Terror Attack against Terrorists?

- We great our viewers wellcome and and we are reporting directly from Gnomantanamo Bay, where it seems as a massive attack has been undertaken. The whole prison camp seems blown to pieces! What is your opinion Professor Svinhufvud?
- This is a tricky one! There are two possibilities as I see it! First, all the fake Santas made a prison break out and staged the explosion as a cover up, in order to avoid being captured again. It is difficult though to imagine approximately 1400 persons in orange overalls running away undetected. Of course you could easily disguise as workmen, but still you're too many...
- It seems difficult, but what about the other possibility?
- That's another scenario! It is when the terrorists are the victims of terror themselves! Somebody did not like these fake Santas and their deceptive activities and decided to blow them to pieces...
- Is there any evidence pointing in this direction?
- No we have not found the epicentre of the explosion yet. It's tricky I tell you! Furthermore, we have not found any bodies, which point at the first possibility as the most probable.
- We thank Professor Svinhufvud for his insightsful, intelligent and knowledgeable comments. That's all from the bombing site for now!

Santa Terror Attack against Gnomeline Studio

-This is the Bluegnome reporting directly from outside the building where the Gnomeline Studio is located. It seems like there has been a terrorist attack directed against the Gnomeline Studio. A wellknown fake Santa-Terrorist seems to been involved, as he was seen leaving the crime site.


Inside the building our sources claim there is chaos and when the attack came, it seems like Professor Svinhufvud was preparing for one of his comments on the fake Santa Terror. Some who have been rescued from the building claim that it was a bomb that went off. Others say it was a fire that went out of control as Professor Svinhufvud was exposing the practice of specific arsonist tricks, when he lost control of the fire. We have a citizen here. What is your opinion?
- Hello my name is Jeffrey! I want all these gnomes, dwarves and crazy academics to go away! They destroyed our X-mas and now they are attacking New Year as well. They talk about terror and how to fight it... I now how to stop it! Round'em up end send them out on the Ocean and let the Air Force train target bombing on'em!
- So that's how ordinary citizens feel about this! This is the Bluegnome reporting recent events for Gnomevision!

Svinhufvud Accuse

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! Today we have with us in the studio, here at Gnomeline, Professor Svinhufvud and on an external link Gnomas Foxy and Doxy and mr. Xhantar. I pass the word to Professor Svinhufvud! What's up?
- Well I was falsely accused yesterday for setting up fake attacks by fake Santas. Not only my own person, but also the Combat Gnome and the whole Combat Group, was falsely accused. The whole lot of the so called evidence was fabricated and constructed to make me look bad! But today it turns out that my accuser; mr. Xhantar has been caught with his trousers round his ancles! Isn't he a stinker?
- With us on a link from the Gnomelido Bar in downtown Dwarvesville we have Gnomas Foxy and Doxy! What can you tell us?
- We were sitting in the bar minding our very own business when this Xhantar-guy approached. He offered us drinks and stuff and finally he came with a suggestion of a photo-session in a room in the back of the bar. As he said that we were to be fairly paid for our small services, we agreed to his suggestions. In the back room it showed that he had other things in mind. He was not alone. There were two other guys there. Real scumbags if you ask us! And they did disgusting things!
- Who were these men?
- The police helped us to identify them as Duodenum and Anthrax! Really nasty bastards. They tied us up and made us do unspeakable things. Against our will! We did not want this we said! But we were told to shut the fuck up! Afterwards they throw us out in the cold winter night, practically without clothes! This Xhantar laughed and said that we should test ourselves for certain types of sicknesses! We have not slept ever since! He is an animal that one! A beast of a dwarf!
- What do you have to say, mr. Xhantar?
- That's the worst rubbish I've ever heard of! Okay we had a nice time together, but they were there of their own free will! And there were not anybody else there! To include Duodenum and Anthrax is an outright lie. This Svinhufvud is an intrigant son of a bitch, totally lacking scruples!
- What is your response to this Professor Svinhufvud?
- It's ridicilous! Yesterday they presented material that was consisting of photos taken of paper figurines; a total fake! Even the baloon was fake! People capable of such fraude, cannot ever be trusted in any respect!
- How do you plan to proceed with your accusations, Foxy and Doxy?
- Our lawyer, mr. Castlestream, has aviced us to go to court and press charges for rape and serious molesting against Xhantar, Duodenum and Anthrax. We also claim damages 20 million Euro!
- It is clear that a society ruled by law can't accept that scumbags like this are allowed to move arround without restrictions. They must be put behind bars where they belong!
- We thank Professor Svinhufvud for this insightsful and balanced comment and wish you all, dwarves, gnomes and folks good night?

Santa Terrorist Exposure

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! Today we can present sensational material from Wackoleaks! Tell us more mr. Xhantar!
- Well yeah, after long surveilance we succeeded to get a snap-shot that proves that Svinhufvud and the Combat Group doesn't play with open cards. They have a hidden agenda. The snap-shot reveals Svinhufvud instructing fake Santas to make a fake terrorist attack. In the background we can see the Combat Group's Battle Baloon with the Combat Gnome in the front. The setting shows the crime, the planning and the involved actors en flagrante!

- Professor Anthrax what is your response to this sensational information?
- It's just what you could expect! Svinhufvud would do anything to prove his point. He has a long history of deception. Whatever he says must be considered as a possible lie and deception!
- What do you think of this Professor Duodenum?
- It's an outrage! The man is totally out of touch with reality and is actually trying to draw the rest of society into his sick perceptions. He wants our reality to be like his sick fantasies! Disgusting! For a month his has been rouming arround the world with his terror tales and now it is shown to be a total fake!
- Mr. Xhantar, what is your opinion of this?
- Well, we at Wackoleaks are pleased to reveal this kind of exposure of fakes, half-truths and outright public lies. We are here to serve the public! For a small cost of course!
- We thank mr. Xhantar, professors Anthrax and Duodenum for their illuminating information on this topic. Good night dwarves, gnomes and folks!

