Gnomevision New Year's Party 2009/2010

- Happy Happy New Year!!! Gnomevision greet you all viewers! In the studio tonight we have Associate Professor Stareling Duodenum, Professor Victor G. Antrax, the Duracell Gnoma and many, many others. I am your host tonight and Bluegnome is my name. How was your year Duracell Gnoma?

- It was a mess! Just terrible! Everybody misunderstood everyhting I said! It was as I was speaking an unintelligble language, long since exterminated or abandoned...

- How was your year Assiociate Professor Duodenum?

- Work, work and no fun! But it ended allright as I and my associates managed to stop that imbecille Svinhufvud before it was too late!

- And how was your year Professor Anthrax?

- I could have done much much more, but I was delayed by natural disasters in the Taklamakan Desert! With me around that Manifesto would never have been spread in the broadcasted media!

- By those little glimpses of good deads in the struggle for a fullblown existence in the year 2009 we leave you for now and will hopefully return to you next year!!! Happy Happy New Year!!!

Gnomeline's New Year's Celebration 2009/2010

- Dear viewers, very welcome to the Gnomeline’s New Year’s Celebration. We have a great show tonight, to celebrate the New Year and remember the old one that has passed by. We have a lot of guests, as the Garden Gnome Guide, the Rabid Feminist Gnoma, the Lawn Mover Gnome, the Bat-Biker Gnome, Professor Svinhufvud, Associate Professor Puke Womit, liberated pigs and piglets, flying pigs and levitating gnomes and many, many more. And I who is your host this evening is Gnoma Interrogata. First we will turn to the year just passed by. What does the Garden Gnome Guide remember as being the best?
- Well of course the successful campaign in the end of the year, but also the difficult remaking of a bathroom. Two difficult tasks, accomplished by using different sets of skills. The latter both theoretical, analytical and practical, while the former requiring both workman skills and knowhow.
- We turn to the Rabid Feminist Gnoma – What do you remember best from this year?
- A lot of bad politics, not to say anti-feminist policies implemented by those loosers running contemporary Gnome Affairs. All the good stuff came at the end with the defeat of the PATALAP and that all those cute piglets that was liberated. It’s a pity though that darned Anthrax came back. They should have kept him in the Taklamakan desert! Forever! But I bet they couldn’t stand him there either!
- What do you think Professor Svinhufvud?
- Yeah it was a tough year, but it seemed to go okay at the end, but then those buggers returned and succeeded in taking away our complete victory. I was so close!!! Think of it! A world only populated by dwarves and gnomes. Very efficient! What a dream! It just has to come true before it is too late...
- The party is going to go on here until late tonight... but for now A Very Happy New Year in the Sign of Shortness...

Gnomevision Softtalk with the Bluegnome

- Dear viewers today we have an interview with the distinguished Assistant Professor Stareling Duodenum for You. Good day to you Assistant Professor Duodenum.
- I am very pleased to be here.
- Yesterday there were a lot of things happening. First Professor Svinhufvud and Associate Professor Puke Womit got their research funds suspended for the time being and second, Professor Svinhufvud accused you and Professor Anthrax for being frauds and not capable of scientific research, and finally he claimed that you were incapable of understanding his theory. How do respond to these grave accusations?
- You actually forgot that Svinhufvud accused me for not being objective, but in fact a lackey of the government.
- How do you respond to this?
- First, I must say that I am impressed of how he twists my arguments around, but the truth is that I was right in the first place. He can’t come around the fact that the Manifesto of Shortness aims at discriminate people of normal length and above. If I should go into this argument in further detail, Vilfredo Pareto claimed that a change in policy should be undertaken if no one was worse off. Clearly Svinhufvud’s Manifesto does not fulfil the stipulations for Pareto-efficiency, and should not be enforced.
- But he also claimed that the changes wasn’t his doing but in fact already undertaken as an unforeseen consequence of the functions of our modern society. How do you respond to that?
- That’s just smokescreens, he tries to avoid responsibility of his claims, that are clearly undemocratic and authoritarian, by claiming that they are already a fact, caused by others. How cheap can you get? How shallow can you allow your arguments to become?
- To an uncritical viewer it may seem that all this is about concerns whether short people should lengthen their arms and legs, or if longer people should shorten theirs. How would you respond to that?
- Nothing could be more wrong! Svinhufvud’s Manifesto actually says explicitly that so called “overgrowns” should not be allowed to reproduce themselves. That’s so close to Nazism that Adolf Hitler would have blush as a school boy if had heard such a suggestion!
- You actually compare Professor Svinhufvud with Adolf Hitler?
- May be Pol Pot would be more accurate, as he aims at his own fellow countrymen!
- We thank Assistant Professor Duodenum for this enlightening interview. Good evening to ye’ all!

Gnomeline Investigates Public Affairs

- We have today a report that the distinguished Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud and Associate Professor Puke Womit has been suspended and will not be granted any research funding until the suspension is lifted. We have with us here in the studio Professor Svinhufvud. What is your response to this unexpected development?
- Ah, what can you say? That Duodenum is nothing but a con man. He and Anthrax are simply paid by the government to keep the existing order and prevent any form of change. There is nothing of scientific value in what they say… It is just an violent and unjustified attack an me and associates as persons.
- He had a rather elaborated argumentation against you and the Manifesto of Shortness. What is your response?
- Well, it is not easy because the fellow talks sort of silent and pronounce a lot of words incorrectly. But as I recollect it, he said that the idea of decreasing people’s body length would improve life for a greater amount. First, i deny that because that imbecile doesn’t understand anything. We intend to actually decrease the population in quantitative terms also. There will be fewer people who also are smaller, which will decrease human impact on the planetary resources. Second, he can’t see the whole picture, in fact he is incapable of conducting any kind of holistic analysis, which is what I do. Therefore he doesn’t understand that humanity already is involved in a process that is going to change living conditions and circumscribe the possible amount of people living on the planet.
- But what about these accusations of your methods of enforcing the manifesto, wouldn’t that include authoritarian rule, or even totalitarian?
- People with limited intelligence, as Duodenom and Anthrax, does not understand that this process already has been started! And I didn't start it!
- Has it? Who started it?
- That’s easy to explain! It was of course the overgrowners as they started to industrialize and pollute the whole planet. In particular in recent time certain plastic compounds has been spread in nature and the environment, which the human body identifies as female hormones and these hormones decrease the build up of male hormones in males. This lowers the fertility rate and decrease the amount of newly born infants. It is just a matter of wait and see.
- I’ve never heard of this, is it really true?
- Of course it is. In the mid-90s the Danes found semen collected in 1965, stored away and forgotten. The Danes replicated the study on semen taken from Dane males in 1995, 30 years after and found that fertility had fallen with 50 percent in 30 years time, thanks to plastics spread in the environment. So what Anthrax and Duodenum reads into the Manifesto of Shortness is simply incorrect. I and my associates will do nothing to enforce any form of authoritarian or totalitarian rule. The development that comes from modernization and urban development will do the trick with or without my participation.
- But then why the Manifesto?
- It is simply a way of correcting the orientation of society…
- We hereby thank Professor Svinhufvud and I can tell you, dear viewers that the channel who spread this pack of lies has been reported to the Broadcasting Control Board, who will investigate the matter further…

