! But those of them that can prove their innocence will be left alone! said the Garden Gnome Guide.

There was some commotion among the journalists, but the security guards brought them to their sences using electric devices usually used on cattle...

- As there seems to be no more questions from the public I hereby declare this press conference finnished! said the Garden Gnome Guide, exposing an authoritative look on his face.

Gnomeline Newsflash

2010-12-01T11:07:00.000-08:00

- Good evening we welcome you to this evenings newsflash from Gnomeline, the ultimate network for broadcasting gnomenews! With us today we have the distinguished professor Svinhufvud, who practically is an expert on everything!

- Thank you, thank you! You think to highly of my humble person!

- You claim, professor Svinhufvud, that we do not take the terrorist threats seriously enough?

- That's right! I think that the focus has been put in the wrong direction!

- How do you mean?

- Well, everybody seems to focus on muslims in general and specifically in women dressed in Burkhas and Niqabs. I think that is a mistake. The real threat is much more close!

- How is that?

- Everybody seems to look into the wrong kind of disguise. It is actually there right in front of us, but we don't see it...

- What do you mean?

- I'm talking of these frequently occurring imposters of St. Claus! They are everywhere and disguised beyond recognition. For instance look at the guy behind me, if it is a guy, you couldn't really be sure of that! He has a beard and hair that hides all his features. And, most important, he hands over a parcel! Nobody could tell what's in it! Could be a bomb! Could be anthrax! No one knows...

- We thank professor Svinhufvud for bringing this to our attention...

- I will take action against this... you can be sure of that...

- Thank you professor...

Cabinet Meetings in Strange Places

2010-10-19T00:52:00.000-07:00

Today I was enjoying myself with a simple crossword, when I suddenly realize that the pic in the middle is of a Mongolian Cabinet Meeting, held in late August 2010. It seems like President Elbegdorj took the initiative in response to the disaster that hit Mongolia this winter, in the form of the white zuud, which killed around 20 percent of the live-stock. Zuud is the Mongolian word for different forms of disaster. The white zuud is connected to snow, which normally is rather scarce in Mongolia. The climate is arid and Ulaanbaatar, for instance, has approximately 300 sunny days a year. Climate Change has during recent years increased the amount of snow during winter and as a consequence animals can't graze, but will starve, as they can't reach the grass.

In October 2009, the island republic of the Maldives the President Mohammad Nashhed set up a Cabinet Meeting beneath the surface of the sea, in order to protest against the consequences of Climate Change that threatens to make the islands of the Maldives disappear from the face of the Earth. What seems to be a small matter in the industrialised world, is a matter of life and living space in the Maldives.

In early December 2009, the Nepalese Cabinet held a Meeting, led by Prime Minister Madhav Kumar Nepal, on 5,300 meters altitude, in front of Mount Everest, to protest against Climate Change.

"The Himalayas are important not only for the people of Nepal but for 1.3 billion people who depend on waters from the mountains for their livelihoods." said the Prime Minister.

These three snap-shots from different places on the planet show how hard Climate Change might hit different parts of our world. Cattle, sheep, goats and horses starve to death in Mongolia - the Maldives will disappear - disaster might result from vanishing glaciers in the Himalayas. The irony of it is that the people who gain to most at the present, from this state of world affairs, will probably not here when the descendants of the Mongolians, Maldivians and Nepalese reflect on what went wrong with Western Civilization. They are simply tougher then we are...

A Happy Republic without a Head of State

2010-05-25T01:38:00.000-07:00

Original poster for French movie Ridicule by Patrice Leconte 1996.

There is a French movie from the 1990s called Ridicule, by director Patrice Leconte. The story plot is basically that an engineer from Northern France goes to Paris, in order to get a permit and funding to drain a swamp and this way develop the area economically. He spends an awful lot of time envolving in absurd practices at the court of Louis XVI. Nothing of what he is forced to do att court has anything to do with the real purpose of his stay there. That is the absurdity of the whole situation.
Similarly, we poor Swedes nowadays has to watch the feudal rites of our head of state and his family preparing for the wedding of their oldest daughter. As Sweden is a monarchy, the head of state is selected by a kind of breeding process. Sorry to say that makes the so called blue-blooded royality all the more degenerated as time passes by. To be polite - they do not represent the intelligencia of the country. The process seems to bring the least fit to the job. Therefore the process itself is a failure!
So howcome we do proceed in this clear folly? Why do Swedish tax-payers have to pay for the up-coming wedding? How can the Prime Minister give away state property to the newly married? The Haga castle is in the process becoming a restricted area where ordinary Swedes may no longer walk freely, instead the newly married will dwell there behind barbed wire and security guards. To my recollection there is a Swedish law which says that it is illegal to give away state property...

Louis XVI executed at Place de la Révolution 1793, in Paris.

To return to Patrice Leconte's masterpiece Ridicule, the problem that the engineer met at court was neatly solved by the French Revulotion, occuring just a decade later. We, the Swedish people, have the chance to get rid of this ridiculous and sorry excuse for a head of state once and for all. We had the chance in 1848, 1870, 1914 and in the 1970s, but we missed it. Don't miss it again!
A Swedish political scientist proposed, a couple of months ago, that it would be rather easy to turn Sweden into a republic. The simple solution would be to abolish to head of state position right now and replace it with... nothing. As citizen CG Bernadotte does close to nothing constitutionally, it would be very easy to hand over those redundant tasks to the Prime Minister and the Speaker of the Parliament. And we have a constitutional innovation, replacing the political dinosaur of monarchy!
Why wait? It is like facing a necessary surgical operation, if you wait it only gets worse!

Make Sweden a Republic Now!

2010-05-19T04:12:00.000-07:00

Silvia Bernadotte, born Sommerlath, in one of her hats.

The present head of state in Sweden, CG Bernadotte, is married to a woman, that reached her social position thanks to her father, Walther Sommerlath, who joined the National Sozialistische Deutsche Arbeiter Partei Auslands Organization (the Nazi Party’s foreign organization) on 1 December 1934, in São Paolo, Brazil. This was at a time when it was very unusual for Germans living more or less permanently abroad to join the Nazi Party. According to journalist Mats Deland those who joined this abroad department was urged to be active members. In the year 1939 Walther Sommerlath purchased a factory located in the Cottbus area of the German capital Berlin. This mainly industrial area was until 1938 dominated by Jewish factory owners. That changed after the Cristall Night that year. The problem is how the acquisition was acheived – Under what kind of circumstances did it take place?

Document showing Walther Sommerlath's entry into the Nazi Party in December 1934.

Silvia Sommerlath, herself, claim that the family was stopped from leaving Germany, when they wanted to return to Brazil. This makes the acquisition of the factory interesting. Silvia claims that as her father and mother returned to Germany in 1935, the factory was already in her father’s possession. Or was it two different factories?

Walther Sommerlath dancing with his wife.

This is indeed a very interesting question, as the Swedish monarchy is quite well-known for its links to Nazi Germany, and the present head of state’s frequent statements on how good rulers the Sultan of Brunei and King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia are. In fact, they act and behave as virtual role models for a good and benevolent leadership, all according to CG Bernadotte…

CG Bernadotte decorating his dear friend, the King of Saudi Arabia Abdullah bin al-Azziz.

Doesn’t this tell us something about how the Bernadotte family view democracy and the people? Make Sweden a republic immediately!

Republic now!

2010-04-28T00:41:00.000-07:00

We Swedes have been waiting long enough now, since the usurpator Gustav Eriksson Vasa by a coup d'etat abolished our electoral kingdom in 1521, and enforced hereditary monarchy. Interesting enough it was in those years that the Florentinian diplomat Niccolo Machiavelli wrote Discorsi, which is a book built on the claim that the republic is superior to other ways of governng a state. Of course, being Italian, you cannot argue that the republic is not a superior rule, and still claim to be an intellectual.

Machiavelli's main argument for not utilize republican rule was that some states had a population that was not yet ready for republican rule. The people had been living under such circulstances that were characterised by authoritarian, not to say tyrannical rule, and as a consequence they were not yet ready for the relatively free republican rule.

Before 1521, we Swedes elected who should be the ruler, but after the coup d'etat of 1521, we are sort of stuck with hereditary monarchy. Are we Swedes not yet ready for republican rule? Do we still have to breed ur head of state?

Some claim that the royal family is very good international PR for Sweden. We live in Europe and after the First World War the obligation of having a monarch was taken away and the republican rule was allowed in Europe again. Of course it never disappeared completely, which the Second and Third Republics of France is valid evidence of. The cruzial point, however, is that the majority of newly independent states, after WWI, are republics, not monarchies. Why is that?

First, hereditary monarchy is undemocratic and suggests that all people are NOT equal. Actually, the royal family is worth more than an ordinary Swedish citizen. The royal family has got blue blood. To my understanding only some crabs have blue blood, because the blood does not contain hemoglobin, but hemocyan. The Swedish royal family stems from a French lawyer, Henri Bernadotte, which does not seem that far above ordinary citizens. And Jean Baptiste Bernadotte, himself was a republican, he claimed.

Second, after all Sweden has been a democracy since 1921. Shouldn't we have reached the point of being able to deal with republican rule now and abolish monarchy once and for all?

Third, hereditary monarchy in Sweden has a bad track record. The beginning was not good with the coup d'etat of Gustav Eriksson Vasa. There was a second coup d'etat in 1680, when the King Karl XI took absolute power and stated that he no longer needed to listen to the Riksdag. The third coup d'etat was in 1788, by Gustav III. Luckily, a Swedish hero, Johan Jakob Anckarström, put him out of his misery in 1792. Furthermore, Gustav V tried to reach for power in 1914, but failed. At this point it would have been prudent to turn Sweden into a republic, but the opportunity passed by. So why wait until one of these half-wits try to make another coup d'etat?

Fourth, an interesting suggestion surfaced a couple of months ago, claiming that there was no need to replace the King with a President, simply because Sweden actually operates rather good without a functioning head of state. The little what is left of power, instigated in the monarchy, could easily be transfered to the Prime Minister and the Speaker of the Riksdag.

Why wait? Do it now? Abolish this inferior ruling system now?

The Dangers of Pub Life

2010-03-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

Experience taught Ridfrek that mooning in a pub during dart competition was a very bad idea indeed. Already Pavlov taught us that sensitive beings may have their behaviour altered by using rather easy mechanisms.

Horseshoe Crab

2010-03-09T06:32:00.000-08:00

The horseshoe crab is an ancient speicies that exist in four main forms. It can be traced as far back as Devonic or Ordovician time periods. It may be called a crab or crustacean, but in reality it is more closely related to spiders and scorpions. The photo above show the form of horseshoe crab that may be found in the Gulf of Mexico.