Svinhufvud Denies Fraud

- Good evening dear dwarves, gnomes and folks! We have with us this evening in the Gnomeline Studio Professor Svinhufvud. Yesterday Professor Svinhufvud Wackoleaks accused you of grand scale fraud and that the war on Santa Terror was just about arresting ordninary citizens minding their own private business! Is there any substance in the claims of mr. Xhantar, professors Duodenum and Anthrax?
- Of course not! It is as always; a storm in a tin bucket! We have, in fact, hard evidence, proving that there has been REAL TERROR ATTACKS hurting ordninary people, destroying private and public property and terrorizing people! I have the photos and I have the the moving pictures as well!!!
- I see... there is no doubt then?
- Not a chance! It just wishful thinking of the scumbags back over at Gnomevision. The photos are clear in their information and they clearly show fake Santas running from the scenes of their crimes. I can add that all of these perpetrators you see here are held at Gnomantanamo Bay at the proesent.
- Can you describe what we see here?
- Of course! I'll be delighted to. First we se a Santa who set up a car bomb outside a mall. A disaster! Arround 100 casualties and a lot of damage to business installations. You can see the perpetrator running in the front. Isn't this a sight of a man totally lacking scruples?



- The second is a downtown bombing in Dwarvesville, destroying a supermarket causing the death of no more than 23 people, twelve gnomes and ten dwarves. Terrible and you see this Santa terrorist escaping in the front. It's making me sick actually just to look at it!



- Finally, the third is a bombing of a combined hardware store and supermarket. You see the terrorist running in the front. Here 43 people, two gnomes and seven dwarves were the victims.


What mr. Xhantar, Professor Duodenum and Professor Anthrax fail to see is that real dwarves, gnomes and folks are suffering from the ruthlessness of these rough Santas. Instead they accuse me. Talk about shooting the messenger!
- Thank you Professor Svinhufvud for setting us all on the right track. That's all dwarves, gnomes and folks, have a nice evening!

The Truth about the Santa Terror

- Good evening dear dwarves, gomes and folks! This is the Bluegnome reporting directly from the Gnomevision studio and with us tonight are distinguished Professors Duodenum and Anthrax and on a link the admirable mr. Xhantar. You have sensational material for us tonight mr. Xhantar, haven't you?
- Oh yeah! Today we at the Wackoleaks release a lot of documents, 192,234 in fact, proving who the group behind Svinhufvud and the combat Gnome really has been holdning in custody at Gnomantanamo Bay!
- That sounds really intriguing, tell us more!
- It seems that of the 1,478 fake Santas arrested at Gnomantanamo Bay 942 was husbands and fathers preparing for X-mas celebration for their own or their neigbours kids. Arround 345 was arrested in malls and supermarkets taking up wishes from kids and the rest, 191, was actually involved in activities they could not explain in a rational manner. Of these 23 were armed with guns, knives and explosives. This means that Svinhufvud and his gang has rounded up approximately 1,456 innocent people and are still holding them in detention.
- This sounds not quite right...
- Not quite right! I beg your pardon! Is there something called rule of law here? Or has Svinhufvud ruling as a military dictator. I demand that all the detainee's at Gnomantanamo Bay are released immediately. This can't go on! It has to stop!
- I totally agree, as soon as we put that Svinhufvud charactyer behind bars the better! Having weapons for your personal protection isn't a crime as long as you can provide a licence for it! Explosives may be used celebrating X-mas and New Year, and then this is neither a crime!
- It seems that Svinhufvud has done some miscalculations here! That's all dwarves, gnomes and folks! See you tomorrow!

X-mas Day Terror Up-Date

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! Tonight Professors Duodenum and Anthrax are with us here in the studio and on link we also have Mr. Xhantar available! What are your comments on the last development of this Santa terrorist business?
- It's an outrage! This lunatic Svinhufvud has totally destroyed X-mas. This lovely institution, invented for profiting business and sales of tottally unnecessary products. Business and sales are down both in Gnomopolis and Dwarvesville! It's a catastroph! Thanks to him we are on our way into a deep recession.
- All this can be blamed on Svinhufvud?
- Yes of course! Usually I am not fond of easy explanations, but where Svinhufvud is involved, he is to blame. It is as sure as there is rice in China and that bears take a shit in the woodlands!
- Furthermore, Svinhufvud has an ability to badly influence those cloose to him. He is like the bad apple in the basket, contaminating the whole lot! It would be better if he didn't exist!
- But what about yesterday? The Santa robbery in Stockholm and all the other things fake Santas did yesterday? Shouldn't we be worried about them?
- Of course this is severe incidents, but Svinhufvud actually makes them worse!
- Worse? How come?
- He exaggerates the events! Takes a small and insignificant event and make into a huge problem that threatens all of society as we know it!
- Oh, that is bad!
- Yeah, that's disinformation!
- We thank professors Duodenum, Anthrax and mr. Xhantar for their valuable and insightsful comments on these events. That's all dwarves, gnomes and folks!