Gnomevision Analyze Society

- Good day to all of you dear viewers. Today we have with the uttermost distinguished Professor Victor G. Anthrax’s prominent assistant Professor Stareling Duodenum, who has volunteered to participate in this analysis of the disputed Professor Svinhufvud’s senseless claims in his Manifesto of Shortness. Welcome to our channel Assistant Professor and distinguished Scholar Esq. Stareling Duodenum.
- I am very thrilled to be invited to the best of the best of gnome channels, the Gnomevision!
- We are so pleased to welcome you. What is your opinion of the Manifesto of Shortness?
- It is my pleasure to give you an overall analysis of the contents of the Manifesto tells us that we’re dealing with a deranged person here. These thoughts, if you should call them that, paints us a picture of a mind in utter decay.
- Oh, these are harsh words! Is it really that bad?
- The person who put the Manifesto together lives in a fantasy world and have very little of connection to the real world, where all the rest of us live and prosper.
- In what sense is he out of touch with reality?
- He or rather he and his co-workers have an idea of shorter or rather minor people, in size, use less of resources, and therefore it would improve living conditions all over the planet if people just were smaller. The conclusions are that smaller people, the more amounts of resources for all.
- That sounds logical to me…
- The idea has some logic in it, but, and there is a big BUT – let me give you an example: In the eleventh Century the agricultural technology to harvest and grove rice was improved in Song Dynasty China. This made it possible to have three rice harvests per year instead of just two. The result, however, was not improved living conditions for all, as the population increased from little more than 100 million to almost 200 million. Reasoning in analogy with this we can assume that a painful change of everybody’s body size, just will increase the population and actually decrease everybody’s perceived wealth. I can show you statistical evidence that this is a common truth in lots of areas of human and gnome societies. The last edition of Gnomostatistics 2008 tells us that it might even be worse in gnomic societies.
- That sort of shatters the whole line of reasoning in the Manifesto, doesn’t it?
- It most certainly do! But there is more. Sociologically speaking, the changes of society that is proposed in the Manifesto is well-known in human history and social development. You see these changes every time someone wins a war and conquer some piece of territory and tries to assimilate the population living there. For example, as the Ottoman Turks conquered Constantinople in 1453, they enforced a type of rule in the Empire that meant that Muslims had a lower tax rate and easier access to higher education and could less effortly make a career in the bureaucracy of the Ottoman Empire. Of course people who wanted to become wealthy, prosperous and important in Ottoman society thus converted and became Muslims. This was a rather benevolent change of society, but if you compare it with the social changes of Nazi Germany, Fascist Italy and Spain, the Soviet Union and Pol Pot´s Campuchea, it may be done in a less humane way. And in all the above examples the aim was the minds of people which was the target. Svinhufvud’s Manifesto aims at changing their bodies and reproduction capacity. Therefore this is actually worse than anything we have seen yet.
- Oh that sounds nasty! Sinister guy this Svinhufvud fellow, isn’t he?
- It gets worse! On a philosophical level we have one important issue here – and that is the right we have to change the lives of people against their will. Assume we have a very small and confined village, isolated from the rest of the world. The people who live here are relatively homogenic considering their norms and values. They decide to live in an environmentally sound and sustainable manner. Everybody has to transform their lives according to these standards. There is nothing wrong with this as long as the village council has the consent of everybody, and if somebody is in opposition have to possibility to move away, or influence the political order and rules of the village. This is difficult enough in a small village with people that think and act in the same manner, but if you increase the size of the community and make slightly more heterogenic, then it will be much more difficult to uphold justice and equality.
- I see, and your point is?
- This operation of Svinhufvud is an attempt to shape and construct an utopian society. The ones who are going to impose their values upon others is supposedly smaller or shorter people. But what if just one of these smaller existences wants be bigger and longer? After all the knowledge of how to do that is well-known nowadays! Should we deny this one individual this opportunity? Do we have the right to do so? Svinhufvud obviously don’t see any problem here and he just want to correct one mistreatment with exchanging it with another…
- What is your suggestion?
- We can’t afford to listen to deranged people like Svinhufvud anymore! Just because he shortened his arms legs and achieved a better life doesn’t mean that the rest of the world would be happy using the same method! Or to paraphrase William Shakespeare, from Hamlet as Polonius is listening to the rage of the Prince: “Surely this is madness, but yet there is method in it!”
- We hereby thank Assistant Professor Stareling Duodenum and turn to this evenings News…

Gnomeline Extra News

- Today we have here with us in the Gnomeline Studio, the distinguished Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud. Welcome Professor Svinhufvud.
- I’m very pleased to be welcomed! In some studios I’m not so welcome…
- What do you mean?
- I tried yesterday to get a reply to that dreadful charlatan Anthrax, but this newly started channel turned me down and claimed that it was put in dispute if I am a professor or not. I put my best associates on to it and it turns out that this channel is sponsored by Anthrax and two companies he usually work for – in other words, sheer corruption.
- So that channel, which name we won’t mention, is not run according to the ethics and morals of broadcasted media?
- The content of what they broadcast have the same news-value as a commercial promoting the sales of neatly packaged cocaine.
- That seems as a harsh evaluation of a channel that only has been operating for two days. And yesterday that channel and this one were shut-down because of the celebration of the Gnome New Year…
- Well I and Anthrax go years back. He has the moral of an alcoholic locked into a liqueur store…
- He criticised you and your Manifesto of Shortness rather forcefully on X-mas day, didn’t he?
- That fool! He does this all the time! I present something and he present the opposite! I prefer shortness and he prefer length… A couple of years ago I presented a theory of how gnomes reproduce themselves. Of course my theory claimed that gnomes reproduce sexually. They simply have sex, get pregnant and give birth to baby gnomes. I did some terrific field work back in those days and managed to catch some gnomes in the act, which actually proved my point. But what did this charlatan Professor Victor G. Anthrax do?
- Please enlighten us?
- He presented another theory, taken right out of the blue, claiming that gnomes were a sort of mushrooms or fungi, who reproduce like in yeast fungus gemmation. He thereby suggests an asexual reproduction cycle, which is in total contradiction with my theory. Back in those days he had a slimy handy-man who actually faked some photos that were supposed to show a gnome gemmating its offspring. Ridiculous in my view!
- So everything he does is fake and fraud?
- Oh yes, he can’t spell words like honour, truth, probability and proper use of statistics. What he tries to do now is to take away the victory we achieved in our struggle last week. He is actually selling out all the real interests of small people and hoping to be gratified by the authorities.
- Is he that bad?
- In fact, he is worse! Just look at the screen on your right and you will se a film taken by a Wallraffing journalist as Anthrax hunted polar bears in the Arctic. He shot baby polar bears just to get the furs and sold them to some obscure rich people in Eastern Asia. For the money he launched a sinister campaign against the civil rights of extremely small people. His aim was to take away every human right for people shorter than 75 centimetres. He is truly a nasty piece of work. Look on your left, there you have the Garden Gnome Guide with one the pigs that were rescued during the pig liberation this year, and you don't want to know what Anthrax did to that little piglets mother... I have difficulties to go to sleep when I think about it...

- What happened?

- Nasty experiments with cosmetics... I will say no more!

- Please!!!