Above there is a drawing showing the horseshoe crab seen from above and below. It has five pairs of legs (each one equipped with a pincer) and the tail is not dangerous, but provides the creature with something close to a rudder. The horseshoe crab uses it to turn over if it finds itself on the wrong side. The male horseshoe crab is about 2/3 of the size of the female. This creature is one of the oldest living on the planet.

The Case of the Horseshoe Crab

2010-02-28T23:14:00.000-08:00

Finally, after waiting almost five years I managed to eat the infamous Horseshoe Crab. To my understanding it is the last remaining of it type of species. A relique from ancient times millions of years ago.

I ordered the Horseshoe Crab from a somewhat sceptic waitress. She looked deep into my eyes and asked:

- Are you really sure you want this? It is very spicy?

- Oh yes, I really want this dish. Actually I've been waiting a long time for it!

The waitress went away, and I must admit that I felt very excited as we waited for this culinaric sensation to be served. My dear wife who is a little bit more reluctant towards strange culinaric sensations choose another dish.

At last, waiting for about 40 minutes the Seahorse Restaurant on Koh Samet, Thailand, had the long awaited dish served. The Horseshoe Crab came in lying on its back filled with spices and a lot of stuff that was difficult identify.

Then the consumption of the Horsehoe Crab started. It was spicy alright. Hard-core chili and coriander. The Horsehoe Crab itself consisted of small circular quinoa-like balls, sometimes within some meatlike stuff. Despite the spices, this delicacy turned out to be a dissappointment, for more than one reason. First, it was rather tasteless. Second, the following night I spent in the lavatory. Third, It felt funny for three days after. My conclusion is that this was my one and only Horseshoe Crab.

Not that I hold it against the restaurant, but I should have noticed that Horseshoe Crabs are a sort of showcase for these restaurants, rarely bought and consumed.

Therefore there is a high possibility that the Horseshoe Crab investigated here, had been lying around for a couple of days or so. Ergo: My own fault.

Relaxing on Koh Samet

2010-02-24T04:25:00.000-08:00

Since a couple of days I and my wife have been experiencing the nice and warm weather on the island of Koh Samet, Thailand. As we left Arlanda, Sweden, we experienced minus 13 degrees and a freezing blizzard. We were using our last strength as we managed to got to Terminal 5 and up and away to some hours later land in Bangkok, Thailand.

To us it seems like a miracle to exchange this horrible excuse for a weather against warmth and sunshine and nice food like fried rice and prawns, or a very nice and spicy Som Tam. Also we seen a lot of exotic birds, like 7 or 8 Hornbills and a lot of what seems to be some kind of Oriole or Beostare. I'll be back on that one later.

Later in the week I plan to eat rare and ancient Horseshoe Crab. Exciting...

Ridfrek Comes Out of the Garden

2010-02-12T05:03:00.000-08:00

One day Ridfrek had had it. The Wisperer had been goin' on for days about the world outside the garden and finally Ridfrek got fed up and opened the gate and curiously peeped out on the world outside. It was huge... it was in fact enormous... Ridfrek got frightened and cloosed the gate fast. Immediately he heard the wispering voice of the Wisperer:

"- That wasn't so hard, was it?"

Ridfrek peered out again. Suddenly somebody was standing in front of him. The stranger standing in front of him had a similar hat as he had. The stranger also had a beard and the clothing seemed similar to Ridfrek's.

"- Who are you?" Ridfrek asked after a long silence...

"- Who am I? You seriously claim that you don't know my name?" said the stranger.

Ridfrek was puzzled. The stranger actually answered a question with another question. Ridfrek was unaccustomed with this, cause all he knew was his often pointless conversations with the Wisperer. The Wisperer who never answered anything directly and always spoke in riddles. After a while Ridfrek had managed to formulate another question.

"- Yes, that what I asked you! Who are you?" he said emphatically.

"- Who am I? Outrageous, the man is an imbecile!" the stranger concluded and turned arround and went away. Ridfrek didn't understand anything at first. But after a while he realised that he had had his first encounter with another person and it somehow had failed. He had almost made contact...

The Garden and Beyond

2010-02-01T02:50:00.000-08:00

One day the Wisperer told Ridfrek that there was a world beyond the Garden. Ridfrek was very surprised as the thought had never occurred to him. He lived in the illusion that the universe was the Garden and nothing more. The new information was very tough to dissolve and Ridfrek had to consider it for weeks, even months. Of course, it is a tough one; You live in the illusion that your life is lived in a confined space, when suddenly someone tells you that there is more... much more! Ridfrek got totally lost, he couldn't even imagine the universe outside the Garden. In the end the Wisperer got fed up with Ridfrek and his indecisiveness.
"- Ridfrek, the Wisperer wispered, you have to go outside the Garden in order to find out what it's like there. You cannot imagine or speculate upon something which you have no experience of. It's pointless!"
Ridfrek was puzzled. How should he act? The Wisperer got fed up once again and told to try and look beyond the fence which was incirceling the Garden. Ridfrek had never thought of that, cause he had thought that the stuff he could see beyond the Garden was just like the things you see in a theater, like a sid-scene or some kind of front. Not that he knew what that was, but that's how he perceived it. There seemed to be many options of what to do, but as Ridfrek had a conservative mind, he disliked change and tried to avoid it as long as possible.

The Most Well-dressed Party Chairman?

2010-01-31T00:50:00.000-08:00

In the Swedish daily newspaper Svenska Dagbladet, today Sunday 31 January, it is claimed that the most welldressed Swedish political party leader is the rightwing party, the Moderates, leader Fredrik Reinfeldt.

It is an amazing choice and this newspaper and its readers is haunted by a phenomena which is known as selective perception. If you are promoting an aggressive and biased political agenda, you simply pick an choose. You select all the nice parts and take away all the nasty or unpleasant ones.

For instance, if you are an arrogant bastard, you're described as someone who knows what he wants, while your opponent, that is obviously less arrogant, is described as not knowing what he or she wants or lacking the ability to express clear views of their own opinions.

Michel Foucault once presented this as a way of controlling the discourse, and if it is used frequently enough the goal is to miscredit your opponent so that nothing they do or say are really being noticed.

The person who has no real arguments or opinions of how to solve problems, even imaginary ones, annd furthermore dresses improperly is surely not worth listening to. But then again, arguments like that always threatens to fall back on those who use them, doesn't they?

Turning back to the actual clothing, it also tend to fall back on you, doesn't it? Fredrik Reinfeldt went to China annd succeeded to wear clothes that does not seem to express sensitivity for the dress code as such. Comparing the Prime Minister with his hosts reveals a slight discrepancy...

Most well-dressed political party leader? I wonder where they got that idea?

Sources: Svenska Dagbladet (2008) Reinfeldts klädsel en tydlig signal (12 april 2008); Wikiquote (2010).

Out of the Limelight

2010-01-21T10:00:00.000-08:00

Once there was a politician who always had an opinion on everything. He didn't care if he didn't know a thing about the issues he addressed. He made a lot of changes and the most was for the worse. The state of things didn't improve. He was convinced that he did the right things himself, as he had a hunch that it was the right thing to do. Nobody else knew why... if he heard voices or what it was...

He missed one important thing though; he was not elected for post he held, but appointed by his party to a very important position. The voters didn't like what they saw and heard, so in the next election they put him out of office.

As this was a man without any particular qualities, nobody was particularly interested in employing him. The state of things got worse as he, in his days of office had managed to take away the possibility for uneducated and untalented people to actually get a job. Therefore he lived the rest of his days in an old abandoned house, drinking beer and chewing tobacco.

The people in the neighbourhood avoided him, because of his bodily odour. This experience made him bitter and vicious. He became mean to small children and rude to old people. Not that he had been that nice as a politician, but at least he didn't smell... maybe politicians are like fruit, best when they are fresh...

In the Search for a New Leadership

2010-01-17T04:10:00.000-08:00

Swedish politics seems to be at a dead end. First we had Göran Persson and he was an arrogant and rather authoritative leader who used to get things done. Of course he bulldozerd down quite a lot of people in the process. Then we got Fredrik Reinfeldt, who looks like a sad dog and keep out of the media focus as much as possible. He leads a government who does not often engage in debate with the opposition. And when they do, they seem not knowing what they are talking about. The curious thing about this guy is that he is Prime Minister, but still acts as if he was the leader of the opposition. Is this good leadership?

Therefore something new is badly needed. The opposition leader Mona Sahlin does not expose much of the traditional male leadership style. Therefore she is questioned. People seem to expect some kind of Margret Thatcherist transformation on her behalf. What is wanted seems to be more government bashing, which Sahlin seems unwilling to deliver. The Swedish press seems to long for a new and dynamic leadership. That means a male and an Alfa Male, more potent. A lion among politicians.

And we have him here for you. We give you Ridfrek Pearson! A new leader, who present himself as an improved combination of Göran Persson and Fredrik Reinfeldt. He promises a new tough leadership. There will be no more mister Nice Guy. He promises to lift Sweden out of the engulfment of political quicksand and fungible rhetoric that it has been haunted by during the last decades. He will accomplish the impossible, if we would just let him. Stable growth, more money and law and order, we will have it all at the same time, BUT we will have to pay the prize: he will be given full authority and no criticism will be allowed during his first period in office.

He will lead a new political party: the Nice Authority Party. It will be authotitative, but nice! The police will stop the opposing elements in society, using their batons with a great smile on their lips...

Tidings in a remote garden far away

2010-01-14T00:47:00.000-08:00

Ridfrek was bored as he sat on his swing swinging in the garden. It had been a while since he last heard the voice of the Wisperer. Ridfrek thought that the Wisperer and what he said was quite interesting, which was rather natural as nobody else ever spooke to Ridfrek. You could say that his sources of information was rather limited.

The problem with Ridfrek was that his access to others and his environment was confined to this particular garden. He never ever met anybody but this mysterious Wisperer and the visits of the Wisperer was scarce. This was not good for Ridefrek's intellectual development and certainly not for developing a critical and analythical mind. But as he was alone and had almost nobody to talk to, he didn't know about any alternatives. Ridfrek simply belivied in those things the Wisperer told him.

You could argue that the Wisperer developed into some kind of deity in Ridfrek's mind. Not that he knew anything about deities, but he thought that the Wisperer at least knew more than he did. What he didn't realize was the potoential of indoctrination that the Wisperer had by meeting no criticism whatever he wispered.

The Wisperer told Ridfrek that he was an individual - the only individual, and therefore quite unique.

"- Do you mean, said Ridfrek, that I am all alone?" But as usual he got no response. The wispering of the Wisperer was not a dialog, but a series of monologues. This meant that Ridfrek never got any answers on questions he had on the information provided by the Wisperer. If Ridfrek had had a critical thinking he would have put the obvious question to himself.