Santa Robbery in Stockholm

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! We have disturbing news from Stockholm, capital of Sweden, a northern banana monarchy! It appears that one of the Royal Guards, guarding the royal castle been robbed of his AK5 during the night. The robbers were... guess who? You're right; two fake Santas. Luckily we got a snap-shot of them, right before they rob the guard. It was the Garden Gnome Guide who creatively got the snap-shot with his cellphone camera.


- What did I tell you? They are planning something big!
- But why in Stockholm? It is out in the middle of nowhere? Wouldn't it be better to hit some big megapolis like Gnomopolis or Dwarvesville?
- Who knows what's going on in the heads of these deranged characters. No normal being can have any idea about that...
- So they are inscrutible?
- Quite so! Look at the screens behind me. First the snapshot of the robbery. It is almost as something two drunk guys going home from the pub in the middle of the night can come up with. Then there is the Santa that is showing his private parts in public, right behind me, and then finally a Santa kidnapper driving away with a blond girl. Do you need anymore evidence? These men are mean, evil and nasty!
- So people are wrong thinking that Santas are nice and generous?
- That's an illusion I hope that our work has terminated for god.
- That's all dwarves, gnome and folks! Merry, merry X-mas...

The Santas are all Guilty

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! We have with us tonight on a link Professor Svinhufvud from Dwarvesville and live in the Studio the Garden Gnome Guide. What is your response to yesterday's pointless accusations Professor Svinhufvud?
- Well eh! What do you expect dealing with scumbags like that? I'll expalin by the force of the metaphore: "If you take that old tale about the the frog and scorpion, where the scorpion asks the frog if can take a hike on the frog's back crossing the river.
-Oh no, says the frog, I ain't that stupid. You will sting me and then I'll die!
- No you're quite wrong, says the scorpion, cause then we'll both die and I'm neither stupid nor suicidal! The frog starts thinking and comes to the conclusion that what the scorpion made sense and agree to take him across the river. Halfway out in the stream the scorpion stings the frog. With his dying breath the frog screams:
- But you promised and now you will also die...
- Sorry, said the scorpion, but it is my nature!" So you see, you may have illusions of the actions of certain people, but in the end they will act according to what's in their nature.
- Oh I see. What's up in the Santa Anti-Terror Campaign?
- Well we are now in the position of intensifying the finnish of the campaign! During the last 24 hours we have rounded 600 more Santas and sent them where they belong to Gnomantanamo Bay. But the Garden Gnome Guide knows more.
- What can you say about the state of things today?
- We are now entering the beginning of the end and we are hunting down the last ones of these fake and false Santas. But it is difficult, thanks to these false accusations from sources like Wackoleakes, and people tend to behave with suspicion against us. They ask us if it is really necessary to take the Santas away and if we don't understand that the kids are becoming sad when they see Santas being arrested in every street corner. Well I can only tell you only this: - A Gnome has to do what a Gnome has to do!
- That's is a remarkably straightforward answer!
- It is isn't it! I'm known to have a skill with public relations. I'm also known as a very very humble Gnome before I went into public relations! Doubtless, it would have been better to put me in the front rather than the Combat Gnome!
- How so?
- Certain problems can be solved with a baseball bat, others not! A nice and polite language is often more efficient than the most powerful blast with the baseball bat. Words rather than hard hickory! But read me right! We are determined to bring this campaign to a total success, be sure of that!
- I can't say it more elegantely myself! And I, Ambjoern Svinhufvud, promise that in the end, I and my forces will prevail. Let there be no doubt about that!
- We thank the Garden Gnome Guide and Professor Svinhufvud for reassuring us of a Merry Merry X-mas! That's all dwarves, gnomes and folks!

Santas all innocent?

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! This is the Bluegnome, reporting directly from Gnomevison Studio. With us tonight we have, in the Studio Professors Duodenum and Anthrax, and on link Mr. Xhantar, all before a live bluegnome audience. We have the last days heard about a hideous fraud initiated by Professor Svinhufvud and his Combat Group. What is your response to this Mr. Xhantar?
- Our documentation at Wackoleaks tell a straightforward and plain story. At the Detention Centre at Gnomantanamo Bay, around 720 so called fake Santas are held in custody. Without any accusations or evidence presented against them. This is actually a case where certain members of society operate outside the law and against its intentions.
- I totally agree with Mr. Xhantar and claim that all this is to blame on Professor Svinhufvud. We ought to free all the so called fake Santas and put Svinhufvud and his gang behind bars instead. This Svinhufvud bastard is destroying X-mas for ordinary people and making dwarves and gnomes very impopular. His threatening the existence of our whole community.
- That dangerous?
- He is a menache to society... but we will get him... hopefully before X-mas! Otherwise we will have a lot of unhappy and vengence wanting kids on our backs... They can be really mean if they don't get what they want!
- That's all dwarves, gnomes and folks! Good evening to you!