- I cannot, but I can tell you that I even heard rumours that he sold his own mother for clinical research when he was a student…
- We thank our eminent Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud for sharing these facts with us and turn to other news this evening…

Gnomevision's Opening Night

- We had a thought that broadcasting of Gnome News was a little bit too one-sided and therefore we designed an alternative. Where we can present another side of how we may view the World and important events: Today we proudly present a brand new Broadcasting Channel – Gnomevision in cooperation with Nano-Surgeons International, World Association of Medical Suppliers and Televised Agression Media. I am Bluegnome Polite and I’ll be your News anchor, guiding you through the jungle of global nano-news. With me today in the studio I have Victor G. Anthrax, who has joined us after a long journey in the Taklamakan Desert, on the brink of Outer Mongolia. But now you’re back. What is your plans for the near future?
- Now I’m most certainly back! Be sure about that! To quote Richard Milhouse Nixon: "Let there be no doubt about it!"

- Why have you decided to return now?

- It has come to my attention that this obscure diletant Professor Svinhufvud has tried to impose his imbecile Manifesto of Shortness upon decent people. I’ve returned to put an end to that kind of nonsense once and for all.
- I’m not sure what you mean… I thought the government was going to integrate the Manifesto into its ordinary day to day policy!
- Bah, over my dead and decomposed body. This Svinhufvud character, he has, as usual, got it all wrong. Short people should not accept their shortness and try to impose it on others. Quite the contrary – short people should try and become bigger and reach the same height andbody length as ordinary people. No one has ever succeeded in imposing their will upon someone bigger.
- But the resent events with those gnome combat groups defeating the whole PATALAP Force, wasn’t that proof of small creatures actually defeating taller ones?
- Sheer luck! Wouldn’t happen in a million years if you ask me. Very low probability! No smaller beings has to take growth hormones and undergo surgical alteration of their legs and arms. Look at China – there is a whole industry of body-lengthening there. Thousands of Chinese every year increase the length of their arms and legs. I wouldn’t be the least surprised if we have a World Champion Basket Ball Team in a couple of years or so… And that Svinhufvud character, he is not just a dwarf in appearance, he is also a midget inside his head. A small man thinking small thoughts! In fact, everything about the guy is smallish and insignificant!
- So there nothing in his claims for equal rights for shorter people?
- You have obviously not been listening to what he says and what is in that Manifesto of his! Its Animal Farm all over again, but now our societies will be ruled from gardens and woodlands instead, by beings that are not even registered as citizens. Sheer folly, if you ask me!
- And what do you suggest?
- We can’t accept somebody trying to impose their will and follies upon us, we must say no, we must resist and we must fight them vigorously! We will start with arguing against their follies, we will continue to resist the implementation of their foolish legislation and we will, finally fight them with all the physical strength we have!
- We thank Professor Anthrax for sharing his thoughts and recommendations with us and turn over to other news…

Gnomeline News Flash - X-mas Eve

- Good day to you all and a Merry Merry X-mas, especially for all you smallish creatures. This night there was a tremendous development in the continuing struggle for pig liberation and advance of the interests of short people and creatures. On the screen on my left you see the build up just before the gnome forces join the pigs, the dwarves and the rest of the volunteers. On the screen of my right you see the PATALAP forces right after their humiliating defeat. They are put right in front of the Alfred Satire Gnome, who tell them what to do. As we see they are no longer in their uniforms and attack equipment, but naked... With us tonight is the hero of the day – the Garden Gnome Guide – how would you describe the events that led to this unexpected victory?
- Well I don’t think it was unexpected, I rather expected exactly this development all the time. You could actually say that it was inevitable.
- But how did you manage to do it?
- Well, lets say it was a variation of the same strategy that the famous strategist Sun Bin used in the battle of Ma-ling in 352 B.C. Sun Bin and the Qi forces faked their hasty retreat, and behind them they left a sign on a tree. It was dark and as the Wei forces reached the tree they lit a fire to see better what the sign said and that is when the Qi archers fire their bows. We did the same. Left the city hasty and left a sign in small letters on a wall. We did put in some mis-spellings knowing that in the PATALAP forces there are quite a few people with great control needs. So they tried to figure out what the sign said when pulled the plug on them...
- Pulled the plug???
- Well, in a figure of speak, we had laid out a big net that was ignited by the flash of a certain amount of light. We got them all and the result you see on the screen there on the right.
- Spectacular, isn’t it? What happens now?
- All the pigs in the land will be liberated of course and the government will have to deal with the Manifesto of Shortness... I think that will do for a start... then of course we will have a look upon climate change, corruption and illegal trade. In the end I see a world pretty much looking like a fine garden...
- With lots of gnomes...
- With lots of gnomes...

Gnomeline Analysis - X-mas just one day away

- Good morning dear viewers, and especially all you small creatures worrying about the recent development of events. This very mornin’ we’re reached by the terrible news that no less than 12 million piglets has been castrated without using of any form of painkiller or analgesics. What you say about that Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud?
- It is simply terrible! But what to expect? The arrogance and ingnomity of overgrowns… They simply don’t have it within them… compassion, humanity, empathy… It is sad really, but they don’t know better…
- With us downtown we have the Lawn Mover Gnome, reporting live from a super market! How are things downtown now?
- Well the place is actually deserted and you only see a few overgrowns, quite disorientated actually… some gnome and pig patrols... the PATALAP, it is spread as a rumour, are building up their forces outside the city and they will, says this rumour, return to the city during the night and cleanse it from, what they perceive as, all forms of smallish illegal resistance. This super market is totally empty and you can't see a living soul anywhere. There is only one day to X-mas Eve and still no people dare go out shopping… I say the campaign is successful, but still you don't hear a thing on the mainstream media, which just seem to ignore the events or explain them as accidents or the deeds of misguided youngsters. One of their problem with the last explanation is that those younsters would be approximately two or three years old according to their body length...
- We thank the Lawn Mover Gnome for that live report. What is your response to that Professor?
- What could you say? To deny or ignore are well-known psychological defense mechanisms, frequently used by overgrowners... I talked to the Garden Gnome Guide just an hour ago and he said that he has planned for this a long time now and it seems that everything is going his way at the moment. It seemed to me that he has something going for ‘im… I don’t know what it is, but I think we’ll know in a day or two…
- Thank you Professor! With us here today is also the Arrogant and Patronizing Gnome, who has deep insights in how overgrowners think and act.
- Good day to you! I am very glad and joyful to have the opportunity to be here! As I adopted the facial appearance of an overgrown politician I’ve spent some time trying to figure out what his motives and driving forces are. I think that arrogance, envy and greed are big motivators. Lack of empathy is also important in his behavioural arsenal. To my understanding, to act and live like this character means that you don’t listen to others and when you finally do, you claim that they didn’t understand what you said or the inner meaning of your acts.
- Sounds intriguing and overgrowners actually elect such people?
- Oh yes, they sort of disregard the meaning of what is said, but just think that it sounds okay.
- That explains a lot I think… could you give us an example of how such a political leader acts and express himself?
- Certainly… What we have seen here during the last couple of days, is nothing less then the uncivilized acts and doings of the opposition. This is what they offer you: Chaos and the claim that it is caused by ravaging gnomes, dwarves, wild boars and pigs. This is not true! It is the opposition that cause all this. And this is how it is going to be if you don’t re-elect me. Order, that is me – chaos, that’s all the others – the choice is simple, and it is up to YOU!
- We thank the Arrogant and Patronizing Gnome for that… and tomorrow you’ll watch us again!!!