"- Is these wispers occurring outside of me, or are they just imaginations in my brain?" But as Ridfrek was unfamiliar with the concept of a brain and therefore had no idea of how such an entity operates, he never thought this interesting and intriguing thought. In fact, Ridfrek didn't even know that he was a gnome, as nobody had told him and explained the concept.

In his solitude Ridfrek developed his thoughts about individualism. If you could call them thoughts. He put the information together and developed a primitive model of how the garden probably worked and his place in it. He was often wrong though and then he got very angry and started hitting things in the garden. Therefore the animals and birds living in the garden tried to avoid Ridfrek as much as possible, resulting in him being even more lonely...

A Tale of Small Men and Their Minds

2010-01-09T03:44:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was this little strange character and he was living his life in seclusion in a rather small and confined garden. The problem with this little guy was that he had no one to relate to and therefore his thoughts developed independently and still became quite ordinary and trivial. All because he was not that original in himself. Of course he didn't know this, sitting alone in his garden, only swinging in his swing with an inward smile occasionally on his lips.

Sometimes, though, he wasn't happy at all. He didn't know why. It was just a feeling that something was wrong, but he couldn't put his finger on it... So he went on thinking his thoughts on trivial things in the garden. The thoughts that were roaming through his under-stimulated brain concerned such things as how the leafs were lying on the ground, and that there probably was a way of arranging them in another and better order.

"- Maybe in straight lines!" he thought.

For a time that was okay, just to think about improvement. But as the days dragged on in the garden, he started to become bored just thinking about changing things. One of his, not so very unique, thoughts was that he didn't want to perform the practical side of this change, as that would take away parts of the quality time he spent swinging in his beloved swing.

"- Somebody else has to do the dirty work!" he thought. But he couldn't think of anyone as he was alone in the garden.

"- There has to be someone else !" he thought. "And I wonder where that character might be?"

And there he kept thinking his thoughts of trivia and accomplished noting, until suddenly one day he heard this strangest of voices.

"- Greetings Ridfrek!" the voice said as quiet as it was hardly possible to hear it at all.

"- Ridfrek, who is that? Who are you?"

"- Ridfrek is the name I just gave you! And I am known as the Wisperer!"

And so Ridfrek was not alone in the garden anymore. Not that this Wisperer existence came very often, but as Ridfrek was all alone he was thirsty for every availble form of company. And so the indoctrination of Ridfrek started.

New Computer Celebration

2010-01-08T14:02:00.000-08:00

This is my first blogg with my new laptop. The old one just gave up. First it was the battery, then it was the sound card and finally the screen. That laptop was almost two years old. It was the last Dell computer I'll ever buy. Luckily it works good enough to strip it of all the files in it, but after that it's just junk.

Before that one I had a Compaq. It worked allright and is still usable, though it is far too slow and rather antique. What I am referring to is quality, something that obviously doesn't apply to the business idea of Dell.

The photo below shows how the screen looks nowadays on my Dell laptop, while the photo above shows how it is supposed to look when a concerned Garden Gnome Guides contemplates over a coal energy plant.

Furthermore, I can say it is quite tricky to work in Photoshop using a screen in this condition. So Dell is out Acer is in...

Mongolian Throat Singing

2010-01-05T05:21:00.000-08:00

Mongolian throat singer drinkning vodka in a ger, close to Kharchoriin, Mongolia.

Surprised I read an article in today's Svenska Dagbladet (Swedish Daily News) and find out that one cultural tradition acknowledged by the United Nation's UNESCO is Mongolian throat singing as a Chinese cultural tradition. I can almost hear what my Mongolian friends would say about that.

Of course Mongolian throat singing does not only occur in the Mongolian Republic, but also in Tuv (in Russia, formerly annexed during the Soviet era) and in Inner Mongolia ( a province of the People's Republic of China). You could always discuss if it is the practice of the tradition in itself that is important to have as a cultural tradition internationally acknowledged or if it should be attached to a specific country.

Nevertheless Mongolians are extremely proud of their cultural heritage, of which the throat singning is an important part. Here below is a translation of the text of what Mongolians call a long song:

"... with wide open landscape

with beautiful long song

with horse fiddle sound

it's native land of Mongolia

with pearly white gers

with five precious treasures

with five kinds of livestock

it's the steppe of Mongolia."

Note: I am not quite sure if the Buryat people, in Russia, north of Mongolia, by the Baykhal Lake, practice throat singing. But it is possible.

Post New Year Trauma 2010

2010-01-03T03:19:00.000-08:00

The New Year 2010 started in the largest and worst gnome hang-over ever. There has been news silence for almost three days and we have to re-collect the tidings from New Years Eve in order to re-construct the events. We use a variant of the Foucauldian archeological method (which stipulates that by examening the garbage from a restaurant you can re-construct the events of last night), but as we have no access to the premises we have to constrict ourselves to the alley in the back of the Gnomeline Studio.

Appearently the staff and guests at Gnomevision did not like that Gnomeline seemingly had more interesting guests and was throwing a better party. They started plotting and in the midst of the night they decided to attack the Gnomeline Studio. The attack was sudden and the party at Gnomeline was not prepared for an attack, but slightly off guard as everybody was partying. Nobody had thought about hiring professional security gnomes, when the ordinary staff was indisposed.

Of course it all started when Professor Anthrax, the old brute, walked into the Gnomline Studio and teared down a camera and severly hit a studio-gnome. Professor Svinhufvud reacted instantly and attacked Anthrax, aggresively using a spade and a hammer. At this moment Associate Professor Duodenum attacked Svinhufvud from behind, using a baseball bat he stole from the Bat-Biker Gnome, whoo was lying unconscious on the studio floor.

In a matter of minutes it was impossible to see anything, you just saw a see of blueish and redish gnome hats, moving from one side to the other... and you heard strange sounds... How do we now this? I must admit... we cheated... we found a mobile phone in a dustbin outside the studio and it had a three minutes recording. The garbage proved to be inconclusive evidence in this particular case. But I must point out that without this method we would not have found the phone...

Napoleon Bonaparte once described the battles of his age as something you could plan in advance, but after the fighting started it became impossible to see anything thanks to the gun-powder smoke. You just had to wish for the best. Napoleon, though, always used to dispatch a messenger to Paris before the battle was finished, which told the French people that their First Consule already won the battle. It seemed to have worked quite good until the battle of Waterloo.

This premature reporting of winning the battle of the Gnomeline Studio is not an option here it seems. For more then three days we heard nothing. Ah wait... one rumour has come to our attention. It seems like somebody did a Mike Tyson on Assistant Professor Puke Womit. It is said that afterwards the ear was stolen... The whole story is strange and debated all over the place. Gnomes and dwarves don't like to loose bodyparts, which can be used in malign practices of evil existences. Tomorrow we will return with more updated news... Until then, as they say in Mongolia, Bayartai...

Note: In the same dustbin we strangely enough found a CD-recording and on it was Smoke Gets In Your Eyes with the Flat Gnomes. We can't make anything intelligble out it and conclude the event as purely randome...

Gnomevision New Year's Party 2009/2010

2009-12-31T10:36:00.000-08:00

- Happy Happy New Year!!! Gnomevision greet you all viewers! In the studio tonight we have Associate Professor Stareling Duodenum, Professor Victor G. Antrax, the Duracell Gnoma and many, many others. I am your host tonight and Bluegnome is my name. How was your year Duracell Gnoma?

- It was a mess! Just terrible! Everybody misunderstood everyhting I said! It was as I was speaking an unintelligble language, long since exterminated or abandoned...

- How was your year Assiociate Professor Duodenum?

- Work, work and no fun! But it ended allright as I and my associates managed to stop that imbecille Svinhufvud before it was too late!

- And how was your year Professor Anthrax?

- I could have done much much more, but I was delayed by natural disasters in the Taklamakan Desert! With me around that Manifesto would never have been spread in the broadcasted media!

- By those little glimpses of good deads in the struggle for a fullblown existence in the year 2009 we leave you for now and will hopefully return to you next year!!! Happy Happy New Year!!!

Gnomeline's New Year's Celebration 2009/2010

2009-12-31T07:38:00.000-08:00

- Dear viewers, very welcome to the Gnomeline’s New Year’s Celebration. We have a great show tonight, to celebrate the New Year and remember the old one that has passed by. We have a lot of guests, as the Garden Gnome Guide, the Rabid Feminist Gnoma, the Lawn Mover Gnome, the Bat-Biker Gnome, Professor Svinhufvud, Associate Professor Puke Womit, liberated pigs and piglets, flying pigs and levitating gnomes and many, many more. And I who is your host this evening is Gnoma Interrogata. First we will turn to the year just passed by. What does the Garden Gnome Guide remember as being the best?
- Well of course the successful campaign in the end of the year, but also the difficult remaking of a bathroom. Two difficult tasks, accomplished by using different sets of skills. The latter both theoretical, analytical and practical, while the former requiring both workman skills and knowhow.
- We turn to the Rabid Feminist Gnoma – What do you remember best from this year?
- A lot of bad politics, not to say anti-feminist policies implemented by those loosers running contemporary Gnome Affairs. All the good stuff came at the end with the defeat of the PATALAP and that all those cute piglets that was liberated. It’s a pity though that darned Anthrax came back. They should have kept him in the Taklamakan desert! Forever! But I bet they couldn’t stand him there either!
- What do you think Professor Svinhufvud?
- Yeah it was a tough year, but it seemed to go okay at the end, but then those buggers returned and succeeded in taking away our complete victory. I was so close!!! Think of it! A world only populated by dwarves and gnomes. Very efficient! What a dream! It just has to come true before it is too late...
- The party is going to go on here until late tonight... but for now A Very Happy New Year in the Sign of Shortness...

Gnomevision Softtalk with the Bluegnome

2009-12-30T08:43:00.000-08:00

- Dear viewers today we have an interview with the distinguished Assistant Professor Stareling Duodenum for You. Good day to you Assistant Professor Duodenum.
- I am very pleased to be here.
- Yesterday there were a lot of things happening. First Professor Svinhufvud and Associate Professor Puke Womit got their research funds suspended for the time being and second, Professor Svinhufvud accused you and Professor Anthrax for being frauds and not capable of scientific research, and finally he claimed that you were incapable of understanding his theory. How do respond to these grave accusations?
- You actually forgot that Svinhufvud accused me for not being objective, but in fact a lackey of the government.
- How do you respond to this?
- First, I must say that I am impressed of how he twists my arguments around, but the truth is that I was right in the first place. He can’t come around the fact that the Manifesto of Shortness aims at discriminate people of normal length and above. If I should go into this argument in further detail, Vilfredo Pareto claimed that a change in policy should be undertaken if no one was worse off. Clearly Svinhufvud’s Manifesto does not fulfil the stipulations for Pareto-efficiency, and should not be enforced.
- But he also claimed that the changes wasn’t his doing but in fact already undertaken as an unforeseen consequence of the functions of our modern society. How do you respond to that?
- That’s just smokescreens, he tries to avoid responsibility of his claims, that are clearly undemocratic and authoritarian, by claiming that they are already a fact, caused by others. How cheap can you get? How shallow can you allow your arguments to become?
- To an uncritical viewer it may seem that all this is about concerns whether short people should lengthen their arms and legs, or if longer people should shorten theirs. How would you respond to that?
- Nothing could be more wrong! Svinhufvud’s Manifesto actually says explicitly that so called “overgrowns” should not be allowed to reproduce themselves. That’s so close to Nazism that Adolf Hitler would have blush as a school boy if had heard such a suggestion!
- You actually compare Professor Svinhufvud with Adolf Hitler?
- May be Pol Pot would be more accurate, as he aims at his own fellow countrymen!
- We thank Assistant Professor Duodenum for this enlightening interview. Good evening to ye’ all!