All Accusations are False

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! Today we have the admirable and distinguished Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud with us. What is your response to all these outrageous accusations of yesterday?
- Well, ahh, of course they are all false! There is nothing at all true in them! The fantasies of mad men!
- Nothing?
- None whatsoever! I will explain so you all, dwarves, gnomes and folks will understand what has happened.
- We are all ears!
- Well, to begin with we have the photographic evidence. On my left, right behind my, we see the Santa escaping over the rooftops. We also have him in custody and he has given us his full confession. The second you can find on my right, which is the fake Santa that we caught escaping right outside the shopping centre. He has also given his full confession and also given us the names of the fake Santas that died in the attack. There were three of them. We also secured the remains of the truck. The truck contain evedence that point to certain group of collaborators. But that's classified for now!
- Oh, that is impressing Professor. But still, it does not really explain away the accusations from Duodenum and this Xhantar character.
- No you're quite right. If you look up to the screen in the middle, that's the big one, I will tell you something about disinformation. There they are, all four of them,... all of the scumbags!
- Yes I can see that...
- Take the old saying: "... where there is smoke, there is fire!" If you say something which is completely false, it will plant a feeling of doubt towards your person among people. That's because your opponent use a rhetoric trick, undermining your ethos; that is your credibility. In the heads of people there will always be doubt about your honesty. But you have to expose an explanation that is logically consistent. People have to believe that is was possible for you to cheat on the public. That brings us to the final part of the rhetoric triad; pathos... you convince people that the accused is guilty beyond doubt and then you hang him, metaphorically speaking.
- It is a very interesting story, but I don't understand what it has to...
- Don't be stupid! It's obvious! I made those charlatans over at Gnomevision loose face and now they are coming after me to save that bastard Anthrax... and he is where he belong... in the luny bin...
- Oh! On the contrary, we have a fresh report here that says that Professor Anthrax was released from the psychiatric facility where he was held the last few days...
- I'll be damned... he talked his way out of that one too... that son of a bitch...
- Does that make you feel unsafe?
- Bahh, me unsafe... but I'll surely will consult my lawyer. That Anthrax... he is utterly mad and capable of anything!
- Well that's all dwarves, gnomes and folks; a very, very good night to you!

Gnomevision Expose Fraud

- Good evening dear dwarves, gnomes and folks! Today we are able to expose what seems to be a great fraud! A scandal in fact! Explain to us Professor Duodenum!
- I'll be delighted to do so! It seems like there are certain conditions concerning yesterday's bombing downtown that are unclear, to say the least!
- How so?
- It seems that documents has been released that reveal that Svinhufvud and the Combat Group did not only fight the fake Santas, they in fact staged the whole thing...
- Where does this information come from?
- It has been provided from the new company Wackoleaks and it's spokesgnome Julio Xhantar. Luckily we have him with us tonight on a link from Gnomopolis! Hello Julio, how are you!
- Hi there! I'm fine!
- What does the information say more exactly?
- It seems like Svinhufvud and the Combat Group took prisoners from Gnomantanamo Bay, dressed them up and provided them with the bombs and drove them to the Shopping Centre.
- But thats awful... looks like a complete set-up!
- Sure, thats what you can expect, dealing with scum like that!
- We have with us also Professor Svinhufvud on a link from Dwarvesville! What is your response to this accusations?
- This is ridicilous! This group around Anthrax are upset because he got locked up in the nut-house and now they try and retaliate against my humble person.
- Mr. Xhantar, what is your source for this information?
- Sorry! That is classified information! My sources are secure with me!
- You see! This is the old strategy; where there is smoke there has to be a fire!
- We will get you! You old scumbag!!!
- I'm sure glad I didn't go into that studio!!!
- We have stop the broadcasting here and wish you a very, very good night dear dwarves, gnomes and folks!!!

Downtown Terror Report

- Good evening dwarves, gnomes and folks! This is the Combat Gnome and Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud reporting to you from downtown live! A spectacular bombing has taken place in a shopping centre and the full magnitude of it is yet unknown. It seems like the management hired some Santas to increase sales. Unfortunately it was this sinister fake Santa type they choose for the job! What is your response and reflexions Professor Svinhufvud?
- Well! What can you expect? You warn people and tell them how to behave to minimize risk! What do they do? The opposite of course! The result we all can see behind my back. Not much of a shopping centre left after that bomb, eh? One of the perpetrators is lying behind me. I had to let my combat gnomes immobilize him! Fine job they did! Another one is escaping over the roof, but we will get him, be sure of that!
- Why did it turn out so bad?
- Well, what do you expect? They let the damned Santas move in their gear using a truck! How stupid can you be? There were tons and tons of TNT in there... madre de los dios!!! Unfortunately, we cannot charge the management who allowed all this, cause they had a board meeting when the bomb went off on the upper floor... I guess they will have to find a new management group now... nut there is no scarcity of that type professionals nowadays...
- This is a sad experience to learn as people neglect sensible pieces of advice and go on as there were no danger at all. We have to remember that the scumbags we are dealing with here are completely ruthless! The one escaping over the roof we will give a good bat beating, be sure of that!
- We thank the Combat Gnome and Professor Svinhufvud for these words of wisdom and wish you all dwarves, gnomes and folks a very, very good evening indead!

Gnomeline Exposure of Anthrax Scandal

-Good evening dear viewers and others! Today we have something special for all of you. We can actually show what happened down at Gnomevision yesterday when Professor Anthrax got into a psychotic or almost catatonic state. As we see on the video he is actually biting the Bluegnome in his hand and right after smashes him in the head with a hammer. What is your comment Professor Svinhufvud?


- As you can see, he is totally out of control! A mad man in at large! Look at those strong teeth crushing the fingerbones in the Bluegnome's hand! That' what I call a bite! Extraordinary, indead! And look at that blow! What a skill with the hammer! A carpenter can't do it better! I'm impressed!
- Impressed? I thought you were going to be shocked!
- Shocked? No I thought he was going totally bananas, but to quote William Shakespeare's Hamlet: "Surely this is madness, yet there's method init!" Nice controlled hit with the hammer! Makes you happy to see such skill...
- Hmmm, what do you think will be the consequences of this scandal?
- It is entirely up to the Bluegnome. Personally I would sue him of his very last centavo and call for the harshest punishment in the law book.
- You would actually want him to hang for that?
- He is clearly a waste of space and has always been. The world would be a better place without him.
- We thank Professor Svinhufvud for those words and with us from a hospital downtown we have the Bluegnome: How are you doing today?
- Well despite the circumstances! A bit of headache and a wound in the head and two brooken fingers.
- Will you file charges against Professor Anthrax?
- We are in a negotiation his and mine lawyer and I can't reveal anything until those negotiations are finnished.
- We thank the Bluegnome for sharing this with us. Good night dwarves, gnomes and folks, that's all for now!