Gnomeline Neo-News Studio Presents - X-mas just 2 days away

We bring you tidings dear viewers that the Gnomeline Studio has been rebuilt! The fighting is steaming up and the Joint Gnome, Dwarf, Pigs and Wild Boar Forces (JGDPWBF) are ready to strike at the heart of PATALAP. Or as the Garden Gnome Guide once said:
- People tend to think that gnomes are rather harmless and friendly creatures, but I can tell you for sure that gnomes are quite in for the thing called revenge. If you do something a gnome doesn’t like he or she will eventually get back on you. You might think that it is an accident that the infamous potato-bug ate all your potatoes, but left your neighbour’s un-touched. But your just foolin’ yourself. You’re the victim of a gnome! A gnome with a grudge!

Gnoma Interrogata: - And now over to something completely different! We have now been told that the nature pic of this year is a wolf that jumps over a fence. However, the photographer cheated and used a tame wolf. But Gnomeline proudly presents, in co-operation with Dwarf Vision, our best pic of the year: The Jumping Pig!!! But now we turn to the curent conflict situation! We have with us tonight the Garden Gnome Guide, here with us in the Studio, and downtown Central City, the Bat-Biker Gnome, right in the middle of the heavy fighting between the Joint Smallish Forces and the PATALAP! How is the situation downtown?
- Well it seems that we have brought the X-mas sales to an end and it seems that the PATALAP thinks that they have us cornered! But Gnomee Me are they in for a surprise! We have arranged a pelota just for’em!!!
- Thank you for that report Bat-Biker Gnome! And I turn towards the Garden Guide Gnome: What do you think about the current situation?
- Well, I think they are in for a surprise! It is a question of 'em over stretching! I will explain it for you tomorrow or at least the day after tomorrow… but as for now my lips are sealed…
- Thank you, Garden Guide Gnome, and we are very excited about this new strategy and the tactical developments that we inevitably will follow… Overgrowners just don’t get it do they… they had their moment and now it’s gone… I think they just proved it in Copenhagen… Tomorrow you’ll watch us again!!!

X-mas just 3 days away

Today Gnomeline's Temporary Studio reports that a joint levitating gnome and flying pig attack just occurred during the X-mas sales in downtown Central City. At the meat market several hundreds of bodies of murdered pigs were confiscated and taken away.

The leader of the combat group, the Bat-Biker Gnome (another one of the Garden Gnome Guide's cousins), made a statement at the spot of the operation in front of the surprised X-mas shoppers:

- These dreadful ungnomish and unpigly acts must be brought to an end! The gnome and pig communities cannot accept this any longer. Those who continue along these dreadful lines of behaviour will be punished. Every gnome, dwarf, pig or wild boar will join on the destruction of gardens and agricultural landscape owned by identified trangressors!

Then the whole combat group left as fast as they had arrived...

X-mas just 4 days away

Today we are viewing the famous levitating gnomes coming in from the sky. This is a historical photo showing a gnome attack on a certain company in the fast food business. The reason behind the attack is since long forgotten, but we can guess that did something nasty to a smallish person.

From the resistance it is reported that the counter attack is under development. The PATALAP has left Gnomeline News Studio, but the premises were smashed and is now under reconstruction and is expected to reopen tomorrow at noon.

Gnomeline News - X-mas 5 days away

Attention! Attention! Just this minute the Gnomeline News Studio has been raided by the PATALAP Anti-Terrorist Very Special Gnome Activity Restraining Combat Group (putting together an abreviation do seem pointless here). The PATALAPs came in from the roof during a News broadcast and Gnoma Interrogata was interrupted during her interview with a lot of interesting guests. From the Temporary Headquarteers of the Garden Gnome Guide it is reported that the resistance and immediate counter attack is being prepared. The Garden Gnome Guide says:

- Now there is no more mister Nice Gnome! This means war! We will fight these bastards in every garden, every wood, in the super markets and in the streets! They will regret this! On the spot in the Gnomeline Studio the resisitance is led by Gnoma Interrogata and the Baseball Bat Gnome. I can promise the attackers that will not be a nice X-mas this years. I urge every gnome, dwarf, smallish being, pigs and others who sympathize with our cause to join the Resistance! We will win, but it may take a week or two!!!

X-mas 6 days away

Today we turn our heads towards pig evolution. Some people might argue that pigs has not evolved during historical times, but nothing could be more wrong. For instance the pig of today is a relative newcomer and its ancestors looked and appeared quite differently. They were certainly not pink, because that's simply not an efficient cloaking device in the wilderness. Rather they were brownish in different patterns and cloaked rather well in any forest or field.

But the Garden Gnome Guide and his team at the Combat Pig Training Camp has succeeded in mutate pigs by using modern DNA-technology and modify the genes of the pigs. These particular pigs on the photo has been altered by using genes from pigeons and suddenly you have the Pigeon Pig. This modification is thought to use in combat against the pig exterminating society. If the PATALAP bring in their terrorist combatting paratroupers they will be countered by the use of flying pigs and levitating gnomes.

The Garden Gnome Guide is at the present preparing the tactics and the strategy to be used by these new armed forces. The Garden Gnome Guide say:

"- ... it is a little bit like when the German strategist Erwin Rommel wrote his famous book Tank in Battle, to use a completely new type of technology and in a new way that your opponents not yet have been thinkin' of. The flying pigs and the levitating gnomes will simply terrify everyone that is exposed to them! Our opponents wrongly assumes that pigs in general are harmless creatures! Nothing could be more wrong! They can be mean, nasty and evil!"

Gnomeline Industrial Affairs - X-mas 7 days away

- Today we are being visited by the Duracell Gnoma, repsonsible for Gnome Industrial Affairs. Some say even the mismanagement of gnome affairs. With us on a link from their K2 expedition we have the Rabid Feminist Gnoma and the Garden Gnome Guide. God day to you Duracell Gnoma!

- Glad to be here!

- Is it true that half a year ago or so, you said in an interview, that you would never interfere with Gnome Industrial Affairs and waste Gnome money on that, for nothing? asked the Garden Gnome Guide.

- I've never said that!!!

- But we have it here on tape! " I will never waste gnome money on worthless gnome industrial affairs!" a voice is heard saying. Isn't this your voice?

- I've never said that!!!!!!!

- But we can clearly hear you say just that...

- I'VE NEVER SAID THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- I don't think we can get any further on that one! the Gnoma Interrogata concluded.

- Some months ago you had an opportunity for worrisome gnomes to e-mail you, didn't you? asked the Rabid Feminst Gnoma.

- Yes I think it is important to keep a close contact with ordinary gnomes...

- But it wasn't you who answered their e-mails, it was your secretary...

- That is so untrue!!!

- But we asked her and she said that it was she who answered, but that she signed the e-mails with your name, isn't that being false to your fellow gnomes?

- That is so untrue!!!!

- We have her on tape!

- THAT IS SO UNTRUE!!!!!!!!

- I'll think we change the subject there!

- Oink! said Quentin Styantino, the priceless pig.

- What did the pig say? Was it an insult? screamed the Duracell Gnoma angrily, and walked out of the studio...

- Todays action on the pig liberation front is up next. There is a rumour that no less than 321 pigs has been liberated from a pig detention camp this evening...

Gnomeline Economics - X-mas 8 days away

"- Today we are proud to present an interview with the Greedy Financing Gnome, who will guide us into the mine field of Gnomonomics! Is there really a need for specialised economics just focusing on Gnome Affairs?"

"- Why does everybody tend to mistrust me all the time? Everything I come up with is called bad things!"

"- I know why," said the Garden Gnome Guide, coming in on a link from the K2, "that's 'cause you're a greedy little bugger who would sell your mother if you saw any profite in it!"

"- Just listen to that! I have put up with comments like this all the time!"