Gnomeline Investigates Public Affairs

2009-12-29T08:02:00.000-08:00

- We have today a report that the distinguished Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud and Associate Professor Puke Womit has been suspended and will not be granted any research funding until the suspension is lifted. We have with us here in the studio Professor Svinhufvud. What is your response to this unexpected development?
- Ah, what can you say? That Duodenum is nothing but a con man. He and Anthrax are simply paid by the government to keep the existing order and prevent any form of change. There is nothing of scientific value in what they say… It is just an violent and unjustified attack an me and associates as persons.
- He had a rather elaborated argumentation against you and the Manifesto of Shortness. What is your response?
- Well, it is not easy because the fellow talks sort of silent and pronounce a lot of words incorrectly. But as I recollect it, he said that the idea of decreasing people’s body length would improve life for a greater amount. First, i deny that because that imbecile doesn’t understand anything. We intend to actually decrease the population in quantitative terms also. There will be fewer people who also are smaller, which will decrease human impact on the planetary resources. Second, he can’t see the whole picture, in fact he is incapable of conducting any kind of holistic analysis, which is what I do. Therefore he doesn’t understand that humanity already is involved in a process that is going to change living conditions and circumscribe the possible amount of people living on the planet.
- But what about these accusations of your methods of enforcing the manifesto, wouldn’t that include authoritarian rule, or even totalitarian?
- People with limited intelligence, as Duodenom and Anthrax, does not understand that this process already has been started! And I didn't start it!
- Has it? Who started it?
- That’s easy to explain! It was of course the overgrowners as they started to industrialize and pollute the whole planet. In particular in recent time certain plastic compounds has been spread in nature and the environment, which the human body identifies as female hormones and these hormones decrease the build up of male hormones in males. This lowers the fertility rate and decrease the amount of newly born infants. It is just a matter of wait and see.
- I’ve never heard of this, is it really true?
- Of course it is. In the mid-90s the Danes found semen collected in 1965, stored away and forgotten. The Danes replicated the study on semen taken from Dane males in 1995, 30 years after and found that fertility had fallen with 50 percent in 30 years time, thanks to plastics spread in the environment. So what Anthrax and Duodenum reads into the Manifesto of Shortness is simply incorrect. I and my associates will do nothing to enforce any form of authoritarian or totalitarian rule. The development that comes from modernization and urban development will do the trick with or without my participation.
- But then why the Manifesto?
- It is simply a way of correcting the orientation of society…
- We hereby thank Professor Svinhufvud and I can tell you, dear viewers that the channel who spread this pack of lies has been reported to the Broadcasting Control Board, who will investigate the matter further…

Gnomevision Analyze Society

2009-12-28T07:06:00.000-08:00

- Good day to all of you dear viewers. Today we have with the uttermost distinguished Professor Victor G. Anthrax’s prominent assistant Professor Stareling Duodenum, who has volunteered to participate in this analysis of the disputed Professor Svinhufvud’s senseless claims in his Manifesto of Shortness. Welcome to our channel Assistant Professor and distinguished Scholar Esq. Stareling Duodenum.
- I am very thrilled to be invited to the best of the best of gnome channels, the Gnomevision!
- We are so pleased to welcome you. What is your opinion of the Manifesto of Shortness?
- It is my pleasure to give you an overall analysis of the contents of the Manifesto tells us that we’re dealing with a deranged person here. These thoughts, if you should call them that, paints us a picture of a mind in utter decay.
- Oh, these are harsh words! Is it really that bad?
- The person who put the Manifesto together lives in a fantasy world and have very little of connection to the real world, where all the rest of us live and prosper.
- In what sense is he out of touch with reality?
- He or rather he and his co-workers have an idea of shorter or rather minor people, in size, use less of resources, and therefore it would improve living conditions all over the planet if people just were smaller. The conclusions are that smaller people, the more amounts of resources for all.
- That sounds logical to me…
- The idea has some logic in it, but, and there is a big BUT – let me give you an example: In the eleventh Century the agricultural technology to harvest and grove rice was improved in Song Dynasty China. This made it possible to have three rice harvests per year instead of just two. The result, however, was not improved living conditions for all, as the population increased from little more than 100 million to almost 200 million. Reasoning in analogy with this we can assume that a painful change of everybody’s body size, just will increase the population and actually decrease everybody’s perceived wealth. I can show you statistical evidence that this is a common truth in lots of areas of human and gnome societies. The last edition of Gnomostatistics 2008 tells us that it might even be worse in gnomic societies.
- That sort of shatters the whole line of reasoning in the Manifesto, doesn’t it?
- It most certainly do! But there is more. Sociologically speaking, the changes of society that is proposed in the Manifesto is well-known in human history and social development. You see these changes every time someone wins a war and conquer some piece of territory and tries to assimilate the population living there. For example, as the Ottoman Turks conquered Constantinople in 1453, they enforced a type of rule in the Empire that meant that Muslims had a lower tax rate and easier access to higher education and could less effortly make a career in the bureaucracy of the Ottoman Empire. Of course people who wanted to become wealthy, prosperous and important in Ottoman society thus converted and became Muslims. This was a rather benevolent change of society, but if you compare it with the social changes of Nazi Germany, Fascist Italy and Spain, the Soviet Union and Pol Pot´s Campuchea, it may be done in a less humane way. And in all the above examples the aim was the minds of people which was the target. Svinhufvud’s Manifesto aims at changing their bodies and reproduction capacity. Therefore this is actually worse than anything we have seen yet.
- Oh that sounds nasty! Sinister guy this Svinhufvud fellow, isn’t he?
- It gets worse! On a philosophical level we have one important issue here – and that is the right we have to change the lives of people against their will. Assume we have a very small and confined village, isolated from the rest of the world. The people who live here are relatively homogenic considering their norms and values. They decide to live in an environmentally sound and sustainable manner. Everybody has to transform their lives according to these standards. There is nothing wrong with this as long as the village council has the consent of everybody, and if somebody is in opposition have to possibility to move away, or influence the political order and rules of the village. This is difficult enough in a small village with people that think and act in the same manner, but if you increase the size of the community and make slightly more heterogenic, then it will be much more difficult to uphold justice and equality.
- I see, and your point is?
- This operation of Svinhufvud is an attempt to shape and construct an utopian society. The ones who are going to impose their values upon others is supposedly smaller or shorter people. But what if just one of these smaller existences wants be bigger and longer? After all the knowledge of how to do that is well-known nowadays! Should we deny this one individual this opportunity? Do we have the right to do so? Svinhufvud obviously don’t see any problem here and he just want to correct one mistreatment with exchanging it with another…
- What is your suggestion?
- We can’t afford to listen to deranged people like Svinhufvud anymore! Just because he shortened his arms legs and achieved a better life doesn’t mean that the rest of the world would be happy using the same method! Or to paraphrase William Shakespeare, from Hamlet as Polonius is listening to the rage of the Prince: “Surely this is madness, but yet there is method in it!”
- We hereby thank Assistant Professor Stareling Duodenum and turn to this evenings News…

Gnomeline Extra News

2009-12-27T10:09:00.000-08:00

- Today we have here with us in the Gnomeline Studio, the distinguished Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud. Welcome Professor Svinhufvud.
- I’m very pleased to be welcomed! In some studios I’m not so welcome…
- What do you mean?
- I tried yesterday to get a reply to that dreadful charlatan Anthrax, but this newly started channel turned me down and claimed that it was put in dispute if I am a professor or not. I put my best associates on to it and it turns out that this channel is sponsored by Anthrax and two companies he usually work for – in other words, sheer corruption.
- So that channel, which name we won’t mention, is not run according to the ethics and morals of broadcasted media?
- The content of what they broadcast have the same news-value as a commercial promoting the sales of neatly packaged cocaine.
- That seems as a harsh evaluation of a channel that only has been operating for two days. And yesterday that channel and this one were shut-down because of the celebration of the Gnome New Year…
- Well I and Anthrax go years back. He has the moral of an alcoholic locked into a liqueur store…
- He criticised you and your Manifesto of Shortness rather forcefully on X-mas day, didn’t he?
- That fool! He does this all the time! I present something and he present the opposite! I prefer shortness and he prefer length… A couple of years ago I presented a theory of how gnomes reproduce themselves. Of course my theory claimed that gnomes reproduce sexually. They simply have sex, get pregnant and give birth to baby gnomes. I did some terrific field work back in those days and managed to catch some gnomes in the act, which actually proved my point. But what did this charlatan Professor Victor G. Anthrax do?
- Please enlighten us?
- He presented another theory, taken right out of the blue, claiming that gnomes were a sort of mushrooms or fungi, who reproduce like in yeast fungus gemmation. He thereby suggests an asexual reproduction cycle, which is in total contradiction with my theory. Back in those days he had a slimy handy-man who actually faked some photos that were supposed to show a gnome gemmating its offspring. Ridiculous in my view!
- So everything he does is fake and fraud?
- Oh yes, he can’t spell words like honour, truth, probability and proper use of statistics. What he tries to do now is to take away the victory we achieved in our struggle last week. He is actually selling out all the real interests of small people and hoping to be gratified by the authorities.
- Is he that bad?
- In fact, he is worse! Just look at the screen on your right and you will se a film taken by a Wallraffing journalist as Anthrax hunted polar bears in the Arctic. He shot baby polar bears just to get the furs and sold them to some obscure rich people in Eastern Asia. For the money he launched a sinister campaign against the civil rights of extremely small people. His aim was to take away every human right for people shorter than 75 centimetres. He is truly a nasty piece of work. Look on your left, there you have the Garden Gnome Guide with one the pigs that were rescued during the pig liberation this year, and you don't want to know what Anthrax did to that little piglets mother... I have difficulties to go to sleep when I think about it...

- What happened?

- Nasty experiments with cosmetics... I will say no more!