Gnomevision response to Last night's Call-in

- Good Evening dear viewers! This the Bluregnome direct from Gnomevision's Studio. With us tonight live we have Professors Anthrax and Duodenum. And by link Professor Svinhufvud. First I will address you Professor Svinhufvud: What do you think of ordniary people's responses to your performance yesterday? They were very agitated to say the least.

- Well you know people act on things that really are a storm in bucket full of water, that's their life in principle... where no problem is... they see plenty... I see a terrorist... they see a nice man promoting a joyful holiday... I arrest the terrorist... they see me as the villain...

- You don't think you're acting patronizing and even arrogantly towards the public now?

- You could see me as a benevolent Grandfather, caring for his grandchildren... a little bit worried, but still caring and acting in their best interest.

- That didn't seem to work on that Sandra girl, did it?

- Ah you know children... sensitive beings aren't they, but charming in their awkward way. You cannot actually reason with a six-year-old...

- Professor Anthrax, what is you reflexion on this comment?

- It is consistent with what I claimed for decades. This joke of a man is an ass and a swine, which his name indicates. He doesn't care for ordinary people because he doesn't understand them and the reason for that is that he is a freak! Who other than a freak would surgically alter himself into a gnomelike dwarf?

- I beg your pardon! I thought this was going to be a civilized debate about people's fears and problems. But it seems to boil down to a personal vendetta. I think that Professor Anthrax is as beneficial for society as the disease his name is reflecting!

- I'll kill you... you bastard!!! I'll wring your neck and...

- See what I mean... totally out of control... hardly civilized at all... send him to the nut-house... you probably will ave to restrain him in some way... ohh, that cannot be called normal... maybe a fling of foot and mouth disease?

- Arrgh... hrmfpf... grfff...!!! Kill... kill... destroy... arghaahhh!!!

- We have to break there... it seems that Professor Anthrax has moved into a stage of uncontrollable rage... can somebody help me here... before he chews up my hand... Good evening dear viewers and I hope you will have an enjoyable evening...

People ask Professor Svinhufvud about X-mas

- Good evening dear viewers! As it has come to our attention a lot of people seems to worry about not be able to celebrate x-mas at all because of all this fuzz about Santa terrorism. I have to advice you to go back and listen to our advice on x-mas safety. Not everything about x-mas is dangerous!

- Who is this we with us?

- This is Thor-Arne Freyen, and I want to ask Professor Svinhufvud if this Santa panic isn't vastly overrated?

- On the contrary! I would say you cannot be to careful. You don't want to cause a family tragedy during x-mas, do you?

- I still think it sounds as a bit of hysteria in it!

- Hysteria? I beg your pardon? Shall we wait until a bomb blows up in the midst of your family?

- No I didn't mean to...

- No don't think so! Leave the worries to us and just follow our suggestions for precautions and everything will work out just fine! Thank you!

- And who is with us here?

- Me... I am Liu Meimei...

- And what do you want to ask about?

- Sorry, what kind of programme is this?

- We have an open call-in where you can ask Professor Svinhufvud about X-mas precautions!

- Sorry, I don't know what X-mas precautions is!

- Never heard of x-mas?

- Sorry we don't celebrate in People's Republic...

- Who is with us here?

- Iits Ssandra... I am sad...

- Why are you sad Sandra?

- I was just going to tell Santa what I want for X-mas when those terrible combat gnomes attacked him and took him away... they hit him...

- You should be glad Sandra... he could have killed you... nasty bugger that one...

- No he was kind...

- Tsss, tsss... children... easily bribed...

- What is your opinion of these voices of the concerned public Professor Svinhufvud?

- Well, when people comes to their senses, which will be around the second of January, they will realize that I done them a great favour and saved them from disaster. No doubt about it!

- We thank Professor Svinhufvud for these words of comfort and great you Good Evening dear viewers!

Safety Advice for X-mas

- Good Evening dear viewers to Gnomeline Information! My name is the Garden Gnome Guide and I am going to inform you on how to avoid dangers during x-mas when shopping. We all know, that is the gnome community, shopping excessively during x-mas is damaging to your inner being. A good and healthy gnome does not engage in such activities. Unfortunately not all of us has yet reached gnomehood. In fact, the only one we know of, is the admirable Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud, who in changed himself into gnomehood artificially by surgery. It is few who want to pay such a price to reach perfection in mind and body.

Nevertheless, if you feel that you cannot resist the temptation of excessive shopping during x-mas, I have some advices for you.

1. Don't go into crowds where you cannot see everybody that's in it. At the very centre there can be a vicious Santa with nasty motives and agendas.

2. If you spot a sack, avoid it. Don't think for a minute that these sacks have to be of the traditional brownish type. They can have any colour. We have a theory that generally fake Santas are colour blind or don't care. No sense of tradition in other words.

3. Beware of glimpses of the colour red. Where there is red colour fake Santas are not far away.

4. Be alrted by the sound "Hou hou". It is only Santas and imbecilles that sound that way. And you can be nice to imbecilles the rest of the year.

5. You don't have to be alerted by reindeer though. Fake Santas are never equipped with genuine and live reindeer.

6. Keep distance towards open chimney fires. Fake Santas have been known to throw bombs down chimneys and it might destroy your x-mas.