"- But isn't it a fact that you're now dwelling in a gnomehole reserved for needing gnome students?" asked the Rabid Feminist Gnoma.

"- Here I have to point out that I was appointed as First Greedy Financing Gnome because of my skills as caretaker of large amounts of precious metals and money! What you call greed I define as economical!"

"- When you were an ordinary mining gnome, how come you didn't pay any taxes?" asked the Garden Gnome Guide.

"- That mine is located in Vorkuta and out of our tax authorities jurisdiction!"

"- When you were trusted with a radio reciever, howcome you didn't pay the radio licence fee for it?"

"- It was an act of civil disobedience!"

"- It's funny," said the rabid Feminist Gnoma, "that you always have an explanation for your misdeeds, your frauds, your lack of tax morals and your lack of feeling of being a part of a community! How would you say you understand the concept of common good?"

"- What kind of a communist question is this?"

"- We only want to know if you yourself feel as a part of something bigger than yourself or if you plainly are a selfish greedy little bugger?" asked the Garden Gnome Guide.

"- Oink!" said Quentin Styantino, the smiling pig.

"- I will tell you that my empathic abilities are great indead," said the Greedy Financing Gnome, "and yesterday I decided to become an indirect vegetarian!"

"- An indirect Vegetarian? What on earth is that?" asked the Gnoma Interrogata.

"- From this day on I will only eat meat from animals who feed on vegetarian food stuffs!"

"- That's just typical!" said the Garden Gnome Guide. "Every time something important comes up you answer to something else and try to twist everything! Is it impossible for you to give a straight answer?"

"- You're not just a selfish greedy little bugger, you're also a damned lier and a discursive acrobat!" said the Rabid Feminst Gnoma.

At this moment, the Selfish Greedy Financing Gnome, stood up on his feet and left the premises waving his guiding light and muttering something about communists and boneheads...

If you should think that the Greedy Financing Gnome looks like some wellknown politician, that is just a coincidence, just as when you dig up a potato and it looks like one of your friends. In gnome society there has been a long-time trend of continuously appearing look-alikes, impersonating some wellknown person or even celebrity... this is just how modern gnomes act, nothing funny about that...

X-mas 9 days away

Today Gnomeline News visits the Combat Pig Training Camp. Out here we meet the Garden Gnome Guide's cousins, the Bike Gnome and the Lawn Moving Gnome. And look at that pig! That's Hilarius Mudlink, the best pig of the Combat Group. His highjumps are spectacular.

But pigs need more than physical abilities and training in sports. They also have to know about tactics and strategy, as you have to know how to pick your fights. There are several historical wars where one side has managed to win all the battles but the last one, and consequently lost the war.

The Garden Gnome Guide said:

"- Once upon a time Mullah Nasruddin went on a training mission to a monastery in a desert outside a small town. In the monastery the martial arts were practised and soon Nasruddin was the best fighter of all the monks. At that time three robbers made their camp between the monastery and the little town. The monks had to go into town to buy the supplies they didn't produce themselves once a week. Every time a monk went to town to buy the supplies, he was robbed and beaten up. After a couple of weeks the situation in the monastery became impossible and the monks had to get their hands on additional supplies. They met and discussed the situation and they decided to send Mullah Nasruddinm, as he was the most eminent fighter, to deal with the robbers. Later the same evening Nasruddin came back all beaten up and bearely alive. The monks curiously asked how on Earth he couldn't defend himself against the robbers. Mullah Nasruddin then told them that as he was on his way back from town, he was stopped by the robbers and was told to give them his gods. "- What happened?" asked the monks. "-Well, said Nasruddin, as they confronted me I started to make my ceremonials for opening the fight, and then suddenly they were all over me, beaten me like mad men!"

"- From this story it is important to learn, that there is a place and time for everything, while you have to pick them right! Some people just don't abide to rules..."

Gnomeline Analysis - X-mas 10 days away

- The topic for todays deeploading analysis is the pig in literature and the movies. We have especially invited the Garden Gnome Guide's twin brother, the Book Reading Gnome, to enlighten us on this topic. Pleased to have you with us tonight!

- Thank you very much! I am glad o be invited!

- Now I understand that our picture of the pig isn't just that of those dirty ones moving around in the mud all day. But there is a different picture transferred to us by literature and the movies.

- True, very true! If we begin with the slightly bad picture that is painted or rather written in George Orwell's famous novel Animal Farm. The leading character in that novel is Napoleon, a pig that claims there is nobody who is so equal as the pigs. This has caused a lot of damage and some people actually think that pigs has a tendency towards megalomania!

- But there are good images as well, isn't there?

- Yeah, of course we have the ultimate good pig, presented in the old cartoon Who's afraid of the big Bad Wolf. Of course the lead character pig's younger brothers are not much of heroes, but in fact rather spoiled brats if you ask me, and you did... But the oldest one, he is tremendous. What a character! Builds his house with bricks, even the furniture in the house is made by bricks. Which actually in the end is what defeats the Big Bad Wolf. A tiny detail shows the tragedy of the three brothers. On the wall there is a painting of their mother and beside it there is another one of their father. But while the mother is a healthy sow, the father is a sausage...

- Tragedy in everyday life?

- Yeah, surely, no one knows that as the tormented pig population. But if we dig deeper into the world of literature, in Fjodor Dostojevskij's The Possessed, the novel opens with a citation from the Holy Bible, where Jesus meet a mad man and forces the evil spirit to leave him and forces it into a bunch of pigs, that run over a cliff and dies. What kind of story is that? What did those pig do wrong? I'll tell ye, nothin', they did nothin'!

- Mmmm, sad indeed...

- But there are god ones, where the pigs actually strikes back. Pier Paolo Pasolini made a film where one of the characters falls into a pig sty, and is consumed by the pigs. I honour Pasolini, fine man...

- I'll think we'll leave Pasolini.

- Oh, but there are more examples. Take the Japanese filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki and his wonderful film Porco Rosso, where the main character is a man turned, by magic, into a pig. A flying pig. Fine film and a fine man Miyazaki. Did a lot to improve pig image...

- But how about the Swine Flu, the H1N1?

- That's a really sad story. Probably not even the fault of the pigs. Flues are generally generated when humans, pigs and ducks live to close together. Usually in mainland China. The villain, though, is the duck, not the pig...

- How come?

- Humans and pigs becomes ill, but not the ducks. The virus is transformed inside the duck and spread to the other two... Clearly you see who the perpetrator is...

- We thank the Book Reading Gnome for sharing these deep insights with us and hope for a greater understanding of pigs as living, sensitive and creative beings...

X-mas 11 days away

The Pig Liberation Campaign goes on. The distinguished Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud was a little bit disturbed by the critizism that claimed that he did not care about the liberation of pig campaign, but actually was operating his own personal agenda. Just promoting his life project to increase life quality for small people and to end the reign of terror by overgrowns. Some claimed that he did not see the greater picture where gnomes actually got rather popular i the eyes of the public, despite the enormous amount of meat-eaters among them. They alright feel sorry for the pigs, but nevertheless eat them gladly. Actually, one of Svinhufvud's upcoming projects is to try and spread islam, judaism and buddhism as all three religions lay restrictions on eating meat... His critics say this is a construction to wash his meat dirty hands, as no one knows what he actually ate during all those years in the mines of Vorkuta.