- Please!!!

- I cannot, but I can tell you that I even heard rumours that he sold his own mother for clinical research when he was a student…
- We thank our eminent Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud for sharing these facts with us and turn to other news this evening…

Gnomevision's Opening Night

2009-12-25T10:02:00.000-08:00

- We had a thought that broadcasting of Gnome News was a little bit too one-sided and therefore we designed an alternative. Where we can present another side of how we may view the World and important events: Today we proudly present a brand new Broadcasting Channel – Gnomevision in cooperation with Nano-Surgeons International, World Association of Medical Suppliers and Televised Agression Media. I am Bluegnome Polite and I’ll be your News anchor, guiding you through the jungle of global nano-news. With me today in the studio I have Victor G. Anthrax, who has joined us after a long journey in the Taklamakan Desert, on the brink of Outer Mongolia. But now you’re back. What is your plans for the near future?
- Now I’m most certainly back! Be sure about that! To quote Richard Milhouse Nixon: "Let there be no doubt about it!"

- Why have you decided to return now?

- It has come to my attention that this obscure diletant Professor Svinhufvud has tried to impose his imbecile Manifesto of Shortness upon decent people. I’ve returned to put an end to that kind of nonsense once and for all.
- I’m not sure what you mean… I thought the government was going to integrate the Manifesto into its ordinary day to day policy!
- Bah, over my dead and decomposed body. This Svinhufvud character, he has, as usual, got it all wrong. Short people should not accept their shortness and try to impose it on others. Quite the contrary – short people should try and become bigger and reach the same height andbody length as ordinary people. No one has ever succeeded in imposing their will upon someone bigger.
- But the resent events with those gnome combat groups defeating the whole PATALAP Force, wasn’t that proof of small creatures actually defeating taller ones?
- Sheer luck! Wouldn’t happen in a million years if you ask me. Very low probability! No smaller beings has to take growth hormones and undergo surgical alteration of their legs and arms. Look at China – there is a whole industry of body-lengthening there. Thousands of Chinese every year increase the length of their arms and legs. I wouldn’t be the least surprised if we have a World Champion Basket Ball Team in a couple of years or so… And that Svinhufvud character, he is not just a dwarf in appearance, he is also a midget inside his head. A small man thinking small thoughts! In fact, everything about the guy is smallish and insignificant!
- So there nothing in his claims for equal rights for shorter people?
- You have obviously not been listening to what he says and what is in that Manifesto of his! Its Animal Farm all over again, but now our societies will be ruled from gardens and woodlands instead, by beings that are not even registered as citizens. Sheer folly, if you ask me!
- And what do you suggest?
- We can’t accept somebody trying to impose their will and follies upon us, we must say no, we must resist and we must fight them vigorously! We will start with arguing against their follies, we will continue to resist the implementation of their foolish legislation and we will, finally fight them with all the physical strength we have!
- We thank Professor Anthrax for sharing his thoughts and recommendations with us and turn over to other news…

Gnomeline News Flash - X-mas Eve

2009-12-24T04:50:00.000-08:00

- Good day to you all and a Merry Merry X-mas, especially for all you smallish creatures. This night there was a tremendous development in the continuing struggle for pig liberation and advance of the interests of short people and creatures. On the screen on my left you see the build up just before the gnome forces join the pigs, the dwarves and the rest of the volunteers. On the screen of my right you see the PATALAP forces right after their humiliating defeat. They are put right in front of the Alfred Satire Gnome, who tell them what to do. As we see they are no longer in their uniforms and attack equipment, but naked... With us tonight is the hero of the day – the Garden Gnome Guide – how would you describe the events that led to this unexpected victory?
- Well I don’t think it was unexpected, I rather expected exactly this development all the time. You could actually say that it was inevitable.
- But how did you manage to do it?
- Well, lets say it was a variation of the same strategy that the famous strategist Sun Bin used in the battle of Ma-ling in 352 B.C. Sun Bin and the Qi forces faked their hasty retreat, and behind them they left a sign on a tree. It was dark and as the Wei forces reached the tree they lit a fire to see better what the sign said and that is when the Qi archers fire their bows. We did the same. Left the city hasty and left a sign in small letters on a wall. We did put in some mis-spellings knowing that in the PATALAP forces there are quite a few people with great control needs. So they tried to figure out what the sign said when pulled the plug on them...
- Pulled the plug???
- Well, in a figure of speak, we had laid out a big net that was ignited by the flash of a certain amount of light. We got them all and the result you see on the screen there on the right.
- Spectacular, isn’t it? What happens now?
- All the pigs in the land will be liberated of course and the government will have to deal with the Manifesto of Shortness... I think that will do for a start... then of course we will have a look upon climate change, corruption and illegal trade. In the end I see a world pretty much looking like a fine garden...
- With lots of gnomes...
- With lots of gnomes...

Gnomeline Analysis - X-mas just one day away

2009-12-23T04:37:00.000-08:00

- Good morning dear viewers, and especially all you small creatures worrying about the recent development of events. This very mornin’ we’re reached by the terrible news that no less than 12 million piglets has been castrated without using of any form of painkiller or analgesics. What you say about that Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud?
- It is simply terrible! But what to expect? The arrogance and ingnomity of overgrowns… They simply don’t have it within them… compassion, humanity, empathy… It is sad really, but they don’t know better…
- With us downtown we have the Lawn Mover Gnome, reporting live from a super market! How are things downtown now?
- Well the place is actually deserted and you only see a few overgrowns, quite disorientated actually… some gnome and pig patrols... the PATALAP, it is spread as a rumour, are building up their forces outside the city and they will, says this rumour, return to the city during the night and cleanse it from, what they perceive as, all forms of smallish illegal resistance. This super market is totally empty and you can't see a living soul anywhere. There is only one day to X-mas Eve and still no people dare go out shopping… I say the campaign is successful, but still you don't hear a thing on the mainstream media, which just seem to ignore the events or explain them as accidents or the deeds of misguided youngsters. One of their problem with the last explanation is that those younsters would be approximately two or three years old according to their body length...
- We thank the Lawn Mover Gnome for that live report. What is your response to that Professor?
- What could you say? To deny or ignore are well-known psychological defense mechanisms, frequently used by overgrowners... I talked to the Garden Gnome Guide just an hour ago and he said that he has planned for this a long time now and it seems that everything is going his way at the moment. It seemed to me that he has something going for ‘im… I don’t know what it is, but I think we’ll know in a day or two…
- Thank you Professor! With us here today is also the Arrogant and Patronizing Gnome, who has deep insights in how overgrowners think and act.
- Good day to you! I am very glad and joyful to have the opportunity to be here! As I adopted the facial appearance of an overgrown politician I’ve spent some time trying to figure out what his motives and driving forces are. I think that arrogance, envy and greed are big motivators. Lack of empathy is also important in his behavioural arsenal. To my understanding, to act and live like this character means that you don’t listen to others and when you finally do, you claim that they didn’t understand what you said or the inner meaning of your acts.
- Sounds intriguing and overgrowners actually elect such people?
- Oh yes, they sort of disregard the meaning of what is said, but just think that it sounds okay.
- That explains a lot I think… could you give us an example of how such a political leader acts and express himself?
- Certainly… What we have seen here during the last couple of days, is nothing less then the uncivilized acts and doings of the opposition. This is what they offer you: Chaos and the claim that it is caused by ravaging gnomes, dwarves, wild boars and pigs. This is not true! It is the opposition that cause all this. And this is how it is going to be if you don’t re-elect me. Order, that is me – chaos, that’s all the others – the choice is simple, and it is up to YOU!
- We thank the Arrogant and Patronizing Gnome for that… and tomorrow you’ll watch us again!!!

Gnomeline Neo-News Studio Presents - X-mas just 2 days away

2009-12-22T09:45:00.000-08:00

We bring you tidings dear viewers that the Gnomeline Studio has been rebuilt! The fighting is steaming up and the Joint Gnome, Dwarf, Pigs and Wild Boar Forces (JGDPWBF) are ready to strike at the heart of PATALAP. Or as the Garden Gnome Guide once said:
- People tend to think that gnomes are rather harmless and friendly creatures, but I can tell you for sure that gnomes are quite in for the thing called revenge. If you do something a gnome doesn’t like he or she will eventually get back on you. You might think that it is an accident that the infamous potato-bug ate all your potatoes, but left your neighbour’s un-touched. But your just foolin’ yourself. You’re the victim of a gnome! A gnome with a grudge!

Gnoma Interrogata: - And now over to something completely different! We have now been told that the nature pic of this year is a wolf that jumps over a fence. However, the photographer cheated and used a tame wolf. But Gnomeline proudly presents, in co-operation with Dwarf Vision, our best pic of the year: The Jumping Pig!!! But now we turn to the curent conflict situation! We have with us tonight the Garden Gnome Guide, here with us in the Studio, and downtown Central City, the Bat-Biker Gnome, right in the middle of the heavy fighting between the Joint Smallish Forces and the PATALAP! How is the situation downtown?
- Well it seems that we have brought the X-mas sales to an end and it seems that the PATALAP thinks that they have us cornered! But Gnomee Me are they in for a surprise! We have arranged a pelota just for’em!!!
- Thank you for that report Bat-Biker Gnome! And I turn towards the Garden Guide Gnome: What do you think about the current situation?
- Well, I think they are in for a surprise! It is a question of 'em over stretching! I will explain it for you tomorrow or at least the day after tomorrow… but as for now my lips are sealed…
- Thank you, Garden Guide Gnome, and we are very excited about this new strategy and the tactical developments that we inevitably will follow… Overgrowners just don’t get it do they… they had their moment and now it’s gone… I think they just proved it in Copenhagen… Tomorrow you’ll watch us again!!!

X-mas just 3 days away

2009-12-21T12:53:00.000-08:00

Today Gnomeline's Temporary Studio reports that a joint levitating gnome and flying pig attack just occurred during the X-mas sales in downtown Central City. At the meat market several hundreds of bodies of murdered pigs were confiscated and taken away.

The leader of the combat group, the Bat-Biker Gnome (another one of the Garden Gnome Guide's cousins), made a statement at the spot of the operation in front of the surprised X-mas shoppers:

- These dreadful ungnomish and unpigly acts must be brought to an end! The gnome and pig communities cannot accept this any longer. Those who continue along these dreadful lines of behaviour will be punished. Every gnome, dwarf, pig or wild boar will join on the destruction of gardens and agricultural landscape owned by identified trangressors!

Then the whole combat group left as fast as they had arrived...

X-mas just 4 days away

2009-12-20T03:48:00.000-08:00

Today we are viewing the famous levitating gnomes coming in from the sky. This is a historical photo showing a gnome attack on a certain company in the fast food business. The reason behind the attack is since long forgotten, but we can guess that did something nasty to a smallish person.