If you keep to these advices I think that you're going to have a nice and Merry Merry X-mas! That's all dwarves, gnomes and folks!

Santa Invasion Debate

- Good evening everybody! This a broadcast directly from Gnomevision. Presenting for you Professor Stareling Duodenum and Professor Anthrax live in the studio. The course of the events seems to have escalated. What is your insightsful opinion Professor Anthrax?

- Well, what we see here is pretty much what could be expected. The madman Svinhuvfud went right into the hornets nest, and look what he brought upon us! There are Santas everywhere! This is ridicilous! Have can there be more terrorists than people to terrorize?

- And this is unusual?

- Very much so, indead! This will tear on the law enforcement resources. I don't know if we really can match this. We will need prisoncamps the size of Nou Camp in Barcelona! Several of them!

- Yes, we think that all these Santas, look on my right, there are thousands of them in downtown Moscow. The Russian Omon Forces cannot match this. They are helpless. It's worse than during the coup d'etat in 1991.

- Usually, the terrorist are few and the ordinary people are many, but this... we have no experience of problems this size. For all we know, they might have bullet proof vests and then it becomes very tricky...

- Okay, we will look out and report if the situation detoriates and come to you, dear viewers! Good Night to You, dear Viewers!

Santa Terror Sack Found in Madrid

- Good evening dear viewers! This is the Bluegnome reporting live from Madrid, Spain. Today a sack has been found right in middle of the Plaza Mayor in Madrid. At the present the Spanish anti-terror-forces have employed their Robotbomb Disarmament device to try and disarm the Santa Bomb Terror Sack. The Santa himself was seen running from the crime scene in wild panic. José Destroudo with the Anti-Terror Group tells us that he won't be at large for long now. Meanwhile the Plaza is evacuated and no people are allowed for the next two blocks. Señor Destroudo tells us that there might be weapons of masssestruction in the sack and the group does not want to destroy the central parts of the Spanish capital. That's all for now folks and Gnomes!

Santa Terrorist in Psycho Therapy

Wellcome dear viewers! Today I, the Garden Gnome Guide, will present some interesting results into the investigation of the dark minds of the Santa Impostors! Behind me we have the character to be analyzed. He can be described as man in utter delusion and he is barely aware of his whereabouts. Typical is his mindless chanting:
- Hou hou...
We've been going to great a length to try and reach him, but his speach only contain some barely understandable phrases:
- Hou hou!
- What do you want for x-mas?
- Have you been a nice boy this year?
- Have you been a nice girl this year?
- Have you eaten your porridge this year?
You see that a therapist cannot make anything out this and we have began to think about the condition as a decease, something contagious and dangerous! Might actually spread in the wider population! From psycho-dynamic viewpoint it is depressing as there is simply nothing there. The only possibility to describe the condition from psychiatric viewopoint is as an early stage of catatonia....
- What does that mean?
- In the end the sick person will freeze in a static position unable to move and out of reach for any meaningful contact! We will see these character lying around everywhere, in parks, plazas and streets! Just like garbage, if you ask me!
- We thank the Garden Gnome Guide for his insightsful analysis of this tragic condition!

Svinhufvud explains the Meaning of Santa Terror

- Good evening dear Gnomeline viewers! Today we have with us the the artificial dwarf and the distinguished Professor Svinhufvud. You Professor Svinhufvud have promosed to explain to us about the Santa Terror and how to deal with the threat. How we will be able to still sleep well in our cozy beds.

- Thank you, thank you! You're much too kind to my humble person... Dear folks, dwarfs and Gnomes, we live in difficult times... troubled times I dare to say, troubled indead... hmm... hmmm... if we look at the screen to my left, we see an archetypical Santa, unfortunately drunk and fallen out of the chimney. We could bear these extravaganzas, but not what it has all turned out to be lately. In the middle we see a parade of badly disguised Santas... these are a part of what we are up against... these Santas are relatively easy to find and expose and terminate...

- Terminate?

- I mean lock up in custody, until x-mas is over for now... but our real trouble is the one on the lower right. That particular specimen or type isn't easily exposed, but has a rather convincing disguise cause it is basically genuine. Yeah, tricky these are. Tricksters you could call'em! You cannot pull them by the beard and expose'em that way... there is no way the layman to see through this kind of disguise. Will look like the genuine thing to'em... hrmf, hrmf...

- We thank Professor Svinhufvud for these illuminating words out of his limitless wsidom. Good Night everybody! And beware of Bad Santas out there!

Attack in Paris

- Good evening! This is the Bluegnome reporting directly from Paris for Gnomevision, and here Professor Starling Duodenum has just led an attack against the Santa Terrorists. We ask Professor Duodenum, how did it turn out?
- Well if you ask me it went okay! Law enforcement operations are the culmination of work that goes on for weeks and weeks, and what we see in news flashes are just glimpses of our reality. It's hard work with little of glory and heroism!
- But what happened here?
- I dare say that we had a good and successful operation. Not excellent, but neither a disaster.
- Did you catch a Santa Terrorist?
- Not exactly! The French police claim that our troopers shot an old lady dressed in red dress. What they don't understand is that our men register red dress and white hair... that's two out of three... and she also had a brown handbag... which for our troopers was a Santa sack filled with explosives... The French said that we will have to pay for this... dearly...
- Ohh... what happens now?
- Oh, we have a new operation... this time I will beat that damned Svinhufvud... I promise you that!!!