We don't exactly know the origines of this photo, but it appears to show Svinhufvud and a piglet, and the latter seems very happy to be rescued. The pig seems to like to be held by Svinhufvud. However, analysis of photos are indeed difficult. Remember how the Soviet authorities used to change editions of Soviet schoolbooks from year to year. The people on the photos were eliminated one by one. Finally only Lenin and Stalin remained. Not that I say that there is anything funny about this photo. The piglet's smile may be a genuine one...



I my book you should read and view things in the best of intention, not as the devil reads the Bible - to find and use the eventual loop-holes. And if you develop your distrustful side and start to think the worst of people, there is a great possibility that you end up poisoning your own life.



However, the little Piglet seemed to have no name so Svinhufvud named Styrbjoern after the man who killed his fathers brother, the black sheep of the Svinhufvud family. The name is difficult to translate, but probably means something like a bear who steer, navigate and command a ship. Possible a viking ship or even older.

Gnomeline X-mas 12 days away

Today the Gnome Combat Group has to compete with media attention with the demonstrations at the Climate meeting in Copenhagen. Operating in the shadow of that mega-event the Combat Group succeeded to liberatie no less than 17 pigs today. The Combat Group was enforced by the Environment Gnome, who gave those guarding the Pig Factory free beers. These beers were prepared with a knock-out drug and the Combat Group took every pig they could get hold of and ran for freedom, as the guards were totally passed out.

On the screen on the left we see the Garden Gnome Guide with the newly liberated prize pig Walter Mbele. On the right screen we see the Environment Gnome with his little bike carrying all the beer. In the studio the Garden Gnome Guides brother, the Garden Gnome Book Reader is agitated when he makes a speach on Gnome strategy.

We salute Walter Mbele and the 16 other liberated pigs and hope they will succeed into a prosperous and free life...

Eagle Hunting in Mongolia

Yesterday I found this photo in a newspaper. As it was found in a crossword, there was no indication where and when the photo was taken. The person on the far right seems to be Mongolia's former Prime Minister Sanjagiin Bayar and the person standing right behind him also seem familiar, even though I can't remember his name. Behind the eagle there seems to stand the bird trainer - a Khazakh? The man on the far left is unknown to me.

The eagle might be one I also met i Kharchoriin two years ago as I had the pleasure to hold it with my arm. The eagle stared into my eye and seemed to think: "- And who the hell are you?"

The claw of the eagle was as big as one fully grown man's hand. Furthermore, where is this photo taken? Is it outside Kharchoriin or is it in the Altai Mountain Range? I would be pleased to learn more about it if somone of my readers know anything about, please share your information with me in the comment department.

Source: Svenska Dagbladet 11 December 2009, page 55.

Gnomeline says - X-mas just 13 days away

Yesterdays newsline presenting Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud made a lot of people, especially long ones, sad, angry and agitated. Today the studio of Gnomeline has received a lot of e-mails, sms's and phone calls from angry wievers. Some says that this was unnecessary and took away the focus from the liberation of the pigs, while others said that Professor Svinhufvud's Manifesto was among the most stupid things they ever heard of. Today this morning we were visited by another professor, the distinguished Professor of experimental psychology Psychee Spineless. And as we have Professor Svinhufvud with us on a link from where he is right now (which is highly confidential):

- Hello Professor Svinhufvud, can you hear me?

- I can hear you, there is no need to scream at me...

- The distinguished professor in experimental psychology Psychee Spineless was with us earlier and put some questions to you. Can you answer or try to answer them?

- First, I don't think that scumbag is especially distinguished and I surely have no clue how he could ever become professor. But then again, what to expect, experimental psychology is just a matter of exchanging the lab-rats with real people. But surely I can answer any question of his, just go ahead.

- Professor Spineless asks: How come you present a Manifesto of Shortness that everyone could see is of great length?

- Bah, what kind of a question is that? But to answer it, the Manifesto is just a reflection of all the bad things overgrowners has been doing against small people since the beginning of time and to shorten the list would do them great injustice...

- This Manifesto sounds to me as bringing nazism back in again, just making the same wrongs to other types of people. Isn't this the problem; You're in fact replacing one injustice with another?

- Bah, is that all you can come up with? In fact this is an attempt to develop the human race. Our intention is to replace bad and wasteful policies with good and forwardlooking ones. A world ruled by smaller people will be more environmentally friendly, more resourceful and more efficient.

- What happened to the campaign to set the threatened pig population free? It seems like you actually destroyed that operation with your senseless initiative?

- Bah, you can't make an omelette without cracking eggs! Sometimes you have to take chances to achieve the greater good. That is inevitable! No wonder why his name is Spineless... God day to you... I am getting bored...

We thank Professor Svinhufvud for this interview and turn to other news.

Today no less than 54 pigs were liberated in a military operation led by the Garden Gnome Guide. This is the most sucessful operation since the pig liberation campaign started two weeks ago. There has been talk about promoting the Garden Gnome Guide to Chief Strategist of the Joint Gnome Forces...

Gnomeline Extra X-mas 14 days away

The artificial dwarf and the eminent Professor in Nanology Ambjoern Svinhufvud, was in the Gnomeline studio with his Manifesto of Shortness ready for presenation. He looked into the camera without blinking, delaying what we all been waiting for so long. Few were those who actually seen him and even fever had heard him speak, but now was the time. I think that the Professor himself was the least nervous of us all. He looked calmly at all of us. His eyes was just overlooking his glasses. It was as he was certain that the moment of triumph was not far away, not anymore!

"- Ladies and gentlemen and not least of all, you poor short people all over the world, I’ve come to you with a message which will guide you towards prosperity and superiority! In my hand I have the document with a revolutionary explosiveness that will free all smallish, short and repressed people.” It was total silence and you could have heard a feather falling. Professor Svinhufvud started reading:

"Manifesto of Shortness

1. In shortness lies man’s greatness. The one that is short use less of our common resources and is therefore more caring and responsible and a more evolved being from a moral and ethical standpoint. To be short is to be emphatic! Who has ever heard of a short psychopath? Everybody has human rights, though the short one is through his or her moral and ethical excellence of a higher value! The short person is the most equal among equals and therefore worthy of positively being promoted. The short person is SOMEBODY and the overgrown person should not imagine to be anyone at all.
2. The short person is better than the overgrown. An overgrown individual uses more resources that a smallish person, which implies that more small persons can survive on the resources so recklessly wasted by the overgrowns.
3. The short person has a proportionally larger brain volume compared to the overgrown. Furthermore a short person has a longer life because he or she uses their bodily resources more economically than overgrown people. The short person lives longer because its reproductive capacity starts to degenerate later in life. This means that short people are an improved human species and it may be further improved by breeding more and more short grown people. The reproduction of the overgrown has to be counteracted and even stopped by active acts of sterilization.
4. Competitive sports for overgrowns has to be stopped and restrictions enforced concerning body length and body weight for those competing in various sports events. This restriction has to be enforced gradually and as the time passes by the harshness of the restrictions shall increase.
5. Short people has to be positively better treated as it comes to access to higher education. Those who refuse to cooperate according to these rules and regulations will be dismissed immediately. An overgrown cadre of professors will not be allowed to spread their poison to future generations. Shortness is indeed genius and brilliance.
6. Overgrown people will not be allowed to dominate i society. Housing and transports will in the future be designed for short people’s needs, and the consequence will be that overgrowns won’t be able to use them, which is basically their own problem. It is possible for them to surgically modify their appearances to be accepted in society. These surgical modifications is connected with demands of compulsory sterilization, in order to stop bad genes, genes designed for overgrowness to spread within the human species.
7. Short people will be promoted to leading positions and get access to the most qualified jobs. This will be achieved through the use of a quota system which will positively promote short people. This quota system will be designed so that the shorter one is the smaller is the figure ones points is divided on admission. The result is expected to be that a short person will be multiply rewarded for his or her smallness, while overgrowns points erodes by the length of their bodies’. A short person therefore is consecutively rewarded for his or her shortness.
8. It will become forbidden to publicly and privately exercise or making fun of short people. Contests as the throwing of dwarves will be punished especially harsh. To sexually abuse a short person will be the same as making use of a minor; the acts of a nanophile. A short person never tell lies about an overgrown.
9. Associations and organizations which glorify overgrowness will be banned, and those that persist to join such associations and organizations will receive harsh an immediate punishment.
10. An overgrown will never be allowed to teach a short person anything through direct communication. The purpose of this is that short people will not become dependent of any overgrownperson. Domination caused and fuelled by larger body length is based on a bodily defect and that is a defect that we no longer can or will allow. Short people all over the world , join together and throw off the yoke of overgrowness. Do remember that all you risk to lose is the shackles that restrain you in your most personal mines!”