From the resistance it is reported that the counter attack is under development. The PATALAP has left Gnomeline News Studio, but the premises were smashed and is now under reconstruction and is expected to reopen tomorrow at noon.

Gnomeline News - X-mas 5 days away

2009-12-19T02:04:00.000-08:00

Attention! Attention! Just this minute the Gnomeline News Studio has been raided by the PATALAP Anti-Terrorist Very Special Gnome Activity Restraining Combat Group (putting together an abreviation do seem pointless here). The PATALAPs came in from the roof during a News broadcast and Gnoma Interrogata was interrupted during her interview with a lot of interesting guests. From the Temporary Headquarteers of the Garden Gnome Guide it is reported that the resistance and immediate counter attack is being prepared. The Garden Gnome Guide says:

- Now there is no more mister Nice Gnome! This means war! We will fight these bastards in every garden, every wood, in the super markets and in the streets! They will regret this! On the spot in the Gnomeline Studio the resisitance is led by Gnoma Interrogata and the Baseball Bat Gnome. I can promise the attackers that will not be a nice X-mas this years. I urge every gnome, dwarf, smallish being, pigs and others who sympathize with our cause to join the Resistance! We will win, but it may take a week or two!!!

X-mas 6 days away

2009-12-18T06:54:00.000-08:00

Today we turn our heads towards pig evolution. Some people might argue that pigs has not evolved during historical times, but nothing could be more wrong. For instance the pig of today is a relative newcomer and its ancestors looked and appeared quite differently. They were certainly not pink, because that's simply not an efficient cloaking device in the wilderness. Rather they were brownish in different patterns and cloaked rather well in any forest or field.

But the Garden Gnome Guide and his team at the Combat Pig Training Camp has succeeded in mutate pigs by using modern DNA-technology and modify the genes of the pigs. These particular pigs on the photo has been altered by using genes from pigeons and suddenly you have the Pigeon Pig. This modification is thought to use in combat against the pig exterminating society. If the PATALAP bring in their terrorist combatting paratroupers they will be countered by the use of flying pigs and levitating gnomes.

The Garden Gnome Guide is at the present preparing the tactics and the strategy to be used by these new armed forces. The Garden Gnome Guide say:

"- ... it is a little bit like when the German strategist Erwin Rommel wrote his famous book Tank in Battle, to use a completely new type of technology and in a new way that your opponents not yet have been thinkin' of. The flying pigs and the levitating gnomes will simply terrify everyone that is exposed to them! Our opponents wrongly assumes that pigs in general are harmless creatures! Nothing could be more wrong! They can be mean, nasty and evil!"

Gnomeline Industrial Affairs - X-mas 7 days away

2009-12-17T05:54:00.000-08:00

- Today we are being visited by the Duracell Gnoma, repsonsible for Gnome Industrial Affairs. Some say even the mismanagement of gnome affairs. With us on a link from their K2 expedition we have the Rabid Feminist Gnoma and the Garden Gnome Guide. God day to you Duracell Gnoma!

- Glad to be here!

- Is it true that half a year ago or so, you said in an interview, that you would never interfere with Gnome Industrial Affairs and waste Gnome money on that, for nothing? asked the Garden Gnome Guide.

- I've never said that!!!

- But we have it here on tape! " I will never waste gnome money on worthless gnome industrial affairs!" a voice is heard saying. Isn't this your voice?

- I've never said that!!!!!!!

- But we can clearly hear you say just that...

- I'VE NEVER SAID THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- I don't think we can get any further on that one! the Gnoma Interrogata concluded.

- Some months ago you had an opportunity for worrisome gnomes to e-mail you, didn't you? asked the Rabid Feminst Gnoma.

- Yes I think it is important to keep a close contact with ordinary gnomes...

- But it wasn't you who answered their e-mails, it was your secretary...

- That is so untrue!!!

- But we asked her and she said that it was she who answered, but that she signed the e-mails with your name, isn't that being false to your fellow gnomes?

- That is so untrue!!!!

- We have her on tape!

- THAT IS SO UNTRUE!!!!!!!!

- I'll think we change the subject there!

- Oink! said Quentin Styantino, the priceless pig.

- What did the pig say? Was it an insult? screamed the Duracell Gnoma angrily, and walked out of the studio...

- Todays action on the pig liberation front is up next. There is a rumour that no less than 321 pigs has been liberated from a pig detention camp this evening...

Gnomeline Economics - X-mas 8 days away

2009-12-16T06:44:00.000-08:00

"- Today we are proud to present an interview with the Greedy Financing Gnome, who will guide us into the mine field of Gnomonomics! Is there really a need for specialised economics just focusing on Gnome Affairs?"

"- Why does everybody tend to mistrust me all the time? Everything I come up with is called bad things!"

"- I know why," said the Garden Gnome Guide, coming in on a link from the K2, "that's 'cause you're a greedy little bugger who would sell your mother if you saw any profite in it!"

"- Just listen to that! I have put up with comments like this all the time!"

"- But isn't it a fact that you're now dwelling in a gnomehole reserved for needing gnome students?" asked the Rabid Feminist Gnoma.

"- Here I have to point out that I was appointed as First Greedy Financing Gnome because of my skills as caretaker of large amounts of precious metals and money! What you call greed I define as economical!"

"- When you were an ordinary mining gnome, how come you didn't pay any taxes?" asked the Garden Gnome Guide.

"- That mine is located in Vorkuta and out of our tax authorities jurisdiction!"

"- When you were trusted with a radio reciever, howcome you didn't pay the radio licence fee for it?"

"- It was an act of civil disobedience!"

"- It's funny," said the rabid Feminist Gnoma, "that you always have an explanation for your misdeeds, your frauds, your lack of tax morals and your lack of feeling of being a part of a community! How would you say you understand the concept of common good?"

"- What kind of a communist question is this?"

"- We only want to know if you yourself feel as a part of something bigger than yourself or if you plainly are a selfish greedy little bugger?" asked the Garden Gnome Guide.

"- Oink!" said Quentin Styantino, the smiling pig.

"- I will tell you that my empathic abilities are great indead," said the Greedy Financing Gnome, "and yesterday I decided to become an indirect vegetarian!"

"- An indirect Vegetarian? What on earth is that?" asked the Gnoma Interrogata.

"- From this day on I will only eat meat from animals who feed on vegetarian food stuffs!"

"- That's just typical!" said the Garden Gnome Guide. "Every time something important comes up you answer to something else and try to twist everything! Is it impossible for you to give a straight answer?"

"- You're not just a selfish greedy little bugger, you're also a damned lier and a discursive acrobat!" said the Rabid Feminst Gnoma.

At this moment, the Selfish Greedy Financing Gnome, stood up on his feet and left the premises waving his guiding light and muttering something about communists and boneheads...

If you should think that the Greedy Financing Gnome looks like some wellknown politician, that is just a coincidence, just as when you dig up a potato and it looks like one of your friends. In gnome society there has been a long-time trend of continuously appearing look-alikes, impersonating some wellknown person or even celebrity... this is just how modern gnomes act, nothing funny about that...

X-mas 9 days away

2009-12-15T06:55:00.000-08:00

Today Gnomeline News visits the Combat Pig Training Camp. Out here we meet the Garden Gnome Guide's cousins, the Bike Gnome and the Lawn Moving Gnome. And look at that pig! That's Hilarius Mudlink, the best pig of the Combat Group. His highjumps are spectacular.

But pigs need more than physical abilities and training in sports. They also have to know about tactics and strategy, as you have to know how to pick your fights. There are several historical wars where one side has managed to win all the battles but the last one, and consequently lost the war.

The Garden Gnome Guide said:

"- Once upon a time Mullah Nasruddin went on a training mission to a monastery in a desert outside a small town. In the monastery the martial arts were practised and soon Nasruddin was the best fighter of all the monks. At that time three robbers made their camp between the monastery and the little town. The monks had to go into town to buy the supplies they didn't produce themselves once a week. Every time a monk went to town to buy the supplies, he was robbed and beaten up. After a couple of weeks the situation in the monastery became impossible and the monks had to get their hands on additional supplies. They met and discussed the situation and they decided to send Mullah Nasruddinm, as he was the most eminent fighter, to deal with the robbers. Later the same evening Nasruddin came back all beaten up and bearely alive. The monks curiously asked how on Earth he couldn't defend himself against the robbers. Mullah Nasruddin then told them that as he was on his way back from town, he was stopped by the robbers and was told to give them his gods. "- What happened?" asked the monks. "-Well, said Nasruddin, as they confronted me I started to make my ceremonials for opening the fight, and then suddenly they were all over me, beaten me like mad men!"

"- From this story it is important to learn, that there is a place and time for everything, while you have to pick them right! Some people just don't abide to rules..."

Gnomeline Analysis - X-mas 10 days away

2009-12-14T05:06:00.000-08:00

- The topic for todays deeploading analysis is the pig in literature and the movies. We have especially invited the Garden Gnome Guide's twin brother, the Book Reading Gnome, to enlighten us on this topic. Pleased to have you with us tonight!

- Thank you very much! I am glad o be invited!

- Now I understand that our picture of the pig isn't just that of those dirty ones moving around in the mud all day. But there is a different picture transferred to us by literature and the movies.

- True, very true! If we begin with the slightly bad picture that is painted or rather written in George Orwell's famous novel Animal Farm. The leading character in that novel is Napoleon, a pig that claims there is nobody who is so equal as the pigs. This has caused a lot of damage and some people actually think that pigs has a tendency towards megalomania!

- But there are good images as well, isn't there?

- Yeah, of course we have the ultimate good pig, presented in the old cartoon Who's afraid of the big Bad Wolf. Of course the lead character pig's younger brothers are not much of heroes, but in fact rather spoiled brats if you ask me, and you did... But the oldest one, he is tremendous. What a character! Builds his house with bricks, even the furniture in the house is made by bricks. Which actually in the end is what defeats the Big Bad Wolf. A tiny detail shows the tragedy of the three brothers. On the wall there is a painting of their mother and beside it there is another one of their father. But while the mother is a healthy sow, the father is a sausage...

- Tragedy in everyday life?

- Yeah, surely, no one knows that as the tormented pig population. But if we dig deeper into the world of literature, in Fjodor Dostojevskij's The Possessed, the novel opens with a citation from the Holy Bible, where Jesus meet a mad man and forces the evil spirit to leave him and forces it into a bunch of pigs, that run over a cliff and dies. What kind of story is that? What did those pig do wrong? I'll tell ye, nothin', they did nothin'!

- Mmmm, sad indeed...

- But there are god ones, where the pigs actually strikes back. Pier Paolo Pasolini made a film where one of the characters falls into a pig sty, and is consumed by the pigs. I honour Pasolini, fine man...