Santa Terror Protection Education

Dear viewers! Welcome to Gnomeline Education in cooperation with the Anti-Santa-Terrorist Combat Group.
I am the Garden Gnome Guide and I am your guide into the minds of evil and nasty Santa impostors. What's behind that seemingly nice and joyful surface? You meet them in stores, on streets and even in your home - they are always expressing this strange sound: - Hou hou hou... What does it mean? Does it have any meaning at all? Santas in their modern form and shape are a relatively new part of our society. There are traces back in folklore and old Christian tales, but they could all be taken rather lightly. We have to look at their present appearance.
This appearance is mainly a social construction to promote sales of largely unnecessary merchandise. Its a salespromotion that is being an integrated part of modern consumerism. Okay, they make us spend a lot of money on things we really don't need. That's bad, but it isn't necessary evil! But when these sinister Santa Terrorist take over wearing their disguises and infiltrate society it becomes evil, if the goal is to maim or seriously injure innocent people.
People ask us if it is really necessary to arrest and imprison every Santa we find! We have only one answer to this:
- One lousy terrorist on the loose out there is one too many! We will hold them until after x-mas, when they become harmless as nobody gets tricked by a Santa from February to September!
Think of this: -
Beware of characters in red clothes, white beard and hair! If somebody says "hou hou", take it as a threat and report it to the authourities in general and the Anti-Santa-Terrorist Combat Group in particular!!!

Warning - Beware of Santa Impostors

The Combat Group hereby inform the concerned public that during this x-mas there might be fake Santas coming into your homes. We warn you that these impostors have hidden agendas and sometimes weapons and bombs with them into your homes. Don't let any of them into your home. Be sure that it only takes one Santa with a suicidal belt to destroy your x-mas and maybe ruin your family forever. Allow no trespassing!

Be also alert when visiting malls and shopping centres as these impostors frequently visit and seemingly work in these places. The danger is actually worse in such places, because these fake Santas are able to bring loads and loads of destructive weapons and bombs in their x-mas sacks. If you spot one of these x-mas men, keep the distance and call for the Combat Group and we will take care of them and save your x-mas...

The Combat Group bid you beware and a Merry Merry X-mas

Rounding up the Rough Santas

Today we on Gnomeline News brings you a live field report from the rounding up of some Terror Santas. They were surely planning some sinister business when they were discovered by the Combat Group and drove towards the rouning up place, the Combat Gnome told us. He said he was sorry he couldn't talk directly to us, cause this matter demanded his full attention. He said that the Santas had a lot of sacks contain their typical terrorist gear. He was glad that he saved the lives of numerous innocent people by this act.

The Santas on the other hand was screaming and yelling, demanding legal representation. Which, by the way, is impossible as they have no rights. Having no rights, there can be no trial, no lawyer and no judgement.

Gnomevision Debate

- Good evening dear viewers! This is the Bluegnome directly reporting from the Gnomevision Studio. Today we the pleasure to present the distinguished Professor Victor G. Antrax and his collegue the Associate Professor Stareling Duodenum, who are joining us for an analyses of the events of last week in general and yesterday in particular! What is your response to these events Professor Antrax?

- What do you expect? I go to a conference at the Incheon University and what happens? When I return the whole place is turned into a luny bin! Is it too much to ask of people to restrain themselves?

- So you mean that this whole business with the Terror-Santa conspiracy is rubbish?

- Oh no! You've got me all wrong there! The Santas are guilty all right! But it is our business to deal with'em, not that charlatan Svinhufvud's! We have been watching these Santas for a long time now and were just ready to make our move when this Svinhufvud destroys everything!

- I can't agree more! He actually spoiled years of surveillance and investigation into this business. And now everything is spolied... down the toilet... kaputt, zu vergangenheit gegangen! said an angry Duodenum. And they opened that prison centre, when we had spent loads and loads of cash building our own detention centre. We were actually planning to catch every last one of these Santa imposters on x-mas Eve!

- On x-mas Eve, then all the children would have been sad! said the astonished Bluegnome.

- Nevermind the children, I'm referring to our common future... a future without these charlatan's without talent. They will surely be better off in the long run...

- So how will you respond to Svinhufvud's initiative?

- We will have to come back to you on that one... that's all I can say for now!

- We thank Professor Antrax and associate Professor Duodenum for this insightsful piece of information...

Svinhufvud's Declaration

- Good Evening, to all our dedicated viewers! Today we are looking forward to listen to Professor Svinhuvfud's Declaration of the reasons behind and the motivation for the Anti-Santa-Terrorist Campaign. I welcome you Professor Svinhufvud!

- Thank you very much! What I have to say today is indeed very serious and nothing to laugh about! To long did we have given a blind eye towards this threat to society as we know it. This means that they have been able to infiltrate us for centuries and no one noticed. Yeh, of course the Gnome community immediately recognized these imposters as they tried to take the rightful place in society, reserved for the Gnome community.

It all started back 1087, as Barinese pirates went to Myra in Anatolia and stole the relics of St. Nicholaus and brought the bones back to Bari, Italy and built a huge church in Bari to celebrate the theft. No good start there, I'll tell you!

Nevertheless,, to make a long story a little bit shorter: the really big and seriously threatening infiltration started as the modern way of celebrating x-mas began in the beginning of the 20th Century. Suddenly there appeared a numerous of ways to mask oneself and go out to do bad things. The Santa disguise was perfect to conceal bombs, molotov-cocktails, guns, light artillery and suicide bombing devices. And the sack with the parcels! Unlimited possibilities! But now all this has to end. I plan to propose a binding law where it becomes forbidden to impersonate Santa. Instead this task will be transferred to the Gnome community and they will provide the public with the services of imposters we use today.