We now thank Professor Svinhufvud and hope that the heyday of shortness is not that far away. Thank You Professor Svinhufvud for sharing this important document with us, said Gnoma Fatale with a smile…

X-mas only 15 days away

Today Dwarfvision proudly presents, in cooperation Smallish People's Network and Short Journalists Trade Union, a brand new news program: The Gnomeline!!! We have come to the conclusion that in order to bring the interests of shorter beings, a new news channel is needed and it is needed badly! Who would otherwise speak up for those beneath a length of 150 centimeters?

Your news reader is, neatly dressed in a brand new latexdress, Gnoma Interrogata or as she is known among the Gnome community "Sly the unforgiving"...We have been equipped with the newest technology available (for us that is, even though some scumbags hi-jacked one of our trucks on the way here to supply us with the very, very latest of equipment, but this will have to do for now!).

Today the Garden Gnome Guide reports of increased infighting in Central City where the authorities assisted by PATALAP troupers are trying to put a stop to the liberation of suppressed and death-threatened pigs. But the Garden Gnome Guide is equipped with his black titanium baseball bat! That is what is seen on the screen of the right, while on the left screen we see a shameless man exposing a so called prize boar, which is in fact a kind of pig stallion, kept for insemination purposes only. We claim that this is un-piggish and has to be stopped immediately. Pigs ought to be allowed to choose their own spouses. Pigs should be acknowledged as the social beings they are!

The Gnome Combat Group keeps up the struggle and You will be watching us tomorrow when professor Ambjoern Svinhuvfud will join us for an interview, where he will us of the mythic Manifesto for smaller beings. Meanwhile Svinhuvfud tells you this:

"- The favouritism of bigger people has to be brought to an end, as they clearly are a waste of space!"

That's all for now folks, especially for you smaller ones...

X-mas 16 days away

Today we see the Garden Gnome Guide and the piglet Xavier Balatones travelling by kayak in the remote Arctic Ocean. There was a press-release from the Gnome Combat Group Press Centre (GCGPC) and it did not have much of information attached. Apparently the Garden Gnome Guide has liberated the little piglet somewhere very far up north. The information does not tell us anything why a piglet with a clearly Spanish name was rescued that far away from the Spanish homelands.

Instead the Garden Gnome Guide made the following statement:

"- If the target of the operation is located within 100 kilometers, it just takes one day to mobilize the combat force. If the target of the operation is located within 1.000 kilometers, it takes a month to mobilize the combat force. If the target of the operation is within the four seas, it takes a year to mobilize the combat force. These were the words of Wei Liaozi, and they are still valid - the further away the operation is going to take place, the more of planning, tactical training and finetuning of logistics is needed to make it successful."

Note: Wei Liaozi lived, according to the Chinese historian Sima Qian, during the third century BC. He was employed as strategist at the court of Zheng Ying of Qin, who later became Chinas first emperor.

X-mas just 17 days away

Today we can see two of liberated pigs, Hans and Franz Hartmann, resting at a safe place together with the Garden Gnome Guide, Gnoma Fatale and Combat Gnome 32. Hans and Franz are being curious about their new environment and are investigating it thouroughly. This is one of the many exciting features of the being of pigs. It is most sadly overlooked by most people, who only focus on pigs tendency to enjoy being dirty. One similarity between pigs, gnomes and humans as that they all use their heads.

The Garden Gnome Guide started to speculate about experiences that could be drawn from the successful operation of yesterday and presented his theory of the strategy to be used in the future struggle:

"- I think Ambjoern Svinhufvud has a point. We have an advantage as long as we are not publicly recognized as thinking and sensitive beings. When people actually don't see us they tend to overlook us, and put us as an integrated part of the environment! Much like a stone, a mushroom or a bush!"

"- I don't know about that, said Gnoma Fatale, people always seems to see me when I'm around!"

"- That's not the point, you address another part of their brains, the reptile part! What I'm talking about is the possibility of strike out of hiding and then dissappear quickly!"

"- What I'm talking about is making manoeuvres of diversion!"

"- Oh, I see, ...you mean that we can use a more flexible strategy and tactic?"

"- Of course, I appear they become occupied and you strike ...!"

"- Splendid, now we only have to plan tonights specific operation...

Here we have to leave our tiny group of conspirators, as the success of that operation is depending on the secrecy of the plan, which guarantee the surprise effect of it... Or as Svinhufvud once philsophically said:

"- When you know what's inside the X-mas present, half the fun is spoiled... or when you crack the shell of the egg its usefulness vanishes quickly!"

X-mas 18 days away

Yesterday night the Gnome Combat Group was informed of a couple of pigs being held prisoner in a house in the suburbs of a larger city. In the shadows of the dark winter night they invaded the garden and started the staring treatment. The staring treatment may go on for years and often make people to abandon their gardens and finally their houses. These house owners were not of the type that could stand this treatment for very long. And after a short while those living in the house sent out a negotiating team, to persuade the staring gnomes to go elsewhere and harass somebody else.

The Garden Gnome Guide showed to be the leader and presented the harsh terms of the Combat Group:

1. All the pigs in the house should immediately be released and hand over to the Gnome Combat Group.

2. If any of the pigs were hurt or killed the Gnome Combat Group would implement the very special "non-growth" curse in the garden, which in practice would mean that nothing would grow in this particular garden for the next two decades.

3. The terms would be met within the span of three hours otherwise the "non-growth" curse would be implemented, then also stretching out to include every minor or child living in the house, who would immediately stop growing.

The house-dweller went pale and returned into the house. After 30 minutes the house dwellers decided to release the pigs held captives in the house.

This operation was successful, and according to Ambjoern Svinhufvud leading artificial dwarf and chief analyst of Gnome Combat Operations, it was only because the house-dweller's attempts to phone the police proved unsuccessful, as the operator decided to ignore the emergency phonecall and put it among the "nutter"-category. A house surrounded by aggressive garden gnomes? Come on, who had heard about such a thing? The operator actually told the caller to go back reading Harry Potter and stop using valuable police force resources... there were actually people in need out there and basket-cases like the caller ought to be glad that he wasn't arrested and put into some kind of psychiatric asylum, packaged in a straight-jacket! Svinhufvud continued and said that the fact that many people did not believe garden gnomes to be thinking and sensitive beings was actually their greatest asset in this struggle. He pointed back to the Manifesto of Smallness, presented some years ago and its points of how the struggle would be won! Smallness is Greatness! he ended his agitated speach... and all the gnomes in the audience hummed... as usual...