- I'll think we'll leave Pasolini.

- Oh, but there are more examples. Take the Japanese filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki and his wonderful film Porco Rosso, where the main character is a man turned, by magic, into a pig. A flying pig. Fine film and a fine man Miyazaki. Did a lot to improve pig image...

- But how about the Swine Flu, the H1N1?

- That's a really sad story. Probably not even the fault of the pigs. Flues are generally generated when humans, pigs and ducks live to close together. Usually in mainland China. The villain, though, is the duck, not the pig...

- How come?

- Humans and pigs becomes ill, but not the ducks. The virus is transformed inside the duck and spread to the other two... Clearly you see who the perpetrator is...

- We thank the Book Reading Gnome for sharing these deep insights with us and hope for a greater understanding of pigs as living, sensitive and creative beings...

X-mas 11 days away

2009-12-13T03:41:00.000-08:00

The Pig Liberation Campaign goes on. The distinguished Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud was a little bit disturbed by the critizism that claimed that he did not care about the liberation of pig campaign, but actually was operating his own personal agenda. Just promoting his life project to increase life quality for small people and to end the reign of terror by overgrowns. Some claimed that he did not see the greater picture where gnomes actually got rather popular i the eyes of the public, despite the enormous amount of meat-eaters among them. They alright feel sorry for the pigs, but nevertheless eat them gladly. Actually, one of Svinhufvud's upcoming projects is to try and spread islam, judaism and buddhism as all three religions lay restrictions on eating meat... His critics say this is a construction to wash his meat dirty hands, as no one knows what he actually ate during all those years in the mines of Vorkuta.

We don't exactly know the origines of this photo, but it appears to show Svinhufvud and a piglet, and the latter seems very happy to be rescued. The pig seems to like to be held by Svinhufvud. However, analysis of photos are indeed difficult. Remember how the Soviet authorities used to change editions of Soviet schoolbooks from year to year. The people on the photos were eliminated one by one. Finally only Lenin and Stalin remained. Not that I say that there is anything funny about this photo. The piglet's smile may be a genuine one...

I my book you should read and view things in the best of intention, not as the devil reads the Bible - to find and use the eventual loop-holes. And if you develop your distrustful side and start to think the worst of people, there is a great possibility that you end up poisoning your own life.

However, the little Piglet seemed to have no name so Svinhufvud named Styrbjoern after the man who killed his fathers brother, the black sheep of the Svinhufvud family. The name is difficult to translate, but probably means something like a bear who steer, navigate and command a ship. Possible a viking ship or even older.

Gnomeline X-mas 12 days away

2009-12-12T11:19:00.000-08:00

Today the Gnome Combat Group has to compete with media attention with the demonstrations at the Climate meeting in Copenhagen. Operating in the shadow of that mega-event the Combat Group succeeded to liberatie no less than 17 pigs today. The Combat Group was enforced by the Environment Gnome, who gave those guarding the Pig Factory free beers. These beers were prepared with a knock-out drug and the Combat Group took every pig they could get hold of and ran for freedom, as the guards were totally passed out.

On the screen on the left we see the Garden Gnome Guide with the newly liberated prize pig Walter Mbele. On the right screen we see the Environment Gnome with his little bike carrying all the beer. In the studio the Garden Gnome Guides brother, the Garden Gnome Book Reader is agitated when he makes a speach on Gnome strategy.

We salute Walter Mbele and the 16 other liberated pigs and hope they will succeed into a prosperous and free life...

Eagle Hunting in Mongolia

2009-12-12T03:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I found this photo in a newspaper. As it was found in a crossword, there was no indication where and when the photo was taken. The person on the far right seems to be Mongolia's former Prime Minister Sanjagiin Bayar and the person standing right behind him also seem familiar, even though I can't remember his name. Behind the eagle there seems to stand the bird trainer - a Khazakh? The man on the far left is unknown to me.

The eagle might be one I also met i Kharchoriin two years ago as I had the pleasure to hold it with my arm. The eagle stared into my eye and seemed to think: "- And who the hell are you?"

The claw of the eagle was as big as one fully grown man's hand. Furthermore, where is this photo taken? Is it outside Kharchoriin or is it in the Altai Mountain Range? I would be pleased to learn more about it if somone of my readers know anything about, please share your information with me in the comment department.

Source: Svenska Dagbladet 11 December 2009, page 55.

Gnomeline says - X-mas just 13 days away

2009-12-11T07:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterdays newsline presenting Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud made a lot of people, especially long ones, sad, angry and agitated. Today the studio of Gnomeline has received a lot of e-mails, sms's and phone calls from angry wievers. Some says that this was unnecessary and took away the focus from the liberation of the pigs, while others said that Professor Svinhufvud's Manifesto was among the most stupid things they ever heard of. Today this morning we were visited by another professor, the distinguished Professor of experimental psychology Psychee Spineless. And as we have Professor Svinhufvud with us on a link from where he is right now (which is highly confidential):

- Hello Professor Svinhufvud, can you hear me?

- I can hear you, there is no need to scream at me...

- The distinguished professor in experimental psychology Psychee Spineless was with us earlier and put some questions to you. Can you answer or try to answer them?

- First, I don't think that scumbag is especially distinguished and I surely have no clue how he could ever become professor. But then again, what to expect, experimental psychology is just a matter of exchanging the lab-rats with real people. But surely I can answer any question of his, just go ahead.

- Professor Spineless asks: How come you present a Manifesto of Shortness that everyone could see is of great length?

- Bah, what kind of a question is that? But to answer it, the Manifesto is just a reflection of all the bad things overgrowners has been doing against small people since the beginning of time and to shorten the list would do them great injustice...

- This Manifesto sounds to me as bringing nazism back in again, just making the same wrongs to other types of people. Isn't this the problem; You're in fact replacing one injustice with another?

- Bah, is that all you can come up with? In fact this is an attempt to develop the human race. Our intention is to replace bad and wasteful policies with good and forwardlooking ones. A world ruled by smaller people will be more environmentally friendly, more resourceful and more efficient.

- What happened to the campaign to set the threatened pig population free? It seems like you actually destroyed that operation with your senseless initiative?

- Bah, you can't make an omelette without cracking eggs! Sometimes you have to take chances to achieve the greater good. That is inevitable! No wonder why his name is Spineless... God day to you... I am getting bored...

We thank Professor Svinhufvud for this interview and turn to other news.

Today no less than 54 pigs were liberated in a military operation led by the Garden Gnome Guide. This is the most sucessful operation since the pig liberation campaign started two weeks ago. There has been talk about promoting the Garden Gnome Guide to Chief Strategist of the Joint Gnome Forces...

Gnomeline Extra X-mas 14 days away

2009-12-10T07:13:00.000-08:00

The artificial dwarf and the eminent Professor in Nanology Ambjoern Svinhufvud, was in the Gnomeline studio with his Manifesto of Shortness ready for presenation. He looked into the camera without blinking, delaying what we all been waiting for so long. Few were those who actually seen him and even fever had heard him speak, but now was the time. I think that the Professor himself was the least nervous of us all. He looked calmly at all of us. His eyes was just overlooking his glasses. It was as he was certain that the moment of triumph was not far away, not anymore!

"- Ladies and gentlemen and not least of all, you poor short people all over the world, I’ve come to you with a message which will guide you towards prosperity and superiority! In my hand I have the document with a revolutionary explosiveness that will free all smallish, short and repressed people.” It was total silence and you could have heard a feather falling. Professor Svinhufvud started reading:

"Manifesto of Shortness

1. In shortness lies man’s greatness. The one that is short use less of our common resources and is therefore more caring and responsible and a more evolved being from a moral and ethical standpoint. To be short is to be emphatic! Who has ever heard of a short psychopath? Everybody has human rights, though the short one is through his or her moral and ethical excellence of a higher value! The short person is the most equal among equals and therefore worthy of positively being promoted. The short person is SOMEBODY and the overgrown person should not imagine to be anyone at all.
2. The short person is better than the overgrown. An overgrown individual uses more resources that a smallish person, which implies that more small persons can survive on the resources so recklessly wasted by the overgrowns.
3. The short person has a proportionally larger brain volume compared to the overgrown. Furthermore a short person has a longer life because he or she uses their bodily resources more economically than overgrown people. The short person lives longer because its reproductive capacity starts to degenerate later in life. This means that short people are an improved human species and it may be further improved by breeding more and more short grown people. The reproduction of the overgrown has to be counteracted and even stopped by active acts of sterilization.
4. Competitive sports for overgrowns has to be stopped and restrictions enforced concerning body length and body weight for those competing in various sports events. This restriction has to be enforced gradually and as the time passes by the harshness of the restrictions shall increase.
5. Short people has to be positively better treated as it comes to access to higher education. Those who refuse to cooperate according to these rules and regulations will be dismissed immediately. An overgrown cadre of professors will not be allowed to spread their poison to future generations. Shortness is indeed genius and brilliance.
6. Overgrown people will not be allowed to dominate i society. Housing and transports will in the future be designed for short people’s needs, and the consequence will be that overgrowns won’t be able to use them, which is basically their own problem. It is possible for them to surgically modify their appearances to be accepted in society. These surgical modifications is connected with demands of compulsory sterilization, in order to stop bad genes, genes designed for overgrowness to spread within the human species.
7. Short people will be promoted to leading positions and get access to the most qualified jobs. This will be achieved through the use of a quota system which will positively promote short people. This quota system will be designed so that the shorter one is the smaller is the figure ones points is divided on admission. The result is expected to be that a short person will be multiply rewarded for his or her smallness, while overgrowns points erodes by the length of their bodies’. A short person therefore is consecutively rewarded for his or her shortness.
8. It will become forbidden to publicly and privately exercise or making fun of short people. Contests as the throwing of dwarves will be punished especially harsh. To sexually abuse a short person will be the same as making use of a minor; the acts of a nanophile. A short person never tell lies about an overgrown.
9. Associations and organizations which glorify overgrowness will be banned, and those that persist to join such associations and organizations will receive harsh an immediate punishment.
10. An overgrown will never be allowed to teach a short person anything through direct communication. The purpose of this is that short people will not become dependent of any overgrownperson. Domination caused and fuelled by larger body length is based on a bodily defect and that is a defect that we no longer can or will allow. Short people all over the world , join together and throw off the yoke of overgrowness. Do remember that all you risk to lose is the shackles that restrain you in your most personal mines!”

We now thank Professor Svinhufvud and hope that the heyday of shortness is not that far away. Thank You Professor Svinhufvud for sharing this important document with us, said Gnoma Fatale with a smile…

X-mas only 15 days away

2009-12-09T03:35:00.000-08:00

Today Dwarfvision proudly presents, in cooperation Smallish People's Network and Short Journalists Trade Union, a brand new news program: The Gnomeline!!! We have come to the conclusion that in order to bring the interests of shorter beings, a new news channel is needed and it is needed badly! Who would otherwise speak up for those beneath a length of 150 centimeters?

