Safety Advice for X-mas

- Good Evening dear viewers to Gnomeline Information! My name is the Garden Gnome Guide and I am going to inform you on how to avoid dangers during x-mas when shopping. We all know, that is the gnome community, shopping excessively during x-mas is damaging to your inner being. A good and healthy gnome does not engage in such activities. Unfortunately not all of us has yet reached gnomehood. In fact, the only one we know of, is the admirable Professor Ambjoern Svinhufvud, who in changed himself into gnomehood artificially by surgery. It is few who want to pay such a price to reach perfection in mind and body.

Nevertheless, if you feel that you cannot resist the temptation of excessive shopping during x-mas, I have some advices for you.

1. Don't go into crowds where you cannot see everybody that's in it. At the very centre there can be a vicious Santa with nasty motives and agendas.

2. If you spot a sack, avoid it. Don't think for a minute that these sacks have to be of the traditional brownish type. They can have any colour. We have a theory that generally fake Santas are colour blind or don't care. No sense of tradition in other words.

3. Beware of glimpses of the colour red. Where there is red colour fake Santas are not far away.

4. Be alrted by the sound "Hou hou". It is only Santas and imbecilles that sound that way. And you can be nice to imbecilles the rest of the year.

5. You don't have to be alerted by reindeer though. Fake Santas are never equipped with genuine and live reindeer.

6. Keep distance towards open chimney fires. Fake Santas have been known to throw bombs down chimneys and it might destroy your x-mas.

If you keep to these advices I think that you're going to have a nice and Merry Merry X-mas! That's all dwarves, gnomes and folks!