- We thank Professor Svinhufvud for this declaration! Something you want to add?

- Just that those who are eager to konow more just have to read our Manifesto of Shortness, where all is revealed. All in the name of the Great Gnome Master.

Report from Gnomantanamo Bay

- Good evening dear and eager viewers! Tonight we bring you a report on how things are down at the Terrorist Detention Centre at Gnomantanamo Bay. How are things, we ask the Combat Gnome?

- Pretty awful! These Terror Santas haven't got any manners at all, so we have to teach'em the hard way. Nothing a hickory baseball bat can't fix!

- Let me out of here you lousy midget son of a bitch!

- You hear? No manners whatsoever! But I'll teach'm!

- Why is he protesting?

- This lying bastard claims that he was just minding his own business delivering x-mas presents to an orphange! Do you believe that? They'll stop at nothing in their filthy terrorist business. To deliver nasty bombs and the Great Gnome Master knows what!

- You damned motherfucking dwarf! Why did you have to destroy all the orphan's x-mas presents?

- Tsss, tsss... yeh hear? Claims to be the saviour of innocent animals, women and children... As far as we know he could very well be a paedophile! That would explain his interest in children...

- We hear of children and social workers meeting to demonstrate against your violence against innocent Santas just working to make children happy, who hasn't got any family. What do you respond to that?

- They are naive and basically misinformed by the huge traditional apparatus of the x-mas lobby. Merchants and thiefs, basically if you ask me! But this will be explained to you by Professor Svinhufvud. He will reveal the truth about this whole business of Santas and stuff!

- When can we expect this enlightenment?

- Tomorrow he told me...

- I thank the Combat Gnome for this report and we turn to other news...

Gnomeline Fieldreport

- Good Evening dear viewers! Today we can provide you with an exclusive fieldreport from the ongoing Campaign against Santa-Terrorism. On the screen just now you can see the Combat Gnome (the one with the baseball-bat) and two other fighting gnomes. What happened here?

- We came across a Terror-Santa, who was equipped with his usual red-coloured gear and a big brown sack, filled with suspicious looking parcels. Presumably bombs of some sort! The combat group succeeded to paralyze the Santa and remove the sack out of his control and then took away his clothing in the search for suicide bombing devices. The evidence has now been removed from crime-scene and we are now waiting for transportation of the Terror-Santa to the Gnomantanamo Bay Terrorist Detention Centre.

- How do you evaluate this terrorist-attack?

- It must be considered as serious. After all he had a lot of suspicious looking devices on his body and in the sack... He also put up real hard resistance.

- As for instance what kind of devices?

- I'm sorry, but that is classified information. But he was yelling about his constitutional rights. Rubbish of course! Terrorists have no rights!

- We thank the Combat Gnome for this illuminating report from the field of action.

The Gnome Anti-Santa-Terror Combat Attack Group

- Today we proudly present the Gnome Anti-Santa-Terror Combat Attack Group (GASTCAG). Behind me we see what we are after: Bad Santas! Here impersonated by Billy Bob Thornton. Everybody know that this is a movie character, but nevertheless the character is the very image of the sort of terrorist we are going to hunt down and put away! said Professor Svinhuvfud. And now I give the word to the Garden Gnome Guide who is going to have the full operative responsibility for the actions taken in the field!

- Pleased to see so many of you here! said the Garden Gnome Guide. We have decided to create a prison-camp for the detainees at Gnomantanamo Bay, where they will be held i custody indefinitely. We will hunt them in the streets, in the plazas and in the malls! Wherever they show their distasteful disguises in public we will restrain them, detain them and imprison them. Simply because they are a threat to society as we know it. Look at the character behind me, the perpetrator of hideous and unspeakable crimes against children and their parents! Thats what we are fighting!

- Thanks for that illuminating information! We will stop at nothing until this threat is defeated and swept away from the face of the Earth! said Professor Svinhufvud aggressively.

- Does this mean that there are going to be no Santas at all this X-mas? one of the journalists asked...

- I can promise you nothing! They may all be scumbags! But those of them that can prove their innocence will be left alone! said the Garden Gnome Guide.

There was some commotion among the journalists, but the security guards brought them to their sences using electric devices usually used on cattle...

- As there seems to be no more questions from the public I hereby declare this press conference finnished! said the Garden Gnome Guide, exposing an authoritative look on his face.

Gnomeline Newsflash

- Good evening we welcome you to this evenings newsflash from Gnomeline, the ultimate network for broadcasting gnomenews! With us today we have the distinguished professor Svinhufvud, who practically is an expert on everything!

- Thank you, thank you! You think to highly of my humble person!

- You claim, professor Svinhufvud, that we do not take the terrorist threats seriously enough?

- That's right! I think that the focus has been put in the wrong direction!

- How do you mean?

- Well, everybody seems to focus on muslims in general and specifically in women dressed in Burkhas and Niqabs. I think that is a mistake. The real threat is much more close!

- How is that?

- Everybody seems to look into the wrong kind of disguise. It is actually there right in front of us, but we don't see it...

- What do you mean?

- I'm talking of these frequently occurring imposters of St. Claus! They are everywhere and disguised beyond recognition. For instance look at the guy behind me, if it is a guy, you couldn't really be sure of that! He has a beard and hair that hides all his features. And, most important, he hands over a parcel! Nobody could tell what's in it! Could be a bomb! Could be anthrax! No one knows...

- We thank professor Svinhufvud for bringing this to our attention...

- I will take action against this... you can be sure of that...

- Thank you professor...