X-mas 19 days away

The action plan today was to strike a little bit more efficient and save more pigs from extermination at once. This action proved successful and the Gnome Combat Group saved a whole family, consisting of Emily Fransescoli and her four piglets.

The PATALAP did not interfere with this action. They where probably licking their wounds from yesterday. The Garden Gnome Guide had a theory of his own: "- I think that if they pay too much attention to our operations they implicitly tell the public that we exist and the public might not be ready for that yet. If the public would consider gnomes as living creatures, the authorities could not ignore us and would have to give us civil rights. Considering how bad longish people behave against smaller ones that would risk outbursts of gnome racism. Also considering gnome power over growing stuff, the authorities might not be willing to risk open gnome retaliation against farm land and gardens. I think they still realize that the Reclaim the garden campaign ain't over yet!"

The other gnomes were humming and humming and for an outsider it was difficult to understand if it was the humming of consent or a humming of silent opposition. But outsiders can't really be sure what gnomes mean... you have to stuck to your rituals and hope for the best...

X-mas 20 days away

This very night the piglet liberation operation almost went totally wrong. As the Garden Gnome Guide and his combat group was liberating the piglet Igritj Larionov from a transport of piglets they were intersected by the Police Anti-Terrorist Specialist Animal Liberator Activist Protection Squad (PATALAP). But thanks to that the Garden Gnome Guide is an eager student of major strategists as Sunzi, Sunbin, Wei Liaozi and Zhuge Liang, he managed to lead the group out of this dilemma and make it possible for the terrified Larionov to escape (the piglet has nothing whatsoever to do with the Russian hockey-player with the same name to do, sorry for any inconvinience on your behalf Igor).

The Garden Gnome Guide remembered what Sunzi wrote back in 500 BC or so: "Keep your friends close and your enimies even closer." This showed to be a splendid tactical disposition and the water-canons of the PATALAP affected themselves the most...

Or as the Planet's only artificial dwarf, Ambjoern Svinhufvud so nicely formulated it: " Those who dig a hole, often fall in it themselves..." Not that it was one of his best, but it seemed right at the time...

Note: Many people think that the Gnome outfit with a ridiculously red hat is inconvinient in combat situations. But in this situation the Garden Gnome also used the red hat as Musashi Miamoto used it in the fight with Sasaki Kojiro, in the beginning of the 17th century, on an island outside Osaka. Where Musashi used his red bandana to make Sasaki believe that he had cut the head off Musashi, then he lowered his guard and Musashi crushed his head with his wooden sword. In the current situation the PATALAP put all their attention towards the red dots they saw in the very chaotic situation, and this made them inflict defeat on themselves.

X-mas 21 days away

Today's pic show the Garden Gnome Guide and the Mahtoob Gnome joining the two pigs Marcelo Puffin and the newly escaped, of course with gnome assistance, Harry Fewhair, discussing the pig liberation and escape campaign.

All four of them realilized the difficulties in the situation challenging a multi-million euro industry, having loads and loads of money to destroy anybody who does not approve with their doings. That goes especially for the two pigs who actually are putting their lives on the line here. The gnomes however looks at it as more of an adventure and a possibility. Both the Garden Gnome Guide and the Mahtoob Gnome knew that people in general and industrialists in particular don't believe that gnomes actually are living creatures. As French sociologist Pierre Bourdieu (may he rest in peace) would have said: "-People that have an education oriented towards practical things don't believe in mythological stuff like gnomes!" Not that Bourdieu ever said anything about gnomes as long as he lived, but he would have put it like that if he would have been asked...

The Garden Gnome Guide thought that the occasion was demanding a speach, so he decided to recite Ambjoern Svinhufvud's famous Ode to Mining Dwarves:

"Dwarfs never talks about anything,
But precious metals and hard labour.
I myself never wanted anything
But run far, far away...

To go away and to find,
A horny and bootlegged dwarf woman,
To drink a pint of strongest brew,
And share it with no one...

But as I was about to leave,
The other dwarfs approached,
Angrily staring at me:
Why worketh not thee?

To prove their point, they said:
Work! And work hard you swine!
Labour all day until nightfall!
Or else we will thou crush!

And the years has passed me by,
They now celebrate my 85’,
And here gather no youngish dwarf lads,
Just old ones, not yet killed by the mine...

They are grey and stuffed with their gold,
Holding the metal high above head,
Remembering ore from days gone by,
Oh, they were brave dwarves...
And Swinehead that’s my name..."

Ambjoern Svinhuvfud (2005)

X-mas 22 days away

Today a small combat group of gnomes have been attacking a breading facility and been able to liberate their especially prized boar. His name is Henry XXXIV and his reputation is widespread in the swine breading community. Still, he looks happy enough being liberated by the militant gnomes.

The Gnome Chief Analyst made a statement celebrating the significance of this occasion: "- We the Garden Gnome Special Task Force (GGTF) claim that befor X-mas Day an absolute minimum of 25 pigs will be liberated and saved from the barbaric X-mas PIG Massacre. It is the same thing every year over and over again. This cannot continue. It must be brought to an end. Whenever did the pig community do anything harmful to any human? We, the Garden Gnomes, normally ae a peaceful community, but wherever unjustice and barbaric behabviour is occurring we have to strike hard and distinct."

A spokesman for the joint garden gnome and dworf community, the illustrious Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud, said: "- This is just typical! Just being of a certain height, makes people think that they can do whatever they like. Never for a moment considering that they might step on the rights of someone smaller. Being over a certain length does not entitle one to do bad deads, rather the opposite - if you are big and strong you have to be kind and decent!"

X-mas 23 days away

Today's pic shows the result of a successful operation as the Garden Gnome Guide has been to liberating the little piglet Oswald from his captivity in the enormous Pig Extermination Plant. The Garden Gnome Guide and Oswald is currently hiding out quite cloosely to the PEP and planning to escape further away from the immediate danger during the span of the day.

Piglet Oswald seems happy enough of his newly won freedom and seems to have started to believe in life after X-mas. The Garden Gnome Guide reports that the delievery of immense amounts of pigs to the PEP has started and the killings will continue... but at least one piglet is literally off the hook...

X-mas just 24 days away

It seems like the big pig-massacre-day is slowly cloosing in. That, however, is a strictly human perspective. For the pig-community in general and the individual pig its cloosing in much too fast. Soon almost the entire pig population is going to be exterminated and for the few survivors this means that almost every one they know will be dead. Being born a piglet is indeed a nasty business and a cruel fate.

To come to terms with these misdeads the Garden Gnome Community has decided to do something about this horrible event. The most effective remedy according to the chief analyst of the Garden Gnome Special Task Force (GGTF) would be to individualize as many pigs as possible. This will rend it impossible to avoid questions like: "- Isn't that Henry III Swineroof we are eating now?" from your concerned children...

Today's PIG is named Marcelo Puffin and has served his master gnome well for a little more than a decade. "- He is a good companion and he does not easily get into stressful behaviour!" the Mahtoob Gnome says with affection in his voice. "Marcelo only gets excited about truffles, then he can be a little bit carried away out of focus... and into some kind of obsessive condition... But what do you know? This is a pig with a personality after all!"