Your news reader is, neatly dressed in a brand new latexdress, Gnoma Interrogata or as she is known among the Gnome community "Sly the unforgiving"...We have been equipped with the newest technology available (for us that is, even though some scumbags hi-jacked one of our trucks on the way here to supply us with the very, very latest of equipment, but this will have to do for now!).

Today the Garden Gnome Guide reports of increased infighting in Central City where the authorities assisted by PATALAP troupers are trying to put a stop to the liberation of suppressed and death-threatened pigs. But the Garden Gnome Guide is equipped with his black titanium baseball bat! That is what is seen on the screen of the right, while on the left screen we see a shameless man exposing a so called prize boar, which is in fact a kind of pig stallion, kept for insemination purposes only. We claim that this is un-piggish and has to be stopped immediately. Pigs ought to be allowed to choose their own spouses. Pigs should be acknowledged as the social beings they are!

The Gnome Combat Group keeps up the struggle and You will be watching us tomorrow when professor Ambjoern Svinhuvfud will join us for an interview, where he will us of the mythic Manifesto for smaller beings. Meanwhile Svinhuvfud tells you this:

"- The favouritism of bigger people has to be brought to an end, as they clearly are a waste of space!"

That's all for now folks, especially for you smaller ones...

X-mas 16 days away

2009-12-08T07:15:00.000-08:00

Today we see the Garden Gnome Guide and the piglet Xavier Balatones travelling by kayak in the remote Arctic Ocean. There was a press-release from the Gnome Combat Group Press Centre (GCGPC) and it did not have much of information attached. Apparently the Garden Gnome Guide has liberated the little piglet somewhere very far up north. The information does not tell us anything why a piglet with a clearly Spanish name was rescued that far away from the Spanish homelands.

Instead the Garden Gnome Guide made the following statement:

"- If the target of the operation is located within 100 kilometers, it just takes one day to mobilize the combat force. If the target of the operation is located within 1.000 kilometers, it takes a month to mobilize the combat force. If the target of the operation is within the four seas, it takes a year to mobilize the combat force. These were the words of Wei Liaozi, and they are still valid - the further away the operation is going to take place, the more of planning, tactical training and finetuning of logistics is needed to make it successful."

Note: Wei Liaozi lived, according to the Chinese historian Sima Qian, during the third century BC. He was employed as strategist at the court of Zheng Ying of Qin, who later became Chinas first emperor.

X-mas just 17 days away

2009-12-07T05:18:00.000-08:00

Today we can see two of liberated pigs, Hans and Franz Hartmann, resting at a safe place together with the Garden Gnome Guide, Gnoma Fatale and Combat Gnome 32. Hans and Franz are being curious about their new environment and are investigating it thouroughly. This is one of the many exciting features of the being of pigs. It is most sadly overlooked by most people, who only focus on pigs tendency to enjoy being dirty. One similarity between pigs, gnomes and humans as that they all use their heads.

The Garden Gnome Guide started to speculate about experiences that could be drawn from the successful operation of yesterday and presented his theory of the strategy to be used in the future struggle:

"- I think Ambjoern Svinhufvud has a point. We have an advantage as long as we are not publicly recognized as thinking and sensitive beings. When people actually don't see us they tend to overlook us, and put us as an integrated part of the environment! Much like a stone, a mushroom or a bush!"

"- I don't know about that, said Gnoma Fatale, people always seems to see me when I'm around!"

"- That's not the point, you address another part of their brains, the reptile part! What I'm talking about is the possibility of strike out of hiding and then dissappear quickly!"

"- What I'm talking about is making manoeuvres of diversion!"

"- Oh, I see, ...you mean that we can use a more flexible strategy and tactic?"

"- Of course, I appear they become occupied and you strike ...!"

"- Splendid, now we only have to plan tonights specific operation...

Here we have to leave our tiny group of conspirators, as the success of that operation is depending on the secrecy of the plan, which guarantee the surprise effect of it... Or as Svinhufvud once philsophically said:

"- When you know what's inside the X-mas present, half the fun is spoiled... or when you crack the shell of the egg its usefulness vanishes quickly!"

X-mas 18 days away

2009-12-06T04:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday night the Gnome Combat Group was informed of a couple of pigs being held prisoner in a house in the suburbs of a larger city. In the shadows of the dark winter night they invaded the garden and started the staring treatment. The staring treatment may go on for years and often make people to abandon their gardens and finally their houses. These house owners were not of the type that could stand this treatment for very long. And after a short while those living in the house sent out a negotiating team, to persuade the staring gnomes to go elsewhere and harass somebody else.

The Garden Gnome Guide showed to be the leader and presented the harsh terms of the Combat Group:

1. All the pigs in the house should immediately be released and hand over to the Gnome Combat Group.

2. If any of the pigs were hurt or killed the Gnome Combat Group would implement the very special "non-growth" curse in the garden, which in practice would mean that nothing would grow in this particular garden for the next two decades.

3. The terms would be met within the span of three hours otherwise the "non-growth" curse would be implemented, then also stretching out to include every minor or child living in the house, who would immediately stop growing.

The house-dweller went pale and returned into the house. After 30 minutes the house dwellers decided to release the pigs held captives in the house.

This operation was successful, and according to Ambjoern Svinhufvud leading artificial dwarf and chief analyst of Gnome Combat Operations, it was only because the house-dweller's attempts to phone the police proved unsuccessful, as the operator decided to ignore the emergency phonecall and put it among the "nutter"-category. A house surrounded by aggressive garden gnomes? Come on, who had heard about such a thing? The operator actually told the caller to go back reading Harry Potter and stop using valuable police force resources... there were actually people in need out there and basket-cases like the caller ought to be glad that he wasn't arrested and put into some kind of psychiatric asylum, packaged in a straight-jacket! Svinhufvud continued and said that the fact that many people did not believe garden gnomes to be thinking and sensitive beings was actually their greatest asset in this struggle. He pointed back to the Manifesto of Smallness, presented some years ago and its points of how the struggle would be won! Smallness is Greatness! he ended his agitated speach... and all the gnomes in the audience hummed... as usual...

X-mas 19 days away

2009-12-05T02:48:00.000-08:00

The action plan today was to strike a little bit more efficient and save more pigs from extermination at once. This action proved successful and the Gnome Combat Group saved a whole family, consisting of Emily Fransescoli and her four piglets.

The PATALAP did not interfere with this action. They where probably licking their wounds from yesterday. The Garden Gnome Guide had a theory of his own: "- I think that if they pay too much attention to our operations they implicitly tell the public that we exist and the public might not be ready for that yet. If the public would consider gnomes as living creatures, the authorities could not ignore us and would have to give us civil rights. Considering how bad longish people behave against smaller ones that would risk outbursts of gnome racism. Also considering gnome power over growing stuff, the authorities might not be willing to risk open gnome retaliation against farm land and gardens. I think they still realize that the Reclaim the garden campaign ain't over yet!"

The other gnomes were humming and humming and for an outsider it was difficult to understand if it was the humming of consent or a humming of silent opposition. But outsiders can't really be sure what gnomes mean... you have to stuck to your rituals and hope for the best...

X-mas 20 days away

2009-12-04T03:21:00.000-08:00

This very night the piglet liberation operation almost went totally wrong. As the Garden Gnome Guide and his combat group was liberating the piglet Igritj Larionov from a transport of piglets they were intersected by the Police Anti-Terrorist Specialist Animal Liberator Activist Protection Squad (PATALAP). But thanks to that the Garden Gnome Guide is an eager student of major strategists as Sunzi, Sunbin, Wei Liaozi and Zhuge Liang, he managed to lead the group out of this dilemma and make it possible for the terrified Larionov to escape (the piglet has nothing whatsoever to do with the Russian hockey-player with the same name to do, sorry for any inconvinience on your behalf Igor).

The Garden Gnome Guide remembered what Sunzi wrote back in 500 BC or so: "Keep your friends close and your enimies even closer." This showed to be a splendid tactical disposition and the water-canons of the PATALAP affected themselves the most...

Or as the Planet's only artificial dwarf, Ambjoern Svinhufvud so nicely formulated it: " Those who dig a hole, often fall in it themselves..." Not that it was one of his best, but it seemed right at the time...

Note: Many people think that the Gnome outfit with a ridiculously red hat is inconvinient in combat situations. But in this situation the Garden Gnome also used the red hat as Musashi Miamoto used it in the fight with Sasaki Kojiro, in the beginning of the 17th century, on an island outside Osaka. Where Musashi used his red bandana to make Sasaki believe that he had cut the head off Musashi, then he lowered his guard and Musashi crushed his head with his wooden sword. In the current situation the PATALAP put all their attention towards the red dots they saw in the very chaotic situation, and this made them inflict defeat on themselves.

X-mas 21 days away

2009-12-03T03:30:00.000-08:00

Today's pic show the Garden Gnome Guide and the Mahtoob Gnome joining the two pigs Marcelo Puffin and the newly escaped, of course with gnome assistance, Harry Fewhair, discussing the pig liberation and escape campaign.

All four of them realilized the difficulties in the situation challenging a multi-million euro industry, having loads and loads of money to destroy anybody who does not approve with their doings. That goes especially for the two pigs who actually are putting their lives on the line here. The gnomes however looks at it as more of an adventure and a possibility. Both the Garden Gnome Guide and the Mahtoob Gnome knew that people in general and industrialists in particular don't believe that gnomes actually are living creatures. As French sociologist Pierre Bourdieu (may he rest in peace) would have said: "-People that have an education oriented towards practical things don't believe in mythological stuff like gnomes!" Not that Bourdieu ever said anything about gnomes as long as he lived, but he would have put it like that if he would have been asked...

The Garden Gnome Guide thought that the occasion was demanding a speach, so he decided to recite Ambjoern Svinhufvud's famous Ode to Mining Dwarves:

"Dwarfs never talks about anything,
But precious metals and hard labour.
I myself never wanted anything
But run far, far away...

To go away and to find,
A horny and bootlegged dwarf woman,
To drink a pint of strongest brew,
And share it with no one...

But as I was about to leave,
The other dwarfs approached,
Angrily staring at me:
Why worketh not thee?

To prove their point, they said:
Work! And work hard you swine!
Labour all day until nightfall!
Or else we will thou crush!

And the years has passed me by,
They now celebrate my 85’,
And here gather no youngish dwarf lads,
Just old ones, not yet killed by the mine...

They are grey and stuffed with their gold,
Holding the metal high above head,
Remembering ore from days gone by,
Oh, they were brave dwarves...
And Swinehead that’s my name..."

Ambjoern Svinhuvfud (2005)